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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unhappy about Neighbour having access to house

28 replies

Pfeiffle · 12/02/2023 16:00

N/c for this.

I moved in with my partner a couple of years ago. He’s lived here for nearly 8yrs and is reasonably friendly with the next door neighbour who seemed ok initially. In the last 6 months I’ve felt uncomfortable about her popping round for different favours and chit chat, usually when we’re about to have a meal. On a couple of occasions he was blunt with her and told her she couldn’t come in because we were eating but she ignored him and barged in! I wasn’t happy about this and raised concerns about the neighbour’s disregard for privacy but he downplayed it (she’s harmless, she’s being friendly) so I left it.

On top of this, I learned a while back my partner and this neighbour look after each other’s keys. We went away for a break but didn’t mention it to neighbour. On return i noticed a few things out of place and the lounge smelled of cigarette smoke. Since then I started to lock the gate when I’m here alone and going out to work all day etc. The neighbour spotted me doing this and came round to ask why I locked the gate (other neighbours lock their gates so it’s v normal). I made an excuse to her but felt like telling her to leave us alone. Again my partner has downplayed this so I’ve insisted he get these keys returned and give her keys back.

And before anyone asks he hasn’t been involved with her and never likely to get involved. She is very popular in the area and knows a lot of people so I expect he’s concerned about blowback for rejecting this arrangement.

Yanbu neighbour has overstepped boundaries, get the keys back

Yabu your partner’s known her ages, you’re overreacting

OP posts:

harrassedmumto3 · 12/02/2023 16:03

Replace your partner along with the door locks! You should be his first priority.

MinnieGirl · 12/02/2023 16:03

Change the locks and do not give her a key! How dare she wonder into your house, and smoke! I would be furious… and I would tell her why if she asked.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 12/02/2023 16:05

I'd just tell her straight it's not normal to let herself into peoples homes especially when there not there themselves and you want the key back.

saraclara · 12/02/2023 16:06

Changing the cylinder in the door lock is a cheap DIY job. Simply do that and she can't get in. And don't let your partner give get a new key.

saraclara · 12/02/2023 16:07

Asking for the keys back won't help btw. She can get more cut.

AnotherDelphinium · 12/02/2023 16:10

I’d get a ring doorbell or similar so you can get proof if she comes in again!

Original poster

Pfeiffle · 12/02/2023 16:11

@saraclara yes that had crossed my mind. He won’t want to get the locks replaced.

OP posts:

PAFMO · 12/02/2023 16:11

He's the one who organised this set up. He needs to deal with it.
It's pretty usual for neighbours who have known each other for a long time to have a set of keys in case of emergencies when you're away but less so that they come and have a fag in your front room or try and barge into your house.

What does he say about this strange turn of events?

Original poster

Pfeiffle · 12/02/2023 16:17

@PAFMO he downplayed the room smelling of stale smoke. I had to open the window because it was obvious. He’s downplayed other events which leaves me feeling that I’m being unreasonable or argumentative.

OP posts:

NormasJeans · 12/02/2023 16:18

Leaving keys with neighbours can invalidate insurance. Tell your DP to go and get them back based on that.

Get a ring doorbell. Also ignore the door if it goes when you are eating or about to eat.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 12/02/2023 16:21

I think you should get your own place and reevaluate this relationship. Why are you living there but letting him call all the shots?

KangarooKenny · 12/02/2023 16:22

Just change the locks

TrickorTreacle · 12/02/2023 16:25

This is a deal-breaker, and you know it @Pfeiffle

qazxc · 12/02/2023 16:29

Yanbu.

You need to have a chat with DP. It isn't just his home anymore, it is both of your home. You feel uncomfortable about her being able to let herself in, that is a valid concern that he should take into account. It is easily remedied by changing the lock.
As for her popping round, just don't answer door unless convenient for you and keep gate locked.

How would he feel if one your mates was doing the same thing?

FamilyLife2point4 · 12/02/2023 16:43

YouTube changing the barrel of a lock - I’ve had to do this once - cost £15 for a barrel out of B&Q and with a small star screwdriver, took less than 5 minutes to do.

Sell it to DP as ‘insurance would be invalid’ as neighbour had keys and could have cut multiple etc so you took a precaution and changed the barrel - present with new door key and old barrel if he wants to change it back (Going to guess he won’t be fussed!)…. don’t tell crazy neighbour lady - if she brings it up in conversation - eh how would you know our barrel broke, we replaced it quietly so no-one would know door was broken - eh what do you mean you were trying to access our property without permission etc.

Flossflower · 12/02/2023 17:22

I have keys to my next door neighbour’s house and she has keys to ours BUT we would only use them if needed and always we would text the other person first.

midlifecrash · 12/02/2023 17:42

Literally scent marking in your territory! Can you squirt her with a water pistol every time she comes in. It’s supposed to work for cats

Weallgottachangesometime · 12/02/2023 17:47

Yes of course get the key back. Also I’d make her leave next time she comes in. She needs to know it’s not ok.

I would ask her for the key in a truck way so she can’t say she lost it.

also get a ring door bell
or something

Original poster

Pfeiffle · 12/02/2023 17:49

midlifecrash · 12/02/2023 17:42

Literally scent marking in your territory! Can you squirt her with a water pistol every time she comes in. It’s supposed to work for cats

This is exactly what it feels like. A water cannon pistol would be very useful 😈

OP posts:

TightFistedWozerk · 12/02/2023 17:51

Winding back a bit...why are you not locking the door anyway, not just the neighbour but any tom dick harry can walk in!

CherrySocks · 12/02/2023 17:52

Get a few security cameras set up inside and mention them to her.

Goodadvice1980 · 12/02/2023 17:53

Your dp sounds like a wet blanket, he clearly doesn’t want to stop her invading your privacy.

StoneofDestiny · 12/02/2023 17:54

I'd change the partner! He's putting the neighbours feelings above yours.
if you can't/won't get a new lock fitted and cameras installed. If he won't agree to it you know where you stand.

Pardon44 · 12/02/2023 18:29

Change the locks. Pay for someone to do it and tell him you lost your key. Put up a security chain as well.

TeamadIshbel · 12/02/2023 18:33

Change locks and don't give any explanation. Install a ring type device so you can see for yourself. Alternatively, say to her you felt someone had been in your house, smoking. Ask has she seen anything...... Then change locks. No chat required.

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