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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL and pregnancy

50 replies

SpritelySmog · 12/02/2023 18:15

I'm pregnant after years of trying and a few attempts at IVF. We told my SIL (one of my best friends) and she literally said 'oh wow congratulations' and then immediately changed the subject and has gone completely quiet on me, we normally text daily and shes been ignoring me. She's not currently TTC (is planning to towards the end of the year as she's planning a few major life changes that need to be done before TTC). My husbands family have been really involved as we've gone through IVF, maybe she's just bored of it? We never bring it up but family do ask often (and she used to too!).

Anyone had this experience? I don't expect people to be hugely excited or anything (I'm steadfastly a non-centre of attention person and if she hadn't gone quiet on me, I wouldn't probably have thought too much of it. AIBU to be a bit hurt?

OP posts:

TiaraBoo · 12/02/2023 19:46

Maybe she wanted to have the first grandchild in her family and didn’t realise this until now.

Darkstar4855 · 12/02/2023 19:47

If she’s that close a friend then I’d give her the benefit of the doubt, let her have some space for a few days and see what happens.

I didn’t tell even my closest friends when we were (unsuccessfully) trying to ttc and I found it very hard when others announced their good news and sometimes needed a day or two just to process my feelings about it before I could share their happiness.

Original poster

SpritelySmog · 12/02/2023 19:50

@TiaraBoo @Purplepurse these are really helpful points, thank you.

I'd hate to think she was envious, because I would be so sad to think I've caused her any pain. She's the closest thing I have to a sister and I love her a lot. I think you're right @Darkstar4855 , I should give her some space in case she's feeling some kind of way. I think because when I was TTC other people getting pregnant only made me happy for them, I forget it isn't the same for everyone and I need to be more sensitive.

OP posts:

xogossipgirlxo · 12/02/2023 19:52

TiaraBoo · 12/02/2023 19:46

Maybe she wanted to have the first grandchild in her family and didn’t realise this until now.

It’s her problem then.

OP lower your expectations to how people react to your pregnancy. My SIL congratulated us and said they’re planning to ttc too, in the same sentence😂 I got used to the fact it always has to be about her and her life. The most important thing is that you and your husband feel excited.

Original poster

SpritelySmog · 12/02/2023 19:54

@xogossipgirlxo honestly, that wouldn't have bothered me - that's how low my standards are! I don't know how else I can explain that my concern was raised when she started ignoring me, but the quick congrats itself didn't overly bother me as I don't expect people gush

OP posts:

ZekeZeke · 12/02/2023 19:55

How many months pregnant are you?

etsiketsi · 12/02/2023 19:59

Is she scared for you and not sure how to handle that emotion?

My niece and her husband had an absolutely heartbreaking journey to get pregnant. When it finally happened I was shocked by how terrified for them I was. I was so scared that fate would deal them an even crueler blow.

Anyway we now have a rambunctious, crazy two year old in our lives and are all better for it. Just wondered if this is where she may be coming from?

wishing3 · 12/02/2023 20:06

Is she perhaps used to having all the attention on her in your relationship dynamic and now she’s miffed that you’re going g to be getting g attention? Do you feel your relationship is equal in terms of cari g about each others lives and showing interest? And also… huge congratulations!

Original poster

SpritelySmog · 12/02/2023 20:13

@ZekeZeke I am in my first trimester. When we told them, we said 'it's early days and nothings certain but I'm pregnant'.

@etsiketsi this could be the case. Congratulations to your niece! It's so lovely that you were able to support her throughout, even though you must have been terrified for her.

@wishing3 you know what, she's not a spotlight grabber either - she's just a bit more talkative than me sometimes! Plus we often hang out as a family and naturally, her life just comes up more.

OP posts:

ItchyBillco · 12/02/2023 20:15

I think, even if she’s not trying now, it’s awoken an envy in her that she can’t do it now, perhaps? Or even she had you penned as the ‘infertile one’ and it’s thrown her that you’ve succeeded before her, even though she’s not actually trying. There’s a lot of largely irrational and complicated feelings around trying to conceive.

I’d give her space.

Intrepidescape · 12/02/2023 20:15

Eyerollcentral · 12/02/2023 18:38

How pregnant are you? There isn’t really anything more to say than congratulations is there?

I agree. This news won’t change the SIL’s life. There isn’t really anything else for her to say regarding the matter.

Greendoor12 · 12/02/2023 20:20

There has to be something going on with her and chances are it’s not about you.

I disagree with others. She’s your best friend and likely would be excited for you if you got a new job/house/car whatever. So blanking you after this news is out of character.

I also disagree with others - I would be absolutely delighted for anyone who told me they were pregnant. And if they wanted to talk about it I’d love to ask how they’re feeling etc.

