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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect ex to allow my bf in the house

33 replies

yukkamumma · 12/02/2023 13:58

I have my dd14 full time as she's chosen to cut her dad off due to him being an abusive twunt.

Ex pays half the mortgage, I think so I don't mess with him keeping his tools in our garage for work. Also so he has a degree of control over the place.

He had the kids eow before she decided to stop going. Obvs she comes first but I've forged a great new relationship in the last 6 months and haven't been happier in 17 years being stuck with abusive ex.

AIBU to expect exH to allow my bf in my house for a coffee at least? He plans to buy this house off me and doesn't want another man in it. If he can't come round I'm seriously restricted to when I can see him. Dd is often out and I'm here on my own just waiting on her coming back. I wouldn't travel to dp house when she's out in case she needs me.

OP posts:
Figmentof · 12/02/2023 14:00

No would he know?

Figmentof · 12/02/2023 14:01

How, that should have said

ChaToilLeam · 12/02/2023 14:01

How would he even know? Does he have some kind of surveillance going on?

2crossedout1 · 12/02/2023 14:01

Of course YANBU.

littlefireseverywhere · 12/02/2023 14:01

your ex can’t control who’s in your house.

Dillydollydingdong · 12/02/2023 14:02

Surely the ex isn't spying on you 24/7? How will he know if the bf is there? Either the Ex buys you out or he doesn't. How long does he expect you to wait, being controlled like this. There's a saying "either piss in the pot or get off". He just wants control.

plumduck · 12/02/2023 14:03

How does he even know?

IsItBedtimeYetNope · 12/02/2023 14:04

This situation is bizarre. Do you mean having your boyfriend around to visit? Or to stay for longer? And why does your ex want to (or need to) buy your house off you? Where will you live after that? Why can't you visit your boyfriend at his own house? What does your 14 year old think of a random stranger coming round her house, even if while she's out? Why do you sit all day waiting for her to come home? Don't you have a job to go to?
So. Many. Questions.

Notimeforaname · 12/02/2023 14:04

You ignore him and carry on living your life. He cant be standing in your doorway every minute of the day waiting to refuse entry. Stop giving him the power.

TrishM80 · 12/02/2023 14:05

To those asking "how would he know", the OP said the ex keeps tools in the garage for his work so would presumably have cause to call over to the house. Ostensibly to "get tools" but probably also do a bit of spying!

Headabovetheparakeet · 12/02/2023 14:06

What do you mean by 'he has a degree of control over the place'?

If he has control over who goes in and out if the house then I would say he has total control and you shouldn't be living like this.

Do you work?

TibetanTerrah · 12/02/2023 14:06

Surely you just get BF to park round the corner and you hang out in a room that has lots of hiding places should ex turn up Grin

smileladiesplease · 12/02/2023 14:07

I am confused. Why are you waiting for your teenager to come home in the day surely she has a key?

Why did you even discuss it with your ex? Whet business is it of his? Very confused

Binfluencer · 12/02/2023 14:12

  1. DD is 14, you can go to BF house

  2. Your ex can not control who have in the house

Why are you letting others control your life?

BatshitBanshee · 12/02/2023 14:15

So when are you planning on being an active participant in your own life? You can go to DP's house. You can have him in your home. Why are you still allowing ex to make the rules. His own daughter doesn't want to see him - and the tools in the garage, that is only so he has a reason to come by unannounced. Does he have CCTV in your home that he can access? Are you under surveillance?

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 12/02/2023 14:19

Oh this reminds me of my ex. He tried saying my new partner couldn't come to my home when the kids were there, obviously I wasn't stupid enough to bring a stranger to my kids in the house but over time they met him and liked him, he came to mine, we went to his. Ex didn't like it because for him it was all about control. I just ignored him and lived my life. 12 years on my partner and I are very happy and have a child of our own and my kids cut off their dad a while ago.
Your ex wants control, don't give him it

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 12/02/2023 14:20

Partner and I are now married that was meant to say

MrsRickAstley · 12/02/2023 14:23

I am in exactly the same situation except ex pays all of the mortgage. He therefore has 'forbidden' me to bring anyone back. He's also controlling. It's a whole other story but this is your thread.

I can't afford to buy him out and need the stability for my DC. It's a sacrifice I make.

However I was thinking of ways to change the arrangement which put me more in control and they might help you (probably not for me).

  1. does the mortgage payment come from your bank account or his ? If it's his, can you change to yours?
  2. does he pay CM on top of the mortgage payment or in lieu of ? If it's lieu of, then switch it to CM.
  3. remember you don't have to agree to anything he proposes. He can't sell without you and vice versa.

In terms of visitors it's not fair that he dictates but really the only way round is to sell / have him buy you out.

Original poster
yukkamumma · 12/02/2023 14:33

Thanks for the replies.

I do work full time but he left me with a bit of debt so I must confess, him paying half the mortgage for the next 6 months will let me pay that off. It annoys me that he's doing it for control but I'm better grinning and bearing it so I start on a clean slate when I move out.

I was all set to buy him out and he put so many conditions on it for AFTER I owned it, I told him to stick it up his arse. Such as also not being allowed a bf in and me having to sell it back to him after 5 years.

Bf lives about 20 mins drive away so I'm not overly comfortable just going when she's out. Maybe I can cut the apron strings a bit, I'll feel better in the summer when the nights are lighter. I also feel like if I leave her on her own I'm ditching her in favour of bf.

Kids were asking to meet bf before all this so him being here I think would be ok with them. I wouldn't do it if not.

ExH comes and goes for tools as op predicted. He's the type to bust in and cause a scene so I'd rather agree him coming round. I just wasn't sure if I had a cheek when he still pays half. He really is controlling, but wanted to be sure ianbu before broaching it.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 12/02/2023 14:42

I think you need a consult with a solicitor to find out your rights, most offer a fixed fee 30 minutes session. If you bought the house from him it would be yours and he would not have any say in what you did so no idea where you think you would have to sell it back to him after 5 years Shock

Get advice. Hes a controlling abusive twat.

whatyoulookingfor · 12/02/2023 14:48

If you buy him out the house you own it. He can't put any condition on it such as who can visit or that you have to sell it back to him!

Twentywisteria · 12/02/2023 14:53

Come on OP.. he's keeping those tools there entirely to control you.

Your daughter doesn't want to see him but he's able to let himself into the family home and control who visits.

Please seek legal advice - he is still abusing you.

Original poster
yukkamumma · 12/02/2023 15:02

I was about 10k short to make it happen with a 50/50 split, so he used that to bargain his conditions. I knew if I stayed here I'd be still controlled by him long after our divorce.

OP posts:
Luckingfovely · 12/02/2023 15:06

Please get external support with this. He should not have so much control over your life, and you need to start taking solid steps to regain your control.

Buymyselfflowers · 12/02/2023 15:07

It sounds very messy so I would sort out the house/financial situation before inviting boyfriends round.

I’ve been in the same situation where ex would turn up when he felt like. I paid the mortgage but he was joint owner so still was legally entitled to turn up.