BIL treatment of me

[Riseofthephoenix]

I posted a couple of weeks ago about my partner telling me he wants to end our relationship and my struggles with it all.

We are currently on holiday with our DS (2) , partners parents, partners DB and SIL, it was a long haul destination that had been booked for a long time so we decided to go so that everyone could have the experience with little one, we are now coming to the end of the three week holiday.

On the 5th day of the holiday I ended up making a terrible decision, I confronted my partner in front of the rest of the family (DS was in bed), I am usually a very calm and composed person but in light of recent events, his treatment of me on the holiday and since he told me it was over and his behaviour on holiday which really reinforced my belief that he is seeing someone else I just lost my composure and that was that. Just to add, I was sober when this happened.

The following day I personally apologised to everyone, it was a very genuine and heartfelt apology and I meant every word, everyone graciously accepted and we all decided to put our behind us and enjoy the rest of the holiday as much as possible, partner and I had a long chat and established some boundaries and expectations of behaviour for the rest of our time away. Since then, things have been great, we have all gotten on really well. Me, partner, BIL and SIL went on a couple of days away just us adults and got along fabulously, really enjoyed it.

We came back to the main holiday destination a week ago Saturday, Sunday morning comes and BIL just randomly stopped speaking to me, he tends to be quite moody if he is tired etc so at first I just assumed that’s what it was, however for the best part of a week and a half now he has been completely ignoring me, acting like I don’t exist, if I walk into the room, he walks out, if I speak to him, he literally ignores me, I have overheard him a couple of times make quite nasty comments aimed at me. He won’t go anywhere where I am so we haven’t socialised as a group since he stopped speaking to me, I realise that my initial actions were out of order but good subsequent treatment of me has really ruined the holiday.
i keep get told by partner and his parents to ignore BIL and that they are annoyed at him but he just snaps at them anytime they try to address it so they’ve stopped trying.

AIBU to think his behaviour and treatment of me is completely out of line? He never has to see me again after this holiday. Surely he could’ve just sucked it up and acted like an adult?
he’s basically bullied me, I would never in a million years treat anyone that way and I’m pretty astonished that partner and his parents haven’t point blank told him he’s out of line, I would be horrified of my child ever treated another person that way and I would tell them in no uncertain terms that it’s unacceptable and won’t be tolerated.

I’m just incredibly sad that an already sad time has been made even more so.

He's a dick but you never have to see him again. I'm guessing he and your ex had a chat and you became the big bad witch.

I think it’s very hard to know what’s going on based on your post. He shouldn’t be rude to you but it sounds like he is just trying to avoid you which could be related to how he felt treated by you at the start of the holiday or could be based on something your ex-partner has told him.

Regardless, it’s the end of the holiday and a new start and life for you once you return.

If I was on a (3 week!) family holiday and my sibling-in-law decided to have a confrontation with my sibling in front of everyone, I wouldn't be terribly impressed.

Your BIL feels the best thing to do is withdraw from engaging with you. He's not bullying you. Better that than more confrontation and arguments and drama.

I mean this all sounds terribly messy.

I don't think your husband and his family should confront the brother - there's clearly been enough drama on the holiday. I think it was probably ruined already by your and your partners antics,

If you're actually separating from your husband and never have to see him again, give it no headspace. Just ignore it and move on.

I don't think it's bullying - it's refusing to engage with you. I'd probably do the same on a 3 week holiday with a SIL who caused a huge scene!

You kicked off dragged everyone into it it he’s sucked it up for a while but now he’s done

For everyone saying I kicked off, I most certainly didn’t kick off, I don’t kick off about anything, that’s not my style. We ended up having what should’ve been a private discussion in front of the family, initiated by me privately but carried on in front of others which obviously shouldn’t have happened.

i think it incredibly odd to accept an apology then spend a week or so getting on great with someone then suddenly stop interacting with them or acknowledging them at all. The air had been cleared, there was no chance of anything further happening.

Oof three weeks with in-laws while in the middle of a split with possible cheating involved. That sounds like an emotional hell hole.

I think accusing him of bullying you is an overreaction. He isn't attacking you; he is ignoring you. But he certainly sounds like he's decided to make you the bad guy. It is horrible, but you never have to see him again after this or at least not for a very long time. So I'd just get it over with and say your goodbyes. Never agree to anything like this holiday again either 💐

It sounds like your partner has been treating you poorly then ended things right before a three week long-haul holiday with his family where he knew you would be essentially trapped with him and his family for several weeks. Despite his creating these rather cruel conditions for you, he expected you to behave like a paragon of virtue and not allow anyone in the family to feel or see the effects of the relationship-ending conflict between the two of you. You (predictably) were unable to keep up the pretense during the holiday. You then apologised (despite the entire situation in which you were placed being completely unreasonable). His brother then began blanking you.

None of this was unpredictable. I get why his brother is ignoring you. He's loyal to his sibling. Ignoring you is wrong, but he was placed in a difficult position.

But the root problem here, unless there's something big you've done wrong that you haven't disclosed here, is that your partner placed you in an utterly untenable situation that no normal person would be able to withstand. I find ONE week with my husband's family difficult and we are happily married and his family are nice people. Three weeks stuck with him and his family in a distant location from which you can't escape, when you've just been told he's dumping you, and, from your other posts he likely has been seeing someone behind your back? It was just completely unfair to you. And his family, if they have any sense, should understand that. Their vacation was ruined but so was yours and at least they are all loyal to each other but they should see that you are spending your three weeks on hostile territory and that you were placed in a much worse position than any of them.

He's ignoring you. Ignore him.

That was never a good idea.

Also

I confronted my partner in front of the rest of the family

Wtf?

You said you confronted him in fron of everyone, now your saying you didn't?

Forget about it and move on. But FWIW if I was the other family members I would be pissed at both of you for making my 3 week holiday uncomfortable for everyone.

You brought this on yourself by airing your dirty laundry in public, unfortunately. He was probably always going to side with his brother rather than you anyway. Sounds like he accepted your apology to keep the peace but he still doesn't like you, which is entirely his prerogative.

Don’t give yourself a hard time op. Soon you won’t have have anything to do with him. Thankfully his mum and dad seem nice

I think you need to ask yourself why you care about what BIL is or isn't doing?
His brother is soon to be your ex, if your husband is still wanting to split. So BIL's opinion or actions literally mean nothing.

Vs "I confronted my partner" (you left out the ex, btw). You've clearly been a dreadful drama queen right at the outset and BIL is now grey rocking you as so many people on here are advised to do, until you're out of his life.

You don't get to light the blue touch paper and then stand back and accuse other people of bullying you. Your poor PIL must be counting the days til the end of this bizarre holiday. Why didn't you stay at home?!

I wish you hadn’t apologised. Especially if your partner is already cheating on you at home, as you suspect.

Why bother about somebody who won't be a part of your family group in the near future? You are winding yourself up over something that you have no control over. Why give a shit? He doesn't have to like you, move on

It started as a private discussion which was picked up by his family, the part that shouldn’t have happened was that the discussion was continued in front of them with me making known my suspicions about another person being involved, so no, I didn’t kick off. I’m not a teenager.

I just can’t understand why you thought it was a good idea to go ahead with the holiday?

I cannot believe the responses to OP- what the hell? If you'd hit him over the head with a wine bottle I don't think he could complain. Ridiculous to go on such a holiday, and untenable for all. You have every right to be upset and if that spilled over, so what? People on here!