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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL treatment of me

52 replies

Riseofthephoenix · 12/02/2023 15:28

I posted a couple of weeks ago about my partner telling me he wants to end our relationship and my struggles with it all.

We are currently on holiday with our DS (2) , partners parents, partners DB and SIL, it was a long haul destination that had been booked for a long time so we decided to go so that everyone could have the experience with little one, we are now coming to the end of the three week holiday.

On the 5th day of the holiday I ended up making a terrible decision, I confronted my partner in front of the rest of the family (DS was in bed), I am usually a very calm and composed person but in light of recent events, his treatment of me on the holiday and since he told me it was over and his behaviour on holiday which really reinforced my belief that he is seeing someone else I just lost my composure and that was that. Just to add, I was sober when this happened.

The following day I personally apologised to everyone, it was a very genuine and heartfelt apology and I meant every word, everyone graciously accepted and we all decided to put our behind us and enjoy the rest of the holiday as much as possible, partner and I had a long chat and established some boundaries and expectations of behaviour for the rest of our time away. Since then, things have been great, we have all gotten on really well. Me, partner, BIL and SIL went on a couple of days away just us adults and got along fabulously, really enjoyed it.

We came back to the main holiday destination a week ago Saturday, Sunday morning comes and BIL just randomly stopped speaking to me, he tends to be quite moody if he is tired etc so at first I just assumed that’s what it was, however for the best part of a week and a half now he has been completely ignoring me, acting like I don’t exist, if I walk into the room, he walks out, if I speak to him, he literally ignores me, I have overheard him a couple of times make quite nasty comments aimed at me. He won’t go anywhere where I am so we haven’t socialised as a group since he stopped speaking to me, I realise that my initial actions were out of order but good subsequent treatment of me has really ruined the holiday.
i keep get told by partner and his parents to ignore BIL and that they are annoyed at him but he just snaps at them anytime they try to address it so they’ve stopped trying.

AIBU to think his behaviour and treatment of me is completely out of line? He never has to see me again after this holiday. Surely he could’ve just sucked it up and acted like an adult?
he’s basically bullied me, I would never in a million years treat anyone that way and I’m pretty astonished that partner and his parents haven’t point blank told him he’s out of line, I would be horrified of my child ever treated another person that way and I would tell them in no uncertain terms that it’s unacceptable and won’t be tolerated.

I’m just incredibly sad that an already sad time has been made even more so.

OP posts:
DangerNoodles · 12/02/2023 16:28

It's never a good idea to bring your in laws into your marital problems. No matter who is at fault, of course they will side with him because he is thier son, brother etc.

Most people would be pissed off if they had forked out for a holiday and booked annual leave only to have it ruined by one of the couples arguing. If PIL paid for the holiday as is so often the case with these holidays, I think you owe them an apology. You and your DH really should have stayed at home if you couldn't keep composure.

mybunniesandme · 12/02/2023 16:30

You confronted your partner about having an affair infront of his family?? Definitely would describe it as "kicking off" no matter how calmly you think you did it?

Ponoka7 · 12/02/2023 16:30

I'd put money on your soon to be ex badmouthing you. I'd be wary of your DS being around him when you split. If he's insulting you to your face, what's he going to be saying post split? I'd be telling your ex that one more nasty comment that isn't delt with by him and you'll be kicking off for the first time in your life.

StalkedByASpider · 12/02/2023 16:32

Riseofthephoenix · 12/02/2023 16:21

It started as a private discussion which was picked up by his family, the part that shouldn’t have happened was that the discussion was continued in front of them with me making known my suspicions about another person being involved, so no, I didn’t kick off. I’m not a teenager.

Show quote history

I suspect that this is just a difference in what you think the words mean OP.

"Losing your composure" and "a confrontation" means the same as kicking off to most people. According to your own description, it wasn't a calm conversation - and you felt that you had to offer a "heartfelt apology" to everyone the next day so that suggests it was a pretty unpleasant exchange ie/kicking off.

But going back to your original question - maybe your BIL was just being pleasant to get through the adults-only mini trip and now you're back on the ship with others, he doesn't need to keep up the facade.

It can be a bit of a jolt to realise that when you split up with someone, you usually lose their family too - even if you were previously close, and even if the split wasn't your fault. I don't think your wellbeing is their priority any more - just suck it up and move on. They will always be your DD's family but they're not yours any longer. Harsh, but true I'm afraid.

