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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end a long marriage over this

74 replies

Jacqueline1985 · 12/02/2023 09:17

Married over 20 years
hes bad with money. We both work full time but never pooled money, we have a joint account for bills only but his money is his, mine is mine.
No joint savings. I save for various things all year, he spends and flys by the seat of his pants when it comes to saving up for his half of holidays. I expect hes in credit card debit. Always has money for drinks, drinks pretty much daily now
we have kids
doesnt do much to help around the house. Goes away with mates often.
yesterday, no housework, just got up and went out 6 hrs. Then came home in a grump as something he thought was saved for him to eat wasnt and then proceeded to drink beer and sit with a face like a smacked arse all night, angry, slammed doors, stomped around the house.
im done but am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Cocobutt · 12/02/2023 10:44

What are his positives?

What good things does he bring to your life?

If life would be easier, less stressful, more fun being single - then the answer is obvious.

Talia99 · 12/02/2023 10:49

Divorces tend to be due to one dreadful behaviour (another woman, losing the house gambling etc.) or a slow grind of bad behaviour with each action not being bad enough by itself but slowly stacking up. With the latter, there is always a last straw. It sounds like his behaviour yesterday is it for you.

I wouldn’t want to be married to him but there’s a reason I’m happily single. Whether you’ve had enough is a matter for you but it doesn’t sound to me that there is any reason you should grit your teeth and slog on.

Ask yourself how you are benefiting from this marriage. If you can’t think of anything, there you are.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 12/02/2023 10:58

It's not as simple as debt is only his name so doesn't effect you, depending on circumstances and what it was spent on a judge can decide the debt is joint debt. I wouldn't be counting on it not going into the pot of assets and joint debt.

icelolly12 · 12/02/2023 11:00

It doesn't sound like much of a partnership. Get rid.

NextPrimeMinister · 12/02/2023 11:04

Being liable for half of £8k debt wouldn't keep me in a bad marriage.

I'd happily pay it (if liable) to get rid.

marchella · 12/02/2023 11:05

He sounds pretty awful OP. My sympathies.
I don't live in the UK so don't really get the separate accounts thing when you are married but hope you can sort something.

RoseMarigoldViolet · 12/02/2023 11:21

How old are your kids, op? Just thinking about how easy or difficult things would be for you?

Can you support the kids on your own?

Sounds like you would be happier without him.

JJ8765 · 12/02/2023 11:34

You will be financially carrying him I expect even with separate finances by buying more food or paying holidays. ExH didn’t work much and we were always in debt but once he left I cleared it quickly as I could control household spending much better. Even if you did end up having £4k debt taken off your share it’s worth it. His debt situation probably get worse not better the longer you stay together too.

flabbygoldfish · 12/02/2023 11:39

Does not sound like he is enhancing your life or making things any better for you. There were no positives in your post and it appears you are almost living separate lives.

See a solicitor, work out what it would take to split everything and take it from there. I cannot see this situation getting any better.

Original poster
Jacqueline1985 · 12/02/2023 17:52

Thanks for all your replies. You are right, its not “help around the house“ its doing his fair share. We both work full time. I just do more as i like a tidy house.

ive ferried kids to hobbies all weekend because hes not been around. I know i can cope on my own, i live as if hes not here anyway, ive kind of detached the last two years.

i bit the bullet earlier, i thought id strike whilst the iron was hot and had a talk with him. He was very angry. Tried to turn everything round on me and im to blame for us not getting on anymore apparently. Not the fact he’s constantly merry , drink face, i feel lonely. I dont want this to be my life.

im retraining to earn more money. We both earn ok average amounts. I’ve generally earnt more than him through the years, not by much. He has no ambition. Sticks in a job he doesnt like etc.

i feel frustrated that others have spare money to do stuff and were skint each month. Im trying my hardest to save and do end up paying more for stuff than him but i feel like im getting No where and hes holding me back. Am i a bitch, i feel like one

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 12/02/2023 18:09

You know you're not a bitch. You've just reached the end of your rope. His misery of h

FlowerArranger · 12/02/2023 18:11

You know you're not a bitch. You've just reached the end of your rope. His misery is of his own making. You deserve better.

Now is the time to get out. Do it while you have the momentum. 💐

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/02/2023 18:17

Sounds like plenty of reasons to me!

