Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men in pubs

26 replies

Benmac · 12/02/2023 19:54

Hi. Sorry for the rant.
We moved to a fairly rural area about 12 years ago. One brilliant pub.
At first my DH would go there a couple of times a week to watch the football. My visits would be that we bun would meet up after work on a Friday for a few drinks and maybe on a Saturday for meal and a drink.
7 years ago I had a mental breakdown.
After about 3 years of being pretty much comatose I was able to leave the house but only with DH there for support.
That remains the position now. Cannot leave the house without him. On good days I can go to M&S and this pub. He is great and insists that I come with to the pub to get me out of the house. Without him I would see no one.
Any way went there today. Place filled up quite quickly with men my husband knows. We were to there for 4 hours. I was ignored the entire time.
These men are all married or used to be married. I haven't seen any wife or partner in the pub with any of them the entire time I have frequented this pub.
All of them enjoy flirting with younger barmaids when they come out from behind the bar to socialise.
So. AIBU to expect adult men to be able to talk to fat, ugly pensioner woman or should I accept that a rural pub is a mans place
Or should I accept that they simply do not want to engage with a female they are not connected with?

OP posts:
pawz · 12/02/2023 20:04

Did you make efforts to engage and were ignored? Did your husband not try to involve you in conversation?

Our rural pubs are quite male-heavy, but they're all really friendly chaps and will talk the hind leg of a donkey!

I'm sure adult men can talk to adult women (regardless of being fat / thin, old / young or pensioners or not!). Flirting with the barmaids is a bit meh in my opinion - our local barmaids are incredibly friendly and have good banter with everyone - it's a good way of keeping the mood high in the pub and people spending! People who aren't familiar with it might see flirting, but tbh they're all lovely ladies who enjoy their jobs and socialising and it is just how they all. There are a few miserable ones too but they're less popular 😂

StandALot · 12/02/2023 20:06

Third option.

Swiftswatch · 12/02/2023 20:07

*So. AIBU to expect adult men to be able to talk to fat, ugly pensioner woman or should I accept that a rural pub is a mans place

Or should I accept that they simply do not want to engage with a female they are not connected with?*

If you didn’t speak to them the whole time did you just sit there in silence?
Maybe they found it difficult to have a conversation with someone who didn’t many any effort to engage either?

Why didn’t your husband include you? You seem to be blaming these random men who don’t know you more than your own DH which is weird.

daemonologie · 12/02/2023 20:10

They just want to have a relaxing time without having to make effort.

Devoutspoken · 12/02/2023 20:16

Yeah it's a shame it's so malecentric, where are their wives?

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/02/2023 20:21

I think they are just chilling out and probably don't feel the need to make an effort.

I can see that for you it requires a huge effort to get yourself out and into a social situation so you are seeing this from a negative perspective, but I think from their point of view they are just doing what they normally do and it wouldn't cross their minds to make a special effort.

I presume you are not being particularly proactive in socialising with them either (for understandable reasons) and you are probably not giving out social vibes.

I think if you want to engage with them you probably need to make a bit of effort. If not, just let them be: this is their downtime.

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 12/02/2023 20:22

Did you try to talk to them?

did they blank you/ignore you?

Keep trying and ask your DH to involve you in a convo

rwalker · 12/02/2023 20:27

chances are there regulars and on first name terms with the staff
your over thinking it

MonicaFree · 12/02/2023 20:28

If you are anxious they’ll pick up on those vibes and leave you alone. You description of yourself is quite strong - they probably jus don’t want to say the wrong thing.

YABU. Its not really their responsibility to include you. But your DH could help.

TBH though I don’t think the pub thing is the issue here. It is your perception of the outside world that is more relevant. Have you had any therapy?

Knoblauch · 12/02/2023 20:33

I wouldn't talk to you either and I'm not a man. I don't know you. I don't got to the pub to talk to strangers, I go for a drink and a meal with the person I've gone with.

Fedupandsad · 12/02/2023 20:38

I remember being a barmaid . I cringe now !!! I was constantly serving men who were all married and all staring at my legs and bum. I hated it . I think the truth is , men want to look at young girls . Young girls who don’t talk about cleaning the house / kids/ etc !
Im 40 now and cringe !

