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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like a failure as a mother

39 replies

LikeEmeraldeyes · 12/02/2023 08:44

I have one son being moved back a school year. He doesn't behave. He's rude. He's hard to take out in public and he hurts me daily. His behaviour is the type where you would judge me in public. I've read enough mn threads to know. Even when he is behaving in public he squalls ans squeaks and chirps and hoots.

My other son is neglected because our hands are so full and he's struggling in his reading. I just don't have time to dedicate to him.

My house is a mess. I'm in stacks of debt.

I just am exhausted and permanently grumpy.
I can't meet everyone's needs. Least of all my own.

OP posts:

Weedoormatnomore · 12/02/2023 08:48

Why are your hands so full you can't find time to do reading with your son ? How old are they ?

Hazey19 · 12/02/2023 08:50

you need to seek out some support. Ask for some early help or family support. There is no shame in this they are brilliant.

Vallmo47 · 12/02/2023 08:59

It sounds like you need better support, could you address this need with school and GP? Any family who can help you by giving you a break at times? How old are your kids? Moving back a year isn’t the end of the world, it’s just a sign that your son needs additional support and you will do everything in your power to get that, I’m sure of it. Is he in a mainstream school? In my experience they never have the resources to help properly, you need to fight tooth and nail for it to happen.
As for people judging you in public- I think society has come quite a long way in understanding sometimes there’s mental health reasons involved, it’s not just your average brat misbehaving. It’s normal to look up at the sound of something out of the ordinary (you instantly react - like telling someone not to put your hands out when falling), but I then do my very best to look in another direction entirely. I welcome your opinion on what I should be doing in those situations to be honest … I just feel like a bad person. I’ve gone up to the parent before and said “Been there, if I can do anything to help let me know”, but it wasn’t appreciated. So now I don’t want to take up their time and make matters worse by offering! Just know we aren’t all judging.

GlowingBear · 12/02/2023 09:05

I’m sorry to hear this OP. Have the school offered any other support and has your son been offered a SENCO appointment? If not, please make that a priority, even though you probably feel like you don’t have the energy. His behaviour sounds beyond the bounds of typical and they might be able to help you get to the bottom of it.

Ignore the ridiculous posts asking why you aren’t doing more. They likely have zero idea what it is like to parent in these circumstances. You obviously care enough to post about it, and that tells me you are a good mum

Ortegaa · 12/02/2023 09:15

Has your son been assessed? Does he have any kind of diagnosis which could open up some support?

tillyoumakeit · 12/02/2023 09:20

Weedoormatnomore · 12/02/2023 08:48

Why are your hands so full you can't find time to do reading with your son ? How old are they ?

🤣🤣

tillyoumakeit · 12/02/2023 09:23

Hazey19 · 12/02/2023 08:50

you need to seek out some support. Ask for some early help or family support. There is no shame in this they are brilliant.

I agree with this. A friend of mine is now getting support from early help and it sounds really positive. I'm sorry you're feeling so crap. Do you have a partner? Is he/she supportive? Can you get some kind of break for yourself, even a couple of hours a week?

NeedAHoliday2021 · 12/02/2023 09:25

How old are dc?

for the one struggling to read - read to him at home. It’s less stressful and still really beneficial.

house - have a big clear out to chuck out clutter and then work through one room at a time to tidy. Have a couple of baskets you can chuck stuff in for speed - it doesn’t need to look like a show home just tidy enough for your mental state.

debt - call Christians against poverty (CAP) - they are non judgemental and amazing. Let them help you talk it through so you’re less alone.

accept things are hard right now and that’s okay. Reach out for help and speak to the school.

many of us have felt overwhelmed and that’s where you are now. Take slow breaths and set achievable goals.

NeedMoMoney · 12/02/2023 09:25

Weedoormatnomore · 12/02/2023 08:48

Why are your hands so full you can't find time to do reading with your son ? How old are they ?

Maybe try re-reading the post before you comment, you might answer your own question then..okay, does that help 😊

FabFitFifties · 12/02/2023 09:32

tillyoumakeit · 12/02/2023 09:20

🤣🤣

Show quote history

This is really not helpful - OP has explained in her post - read it again.

enweto · 12/02/2023 09:33

Are you in the UK? Moving a child back a year mid-schooling shouldn’t be happening. There is stacks of evidence against it and it definitely shouldn't be happening because of behaviour. If anything it will contribute to the behaviour by battering his self esteem. Why would his behaviour be any different in a younger class? I’d be kicking up merry hell about this. Go to your local authority / MP.

As for everything else - you need help. Could you ask reach school what other services they can out you in touch with? (maybe do this before raising hell about keeping your child back)

FabFitFifties · 12/02/2023 09:34

Apologies that was for Weedoormatnomore not tillyoumakeit -

FabFitFifties · 12/02/2023 09:39

Google Early Help for your area OP - if it's the same as my area, they are a great resource and very helpful in chairing meetings to ensure all relevant professionals are doing what is needed to support children and families.

tillyoumakeit · 12/02/2023 09:41

FabFitFifties · 12/02/2023 09:32

This is really not helpful - OP has explained in her post - read it again.