The business about the food would really annoy me all by itself!

Robin233 · 12/02/2023 19:52

He's obviously unhappy- probably because he's stuck a job he doesn't like , and too afraid to try for something better.
So drinks.
You could try and get to the bottom of this but at the end of the day he is responsible for his happiness and only he can dig himself out of the pit he's in.
The best thing you can do is live your best life.
Together for now....
I'd have popped some tea on a covered plate for him though as pp said
Sadly when you had your Frank talk , in typical male fashion he felt attacked and turned it a round on you.
Having said that in his clumsy way, he has opened up to you , and maybe there are things you could do .... but its give and take.
Debt and drink are fairly serious issues and can't be swept under the carpet for long.

flabbygoldfish · 12/02/2023 20:16

Im trying my hardest to save and do end up paying more for stuff than him but i feel like im getting No where and hes holding me back. Am i a bitch, i feel like one

You are not a bitch. you are just trying much harder at trying to improve life for the kids and yourself and he is not matching your effort.

You are at a crossroads where you either choose to continue trying to make a better life for you & the kids or stay with your husband and take what you can get.

LaMereDuChat · 12/02/2023 20:20

Go. What is he going to do when he's old? Live off the state pension or bum off you?

caringcarer · 12/02/2023 21:26

If you are married it makes no difference who ran the debt up, or whose name it's in. All debt is joint according to to law. One of my in colleagues had a husband who is ran in up debt ok n his card and in divorce judge deducted his debts before sharing out assets.

unsync · 12/02/2023 23:47

If he's blaming you then he won't accept responsibility for his part, so probably won't make an effort to fix anything. Honestly, he also sounds emotionally abusive. It won't get better will it? You deserve more.

Cate0101 · 12/02/2023 23:57

He's an anchor. Go and have a good life. Find someone who gives a shit.

GabriellaMontez · 13/02/2023 12:35

He's lazy and self centred.

I wouldn't hesitate to leave him. Before you tell him you're leaving get some legal advice in real life.

There's nothing wrong with having a day out on your own sometimes. But in the context of what you describe... get rid.

DelphiniumBlue · 13/02/2023 12:46

I don't think the onus is on you to be nice, or patient, or even reasonable. He's the one being none of those things, why should there be a different bar for you?
He's made his position clear, he does what he wants ,when he wants. He doesn't find it incumbent on him to be pleasant or even civil.
So whether you are being reasonable or not is not the issue. Do what you want, like he does. If what you want is to end the marriage, then do that.

Original poster
Jacqueline1985 · 13/02/2023 12:49

i do need some professional legal advice. What sort of info do they need initially? Wages, savings, kids, we rent, pension info?

later last night he put on the puppy dog eyes kept telling me he didnt want to split up/loves me etc. things will be diffErent when the kids are older etc. im dreading when the kids leave and being stuck with him. He carried on his drinking and was talking to me through blurry eyes. I just thought yuk, he stunk, slurring his words. He had been drinking beer but had also drank a 3/4 bottle of wine i saw this morning. Got up and gone work.

OP posts:
Sloth66 · 13/02/2023 12:58

He’s dragging you down and you deserve better. Sounds like you work hard and plan for the future.
I’d be looking at getting legal advice and taking it from there .

FlowerArranger · 13/02/2023 13:14

Look at Wikivorce and get some books from the library, such as Divorce for Dummies. Some family solicitors have useful information on their websites.

Gather ALL financial documentation and draw up a concise summary of assets, split between individual and joint: cash, investments, salaries/P60s, pensions, mortgage, house deeds, debts if any.

Use solicitor time wisely as they charge for everything. Even reading a very short email will be charged at 6 minutes of their time. Focus on the practical stuff, i.e steps of the divorce process. Only call or email if necessary. Limit phone calls and keep emails concise.

Original poster
Jacqueline1985 · 13/02/2023 14:22

Thanks for the information. Wikidivorce looks good. Were fairly simple in that we have no house to sell, not much in savings and its a given The kids will come with me as I currently do the school drop offs etc. both have pensions. Both work full time. £179 is a good price for legal help. I know there are other charges along the way to pay for. I just want him to keep his debts and agree child maintenance. I just want to walk away

OP posts:
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