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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL and pregnancy

50 replies

SpritelySmog · 12/02/2023 18:15

I'm pregnant after years of trying and a few attempts at IVF. We told my SIL (one of my best friends) and she literally said 'oh wow congratulations' and then immediately changed the subject and has gone completely quiet on me, we normally text daily and shes been ignoring me. She's not currently TTC (is planning to towards the end of the year as she's planning a few major life changes that need to be done before TTC). My husbands family have been really involved as we've gone through IVF, maybe she's just bored of it? We never bring it up but family do ask often (and she used to too!).

Anyone had this experience? I don't expect people to be hugely excited or anything (I'm steadfastly a non-centre of attention person and if she hadn't gone quiet on me, I wouldn't probably have thought too much of it. AIBU to be a bit hurt?

OP posts:
StephanieSuperpowers · 12/02/2023 18:19

It just strikes me that plans can go awry and she may be wondering how to share the same news without looking like she's stealing your moment.

Hydie · 12/02/2023 18:20

When you say she's ignoring you... you've text her and she's not answered?

Original poster
SpritelySmog · 12/02/2023 18:24

@StephanieSuperpowers I really don't think it's that - we've been very open for years that we'd like to have kids at a similar time, and I'm very much not a 'my moment' person - if she was pregnant I'd be over the moon for her and glad to have a niece/nephew on the way. There are other lifestyle factors that make it clear she's not pregnant.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 12/02/2023 18:38

How pregnant are you? There isn’t really anything more to say than congratulations is there?

MrNook · 12/02/2023 18:46

If she isn't TTC now maybe she wishes was rather than at the end of the year and feels jealous/upset?

mnahmnah · 12/02/2023 18:48

I would assume she’s envious. She may be wanting to get pregnant soon, but can’t because of circumstances, so this emphasises she isn’t where she wants to be.

LoopDiL00p · 12/02/2023 19:02

Just because she's said she's not currently TTC doesn't mean it's true.

TakeMe2Insanity · 12/02/2023 19:11

Any chance she could have miscarried? Didn’t want to ruin your moment etc.

Original poster
SpritelySmog · 12/02/2023 19:15

@Eyerollcentral I wasn't expecting a long, boring conversation - but her partner was in the middle of a sentence, saying he was happy for us, and she cut across and asked my husband about how his job is at the moment.

@LoopDiL00p she was drinking

@TakeMe2Insanity it's outing to explain how I know she hasn't MC or* *been TTC, but we are VERY close and tell each other everything. Hence my shock

OP posts:
IsItBedtimeYetNope · 12/02/2023 19:16

It's possible she is also pregnant and not ready to announce yet so unsure how to react without letting the cat out of the bag.

BabyOnBoard90 · 12/02/2023 19:18

Sounds like she may have already TTC but has run into issues. Or perhaps she anticipates the process won't be straightforward

Eyerollcentral · 12/02/2023 19:19

Are you in the very early stages of pregnancy? Many people aren’t comfortable talking about pregnancy under 2/3 months often because of their own experiences. Not making excuses.

JudgeRudy · 12/02/2023 19:25

mnahmnah · 12/02/2023 18:48

I would assume she’s envious. She may be wanting to get pregnant soon, but can’t because of circumstances, so this emphasises she isn’t where she wants to be.

I wouldn't....what envious of someone with obvious fertility problems? Doesn't sound likely

ExtraOnions · 12/02/2023 19:27

Other than “congratulations” and “when’s your due date” .. not sure what else there is to ask about in the early days.

Cuppasoupmonster · 12/02/2023 19:27

Eyerollcentral · 12/02/2023 18:38

How pregnant are you? There isn’t really anything more to say than congratulations is there?

This. What more is there to say at this point? Yes it’s a bit brief but perfectly fine. I’m 32 weeks and even now I find people gushing over my pregnancy really cringey!

JudgeRudy · 12/02/2023 19:32

Firstly are you sure she's ignoring you, or is it ghat there hasn't been an increase in conversation following your news?
If you're sure this is the case could she have her own concerns going on. Let's say for example she's having a gastric band next month or maybe maybe a cyst removed, wisdom teeth...or maybe final exams, a trip to Australia to meet her dad....whatever. You know her plans and gheres clearly something that needs 'sorting' before she TTC. Could it be it's concerning her more than you realised and she's preoccupied...maybe it's not going to plan and she doesn't want to burden you know.
If you're that close ask her...but frame it well.
Congratulations btw

Original poster
SpritelySmog · 12/02/2023 19:33

Like I said, if it weren't for the blanking my messages now, I'd not have thought anything of it. Wasn't expecting her (or anyone) to gush, can't really go any further in explaining that I'm not a spotlight grabber. We spend the vast majority of our time together (both as a pair or as a group) discussing her life, her house, her job, her relationship, and im always happy/supportive towards her, so I am a bit hurt that she was so abrupt and has been quiet since, but this is my bad.

OP posts:
eighteenthirteen1 · 12/02/2023 19:36

Eyerollcentral · 12/02/2023 18:38

How pregnant are you? There isn’t really anything more to say than congratulations is there?

Yes. Loads.

AKM89 · 12/02/2023 19:38

Congratulations!

Did you break the news to her alongside a number of other people (sounds like her husband at least was there)? Not a criticism at all because that is normal in family situations but just wondering if, given how close you are and how much you have spoken about wanting babies together, she might be a bit put out that you didn’t tell her privately first? Maybe she’s just a bit shocked.

Original poster
SpritelySmog · 12/02/2023 19:38

@JudgeRudy thank you :)

She does have some stuff going on - but don't we all? We're very involved in each others lives and this is out of character for her. She can be moody, but we text several times a day and that's why it's so clear she's blanking me. My husband and her partner went out together yesterday and I offered to meet her for a coffee as she was dropping him off at the pub near to our house - blue ticks, no reply. I just hope I haven't upset her.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpritelySmog · 12/02/2023 19:39

@AKM89 thank you too :)

No it was just us 4, and she had asked how everything was going with IVF!

OP posts:
DashboardConfessional · 12/02/2023 19:39

When you say "attempts" at IVF - have you miscarried before? Is she perhaps afraid to get too overly enthused in case it happens again?

If not and this is the first time you have announced a pregnancy then yes, that is quite a strangely flat reaction from what sounds like your best friend.

DashboardConfessional · 12/02/2023 19:43

AKM89 · 12/02/2023 19:38

Congratulations!

Did you break the news to her alongside a number of other people (sounds like her husband at least was there)? Not a criticism at all because that is normal in family situations but just wondering if, given how close you are and how much you have spoken about wanting babies together, she might be a bit put out that you didn’t tell her privately first? Maybe she’s just a bit shocked.

This is a very good point - especially if you only told her after she asked how things are.

Original poster
SpritelySmog · 12/02/2023 19:44

@DashboardConfessional sorry, I should have been clearer - no MC but a couple of failed and aborted rounds, over 3 year period.

OP posts:
Purplepurse · 12/02/2023 19:45

Maybe she is a bit envious even though she's not actually trying yet. She may not have realised how it would make her feel. The reality of you being pregnant is making her wish she was and for some reason it's making her not feel pleased for you?
Odd behaviour and a shame for you. Hopefully she will sort herself out quickly.

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