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Original poster

Fed up of this ‘friendship’

48 replies

Itsmyturnnow1 · 12/02/2023 07:19

I have a ‘friend’, I use the term friend loosely because she isn’t really. We have been friends since school (our brothers were in the same class, so we became friends). She’s a friend who is really flaky and always cancels plans. She has some health issues and I’ve been there for her through a lot of her shit, but nothing ever changes. We drifted a while back, basically because I couldn’t be doing with the negativity she brought to my life so I just distanced myself and we didn’t speak at all. However we met again through a mutual friend one night out and she’s back again.

In the last two years I’ve probably seen her physically about four times, despite our children going to the same school and her living two roads away! She’s all talk, says she wants to make plans and then when it comes to it she cancels right before. She is always telling me she loves me and that I’m her best friend via text etc etc but to me, this is just a drain and nothing about it represents a friendship! My boyfriend thinks she’s manipulative and wants to hang on to the friendship.

She has had lots of issues in her life but never seems to get any help for them but wants someone to moan to. She definitely needs therapy. I have my own issues and don’t need someone moaning to me all the time. If we had a friendship as well and she offered something positive, I’d not mind the moaning so much!

The latest thing is her saying she wants to go away for the weekend, she suggested a spa weekend or one of those sushi making courses! Given I can’t get her to actually stick to meeting for a glass of wine or a dog walk (she recently got a sausage dog and I have one too), I’m not booking an elaborate weekend knowing she will cancel!

I just don’t know how to deal with this anymore! I have my own issues, a poorly mum, my own health issues and the other general issues life bring. I deal with them myself with therapy and exercise etc so I never put them on her but I’m finding her to be a massive drain!!

Any advice on how to deal with this? I actually told her last time we drifted that our friendship was too negative and demanding and not serving me, but nothing has changed! I don’t want to be rude but this is also pissing me off on a daily basis!!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 12/02/2023 07:21

Phase her out again like you did last time

MissMogwai · 12/02/2023 07:25

As pp said, just phase her out.

I would have said have a direct conversation with her but as you've told her straight before and it apparently fell on deaf ears, just withdraw from her.

Castiron12 · 12/02/2023 07:26

Cannot tell you what’s right for you as ultimately only you know whether this friendship is worth maintaining or whether to cut ties again

However I read something recently that said regardless of the ins/outs of the situation, how you feel after leaving an interaction with a friend is your answer

do you feel energised/ positive or do you feel drained / negative
when a message pops up from this friend do you feel a sense of dread

that was the deciding factor for me in a recent friendship situation

Original poster
Itsmyturnnow1 · 12/02/2023 07:30

Castiron12 · 12/02/2023 07:26

Cannot tell you what’s right for you as ultimately only you know whether this friendship is worth maintaining or whether to cut ties again

However I read something recently that said regardless of the ins/outs of the situation, how you feel after leaving an interaction with a friend is your answer

do you feel energised/ positive or do you feel drained / negative
when a message pops up from this friend do you feel a sense of dread

that was the deciding factor for me in a recent friendship situation

When I see a message it actually gives me rage!! Says it all really! I have friends I see who bring me up and who I leave feeling energised and positive. She is the total opposite. I feel guilty but it’s gone on for too long and I need to protect my own MH! We don’t even see eachother on the school run as her husband does the drop offs and pick ups so it’s basically a friendship via text!

OP posts:
Castiron12 · 12/02/2023 07:33

Itsmyturnnow1 · 12/02/2023 07:30

When I see a message it actually gives me rage!! Says it all really! I have friends I see who bring me up and who I leave feeling energised and positive. She is the total opposite. I feel guilty but it’s gone on for too long and I need to protect my own MH! We don’t even see eachother on the school run as her husband does the drop offs and pick ups so it’s basically a friendship via text!

Show quote history

I think that is your answer then.
Will either be a case of phasing out or if you don’t think she will take the hint then a frank discussion that the friendship has gone in different directions and isn’t working anymore but wish her all the best!

Paperdolly · 12/02/2023 07:35

If you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you’ve always got. Change it.

MermaidMummy06 · 12/02/2023 07:43

My friend is like this. It's not flakey, it's selfish. Once our kids started school she didn't even have time for a coffee, even though we were both SAHM's & lived close by.