StalkedByASpider · 12/02/2023 16:32

*DS not DD, sorry

Weallgottachangesometime · 12/02/2023 16:37

This holiday sounds like it was an awful idea for you. I’m not surprised something has gone squiffy going away for 3 weeks with an ex who already has a new partner.

maybe BIL is annoyed part of his holiday was spoiled. Really though, who cares. I wouldn’t make a big deal about it. Instead I’d focus on starting to mentally and practically separate yourself from your ex partner and his family. I know you will always have a link due to sharing xhildren, but really your ex BIL will be no one important in your life in the future.

Octonaut4Life · 12/02/2023 16:39

To be honest you and your partner's drama have probably really spoiled everyone else's holiday. It sounds like an expensive trip away and a significant proportion of everyone's annual leave etc, so presumably everyone was really looking forward to this. They're probably now quite stressed out and fed up to have been firstly dragged into your drama and secondly to have to spend the rest of the holiday walking on eggshells and trying to play nice. Blanking you is clearly not a great way of dealing with it and is pretty childish, but I think you need to acknowledge the impact you and your partner have likely had on everyone else's fun.

Dogcafedreamer · 12/02/2023 16:40

This is all madness, you're separating but went in an adults only few days with your DH? Why?

Sugargliderwombat · 12/02/2023 16:45

It sounds like a huge family trip that has, from their point of view, a bit by you going to be honest. I think I'd be annoyed too and would wonder why you came knowing you were splitting up. I do feel for you though, I think your head must be all over the place and you'll look back and wonder why the hell you went !

Sugargliderwombat · 12/02/2023 16:46

Oops deleted a bit - meant to say "from their point of view been ruined a bit".

Weallgottachangesometime · 12/02/2023 16:48

Dogcafedreamer · 12/02/2023 16:40

This is all madness, you're separating but went in an adults only few days with your DH? Why?

This^^
why? If I were on this holiday with you both I’d be really confused. What’s his new partner thinking of all This? How could you stand to be with him. Must have be hard work for you.

AnuSTart · 12/02/2023 16:48

Your DH has almost certainly told BIL something about you, lies, whatever. That's the only thing that makes sense.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/02/2023 17:00

I don't understand people saying the OP has ruined an expensive holiday. The OP should apologise.

Her cheating soon to be ex has ruined her life. She clearly got suckered into going on this holiday so that everyone could have some time with her "little one" which she went into on the basis that her rotten ex would behave and treat her nicely in return.
He hasn't.
The OP has already apologised for bringing up the subject which started in private and was "picked up by his family".. Imagine being OP with the STB Ex and his whole family. Completely outnumbered.

She hasn't ruined their holiday. The Ex has.

Goodadvice1980 · 12/02/2023 17:05

I’d just go home with ds and leave them to it.

Dogcafedreamer · 12/02/2023 17:39

Goodadvice1980 · 12/02/2023 17:05

I’d just go home with ds and leave them to it.

Oh yeah, just book a long haul flight at the cost of £££££££ abs go home 😂

aloris · 12/02/2023 17:47

Well I must say if my partner broke up with me shortly before a long haul 3 week holiday that we were going on with the kids, it wouldn't be so easy to just snap my fingers and not go on the holiday. Completely apart from the fact I would already have fixed those dates as my annual leave and paid for the tickets, most men are not such great caregivers to their own children that the kids would be safe with them for 3 weeks in an unfamiliar area. Not to mention lots of kids don't do that well when they are away from their mum (who is usually the primary caregiver) for an extended period. Dads tend to forget to do things like put on suncream regularly, resulting in sunburns, even bad ones. They don't pay as much attention to keeping the kids hydrated and fed. They don't notice when the kids are coming down with a bug. Sorry to be cynical and I know some mums here have wonderful husbands who are on top of everything. But the kind of man who leaves his partner in the lurch right before vacation probably isn't one of them.

I don't see why the OP is getting all the flack when the fault lies with the partner who broke up with her right before an extended long haul vacation with the kids and HIS family. He knew he was putting her in a horrible situation. He knew there would be bitter discussions and no privacy. Maybe he even timed the breakup for right before the vacation just to put her on the back foot.