Cocobutt · 12/02/2023 20:48

They should absolutely be polite and make an effort with you and you should make an effort with them too.

But they’re out having a good time with their mates and they shouldn’t have to spend the entire evening talking to you because you think they owe you something.

I get that you are mentally ill but if you want friends then you need to start chatting to other people and not relying on these men to be your friends.

WandaWonder · 12/02/2023 20:55

I wouldn't want to be actively ignored but I am fine with people not talking to me, when I am new to an established group I just get the feel of it for a while

You are coming across abit judgemental so maybe they have picked up on it?

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 12/02/2023 20:59

I go to my local pub and there are loads of people I'm on first name terms with. I go so I can spend time with my friends. I talk to anyone to be polite but I'm not always there looking to make new friends or babysit someone's wife etc.

I agree that your husband should have been with you but I do also imagine that these men have been a support system for him while you've been ill.

I don't think it's at all relevant if they're married or where their wives are. Tbf, it's none of you or our business to judge the boundaries in other relationships.

OCDmama · 12/02/2023 21:57

I don't think it's got anything to do with being an "ugly pensioner".

More likely you sat there with a face like a smacked arse. What effort did you make to start a convo?

Jdjdntbhh · 12/02/2023 22:12

What did you do for four hours?

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 12/02/2023 23:51

I find it extraordinarily rude when I’m ignored by people who chat to my husband in my company, and yes it does happen more the older I get. YANBU. I feel like your husband does a lot for you, so this isn’t a dig at him, but it’s kind of up to him to introduce you if you’re being ignored

Merryoldgoat · 12/02/2023 23:55

I’m having trouble with picturing the set up.

Were you with your husband together and these men joined you and talked to your husband but not you?

Or were they just ‘around’ but ignoring you?

UsingChangeofName · 13/02/2023 00:03

I can't vote - you need different options.

harrassedmumto3 · 13/02/2023 00:03

I can understand why, but you sound extremely dependent on your husband. He now has the added pressure of you being with him socially at the pub. I would just keep it as his thing.

LikeTearsInRain · 13/02/2023 00:19

I think rather than seethe at this you would be better focused on pursuing professional help such that you feel able to go out on your own (assuming no physical disabilities)

JudgeRudy · 13/02/2023 00:30

daemonologie · 12/02/2023 20:10

They just want to have a relaxing time without having to make effort.

This. Whilst I wouldn't be purposely unkind I might not want to include randomers in my conversations particularly if it was mostly banter based.

Pyewhacket · 13/02/2023 00:39

Devoutspoken · 12/02/2023 20:16

Yeah it's a shame it's so malecentric, where are their wives?

They go to the local to get away from their wives.

LocalHobo · 13/02/2023 01:10

More likely you sat there with a face like a smacked arse particularly if you were looking judgey about the perceived flirting with the bar staff. Personally I much prefer M&S to our 'local' and, as you can get there, I would stock up on my alcohol during that trip, open a bottle at home, and leave DH to go and chat shit with the regulars.

UsingChangeofName · 13/02/2023 21:44

I've thought about this a bit more, and have moved to YABU.

The reason being, is that you have turned up at a place where a group meets regularly and expected to be part of the group. It doesn't generally work like that when people are comfortable with their group. It isn't a "men in pubs" thing, it is a most of us thing.

  • Twice a year, a group of us from University meet up for a meal in a pub. People travel from different parts of the country. We are a group, who have a shared past. If one of the group brought their dh, or their dw, it would be odd, and completely change the dynamic.
  • Once a week, I meet 2 local friends to go for a walk for just over an hour. We started, just to try an increase our step count a bit, but it is now almost like a therapy session where we can share our worries, or just talk utter nonsense. It is a very, very comfortable hour / 90mins and would completely change if any one of us brought our dh (or even another female along)
  • dh goes to the pub about 4 times a year, with some lads he used to go to school with. Sometimes (big birthdays, and previously weddings etc) we meet with spouses, but these 'drinks in the pub' are for the 4 lads that went to school and Scouts together and it would change the dynamic completely if I turned up with him.
So, yes, it is unreasonable to expect to be part of a group, that isn't a mixed group of couples without too much history. Of courser you can still go to the pub together, but you can't expect them all to change why they are there, and what they tend to talk about, because you have just turned up this time.
Swipe left for the next trending thread