Show quote history

I was not laughing at the OP! I was laughing at the ridiculousness of the hugely unhelpful comment.

Hellopello · 12/02/2023 10:53

I’m sorry you’re going through all this and feeling like you’re not doing enough, but please don’t be blaming yourself. Sometimes it’s just the way things work out during this difficult time in your children ‘s life due to their own difficulties and struggles, and additionally sounds like instead of trying to get help from others he is lashing out and making poor decisions due to immaturity.

Do something nice for yourself today. Be kind to yourself and don’t let the negativity of your son go through your head again

Think about asking your other son what he wants to do with his time after school and if he wants to do a 30 minute session once a night going over school work together either before or after evening meal.
Can you apply to change your son into a different school so he can start again at the next level down?

theoldcatsmells · 12/02/2023 10:58

Something's got to give hasn't it, and what that thing is is different for all of us. medication for us, for the kids, tablets for the kids, us working less, us working more, .....

Any of these decisions could be judged but we need to pick one and go with it because the alternative is destruction.

Original poster

LikeEmeraldeyes · 12/02/2023 15:52

I work x3 12 hour days and x2 8h days. Husband is mid week majority caregiver. I'm majority caregiver weekends as he is then working.

Midweek dh spends most of his time trying to regulate ds1 after school and also to keep him safe so gets minimal time.with ds2.

We've just moved the boys to a better school and year R will be better suited to ds1. I agree it's very unusual. The headteacher had to consult with the LA regarding the legalities of decelerating midyear.

He was diagnosed with asc in December. I need to fill a dla form but it's so overwhelming. He can't access after school care without consequences behaviourally and emotionally.

I guess I'm kind of grieving. He's amazing but it's not what I wanted or expected for my life.

OP posts:

Original poster

LikeEmeraldeyes · 12/02/2023 15:55

We are under some form of early help but it's been suggested that we don't need a family support worker because we have all the strategies in place. The lady said that it wouldn't be beneficial to us to escalate things

OP posts:

MathsIsFab · 12/02/2023 16:02

sorry to hear this @LikeEmeraldeyes , it’s just crap, please rant away …
one thing though, did you mean to say he was diagnosed with ASD?

part of his behaviour is similar to DH who’s diagnosed with adhd so proper treatment literally saved us !

MathsIsFab · 12/02/2023 16:03

Not DH… more DS 😆

Original poster

LikeEmeraldeyes · 12/02/2023 16:13

Autism yes. But it can be called asc I believe. I don't believe it should be labelled a disorder. I'm also autistic and don't think I have a disorder. Autism seems so common it can't be a disorder when it's such a huge group of people? Surely? I duno. I'm getting philosophical about it. But then I have had a fair bit of alcohol over lunch as its my birthday today.

We will probably go back to camhs for an adhd assessment. But we had to get a credit card to get his autism assessment as the waiting list was just too long and his behaviour too volatile

OP posts:

MathsIsFab · 12/02/2023 16:18

LikeEmeraldeyes · 12/02/2023 16:13

We will probably go back to camhs for an adhd assessment. But we had to get a credit card to get his autism assessment as the waiting list was just too long and his behaviour too volatile

Ok I see , I had no clue it’s called asc

it’s not a disorder it doesn’t matter really, I just mentioned Adhd as he seems irrational and defiant and thankfully there is medication which has absolutely saved many of us

Happy birthday !!!!!

Original poster

LikeEmeraldeyes · 12/02/2023 16:30

I'm surprised we haven't had any very major injuries. We've had a lot of near misses despite our very close supervision. He's had his lip glued once and his forehead glued once but that's it really.

I think adhd is quite likely. However because he "copes" in school he's largely been left to it

OP posts:

MathsIsFab · 12/02/2023 16:33

For Adhd you need 2 different settings where he’s struggling
but … if he’s struggling massively in just one (home in your case) they can still support you (was confirmed by DS psychiatrist)

I’d say go for it and ask for assessment ; you might be in much better place soon
good luck x

Original poster

LikeEmeraldeyes · 12/02/2023 16:40

He's struggling in all settings. He has a 1:1 at swimming. A 1:1 at another sports club. His school complains he doesn't focus but don't put it down to autism or adhd and can't always process instructions very well. He can't follow two step instructions in school. They just don't recognise that it's an issue with neurodiversity. They just think he's low ability and doesn't focus.

I'm so thankful he's moving school. He wasn't quite six when he had his autism diagnosis. They only assess for adhd once six. Which he is now.

I just need to try to get past that frazzled failure feeling

OP posts:

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