I think the lesson here is, don't EVER, EVER go on a long-haul extended vacation with your in-laws. If anything goes wrong, you are going to be left out on a limb while the rest of them make you into the bad guy.

CopperMaran · 12/02/2023 17:58

your BiL’s unkind behaviour is a reflection of his values. He’s unhappy for whatever reason and is taking it out of you as he thinks you won’t be actively in his life anymore and can therefore indulge himself with little real consequence. Youre upset because you wouldn’t behave that way in the same circumstances, and in fact sound likely to go the other way and be overly kind to someone in your situation. The only person whose behaviour you can control is your own so visualise how you would like to feel you’ve conducted yourself by the end of this holiday and survive. You’ll likely have a reaction to all this when you get home but you will survive.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/02/2023 18:00

Regardless of the 'public-ness' of the 'discussion', this is you STBX-BiL. You need to basically 'ignore him back'.

As far as thinking that your STBX-iLs or STBX should 'talk to him' about his behaviour towards you, why should they? I wouldn't. You're soon to be out of the STBX-iLs lives and their and your STBX's responsibility to help you maintain a relationship with his family is at and end. They probably don't want to upset or alienate STBXBiL for the sake of their son's STBXP. I wouldn't. And I think that, if you choose to keep a cordial relationship with your Ex-iLs for the sake of your DC, you should just let it go.

Grit your teeth, get through the rest of the holiday, then (figuratively) kiss BiL goodbye.

Overandunderit · 12/02/2023 18:02

Maybe he didn't accept your apology OP, which is he entitled not to do. You're the one that has to suck it up.

You made a massive mistake still going away with them.

ladydimitrescu · 12/02/2023 18:08

You created an incredibly awkward situation by involving the other family members, and probably ruined their time away. I wouldn't be happy at all if I was put in that position by you. I'm not surprised he doesn't want to speak to you to be honest! If I'd gone on a 3 week long haul, probably once in a lifetime trip, and had it made awful and tense by someone unnecessarily I wouldn't speak to them either. Better for him to ignore you and stay silent than confront you, surely you've learned that lesson? Confused

Awrite · 12/02/2023 18:10

You need to find your self esteem op. Going on holiday with a man who is casting you aside is madness. Never mind that his family was there too, utterly soul destroying.

Walk away. Try to hold your head up high.

Bil is always going to hate you. Don't fall into his trap by letting it get to you.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/02/2023 18:30

"and had it made awful and tense by someone unnecessarily"

I just don't understand why the OP is considered to be wholly to blame for this and not her STBX - it takes two to argue.
He is cheating on her. He has dumped her. She came on the holiday for the sake of her DD's relationship with the in laws.
So what if under the circumstances there's a bit of an argument. The STBX started the row in private, it went public and Inlaws got involved. OP was outnumbered and defending herself.
In three weeks, one barny hardly constitutes ruining an entire holiday and the in laws are immature to whine about that. Especially as OP apologised. They should have told her not to come if they objected to her. They know the DP had cheated on her so they should have expected things to be awkward.
Its an awkward situation - but it's not entirely the OP's fault.
The BIL is acting like a twit and could easily just carry on and do his own thing on this holiday without making such a point of ignoring the OP - so childish and it seems like none of the inlaws are thinking about the DD at all.

Pleasecreateausername13 · 12/02/2023 18:43

I would never have went on that holiday in a million years. Nope…don’t care if I had paid 10k for it, nope never!

OP not sure what you were thinking.

jtaeapa · 12/02/2023 18:47

I wouldn’t have gone and neither would I have allowed my child to go. No matter the cost. Your h is cheating. At least you get rid of bil as well when you get rid of ex.

SalmonEile · 12/02/2023 18:56

I think something has happened between you going away just adults with BIL and SIL …
honestly and not trying to be harsh OP coz you’re already getting a hard time here but I find that weird that you did that.
What was that time like , did you share a room with your STBX or with SIL or how did you all interact on holiday
it had to be weird to spend a few days like that knowing you’re breaking up when it’s over?
are you close to BIL and SIL normally? Are they upset about losing you as a friend?
is there anything you might have inadvertently said to your SIL that she’s told BIL about ?
maybe BIL is confused about you all acting pally together and having a great time but you’re still breaking up so he’s cutting you out before you cut him out
the only way is to confront him head on and ask him head on
or accept he’s no longer part of your life