YANBU. Sending ❤️ and congratulations

mcmooberry · 12/02/2023 20:23

Congratulations! I agree with others she is almost certainly feeling left behind/envious in some way even if it's due to her thinking she would be first with the news. If I had friends who I knew had been trying or even just didn't have children I wouldn't discuss my pregnancies at all when we met as I knew from myself how upsetting it was to hear about pregnancies when I wasn't in a position to be pregnant myself.

FiddleLeaf · 12/02/2023 20:24

She has something going on so give her a break & some space.

FiddleLeaf · 12/02/2023 20:25

Oh and congratulations!!

Original poster

SpritelySmog · 12/02/2023 20:27

@Intrepidescape yikes. I'd hate to be your niece/nephew. Any close friends/relatives in my life having kids has 10000% changed my life, so sad that this isn't your experience. Again, it isn't necessarily about 'that's all there is to say' but about how it's out of character for her and that she has stopped speaking to me since.

@Greendoor12 thank you. She actually got a new car recently and we genuinely spent quite a bit of time talking about it so I agree 😅 her having a new car in no way impacts my life but it does hers, so naturally I'm interested. I feel similarly to you. The genuine answers here have made me think that you're right, something else is going on or she is feeling something that I'm not privy to, and this isn't about me. I'll be there for her if/when she wants to chat about it.

OP posts:

MelaniesFlowers · 12/02/2023 20:27

Quite clearly if you’re usually close there’s something else going on here.

Pregnancy announcements induce lots of different and random unexpected feelings in people.

When my best friend announced she was pregnant I was surprised by how upset I was. We were having to wait a month or so due to medical circumstances at the time, and I did get pregnant soon after, but my feelings shocked me.

StephanieSuperpowers · 12/02/2023 20:32

I honestly believe that, other than berevement, there is nothing as emotive than pregnancy (in terms of things that will touch the vast majority of people's lives in one way or another). So people do have powerful and sometimes unexpected emotions around it.

SkyIsTheLimits · 12/02/2023 20:32

You never know what’s going on with someone else. When I got pregnant one of my closest friends turned on me immediately, it was awful. She was really horrible to me & wouldn’t even entertain a baby conversation, made out I was lying about MS. I thought she’d be really happy for me but it was the total opposite. You just never know what’s going on in the lives of others. Give her space. It’s obvious triggered something for her

NoGoodUsernamee · 12/02/2023 20:46

YANBU, but on mumsnet you’re not allowed to expect anyone to be happy you’re pregnant apparently 😂 My very close friend has been TTC for many years & if (when 🤞🏼) she tells me she’s pregnant I will be ecstatic for her & I’m sure we’ll have lengthy conversations. Maybe your friend is jealous I don’t know, but it’s crappy behaviour. Don’t let it sour your happy news OP, congratulations!

Scuttlingherbert · 12/02/2023 21:19

I find it staggering that the majority of people are voting that you are being unreasonable. Also think anyone saying "there's not much to say" are being deliberately contrary.

There's absolutely loads to say about this life changing news! and you even said she cut off someone else to change the subject so it's not like the standard questions were asked and then the conversation fizzled out.

Congratulations and I hope this all settles down quickly. Pregnancy announcements do bring up a huge amount of mixed emotions

elmooie · 12/02/2023 21:34

I think just give her some time to come around. When you desperately want a baby (even if you’ve got a rough idea of when you’re going to TTC) other people announcements can bring on some intense emotions! She might want it so much more than she’s let on, and maybe was hopeful you’d be preg at the same time

Cakecakecheese · 12/02/2023 21:47

Yeah I don't get the votes. You're not expecting her to put on a parade but she normally responds to your messages and is now ignoring you, you're not being unreasonable to be upset by that.

zeerecords · 12/02/2023 21:53

I went through something similar with my SIL who I'm exceptionally close to but it was more around her interest in my pregnancy as it progressed rather than the initial response. I think essentially it wasn't anything to do with me and I just gave her space and made me come to the conclusion that although I'm her best friend she isn't mine if that makes sense. Is she normally happy/interested in 'your' things or is it always you talking about her life? I don't mind our relationship being that way but it took a few times of being hurt when she wasn't as interested in my life to realise! Also she might be worried how this is going to impact your relationship now, worried your going to become pregnancy obsessed and then baby obsessed and loose interest in her so she's pulling away first as a defence but will soon settle and go back to normal. I think this was part the reason for my SILs response as well as she already had a little one and I think she was worried I wouldn't be obsessed with my nephew anymore as I had my own baby on the way.

nofluffsgiven · 12/02/2023 22:16

Perhaps something has happened like she's had a secret miscarriage or her husband has told her he's changed his mind about wanting another and she's hurting

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