She'll text about being at the shops, gym, getting nails done & invite only if it suits her - then turn up early & be eating by the time I got there (early!). I get bombarded with texts & photos when she's on holidays or having a whinge.

I just let it drop to a casual friendship. I don't ask her anywhere or have expectations & go if invited, if it suits. I barely see her at school pickup as her MIL does most of the childcare because she cba with her kids.

It's a diversion if bored & doesn't make seeing her awkward as DC's are friends. But don't rely on her at all!

Beautiful3 · 12/02/2023 07:45

Just ignore messages, put them on mute. If you run into her, just say you've been busy. When she suggests a weekend/day away say, " no I can't I'm too busy, sorry."

lifeinthehills · 12/02/2023 07:46

I wonder if she has social anxiety? Sometimes people with this can cancel at the last minute because they find they can't handle it.

I have a friend like this. I just schedule things that don't cost money and that won't be a problem if they cancel last minute - like coffee at my house.

If it's not something you're willing to deal with, then you don't have to continue the relationship.

pictoosh · 12/02/2023 07:46

I'm not really seeing that this is a dilemma. You haven't signed a contract with her. Just start phasing her away again.
Be honest too - tell her you're not about to book a weekend away with someone who flakes out all the time. It is actually ok to tell a flake that they are flakey and can't be relied upon imo, because whatever the reason for it, it's the truth. The evidence speaks for itself. I don't feel compelled to pretend they're not a time waster.

knobheadinlaws · 12/02/2023 07:49

What was her response when you told her last time?

I'd stop answering any form of contact and see if she makes more of an effort. If she doesn't, step away. No explanation needed.

Exeterrose · 12/02/2023 07:59

Just go grey rock and phase her out. One of my school friends sucked the joy out of everything.

I saw her in Tesco once. Just for 5 mins. DH, DC and I all felt very sad and depressed afterwards- she literally sucked the joy out of my entire family on a bright sunny Saturday.

If I had a headache, she had a migraine. Once I had a seizure and she claimed to have had a worse seizure the week before. (I have diagnosed epilepsy!)

It was verrry difficult.

Inkpotlover · 12/02/2023 08:02

How often does she text? Do you feel compelled to respond immediately?

Fraaahnces · 12/02/2023 08:05

Just tell her you have far too much going on in your own life at the moment and couldn’t possibly consider going away. Then stop responding to her so often. When you do, keep it short and disinterested. She’ll get bored and fuck off and bother someone else.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 12/02/2023 08:11

Flick the off switch.
If she asks for an explanation you can tell her that you'd already told her the things about the friendship that you were unhappy with previously and they haven't changed despite second chance so you've called it a day.
Don't feel bad. Some people just won't see anything but their own problems and you can't fix them, you'll break trying, it is SO much easier to drag someone down than haul someone up not only when but especially when they aren't even trying.

StripeyDeckchair · 12/02/2023 08:11

Call her out on it when she asks about the spa weekend

"Given that you've cancelled at the last minute 3 out of the last 4 times we'd agreed to meet up I'm not prepared to commit money and time to something you are going to cancel at the last minute."

Then, when she goes into why this will be different - I've told you why it's a No from me & I'm not going to change my mind please stop talking about this.

WinterFoxes · 12/02/2023 08:26

You have lots of choices

Drift apart by delaying replying or ignoring her messages. When you do reply, keep it too brief to feed her needs. She rants about her life, you send a sad face emoji etc. Sh emight get bored and find someone else to lean on.

Block her and avoid her - but she might turn up and rant at you or badmouth you.

Or have an honest conversation with her and say, sorry but I get nothing from this friendship. You moan at me, you cancel plans. I find it very draining so I want to take a break. You are perfectly entitled to break up with a friend as well as a lover.

Valentinesquestion · 12/02/2023 08:35

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Katyrosebug · 12/02/2023 08:35

I had a friend like this, there was a group of 4 of us that would meet up etc and there was always some excuse as to why she'd cancel, couldn't make it etc.. There was 1 time wee were due to go to her house in the garden (back when you couldn't be indoors during lockdown) I'd just moved countries so was back home and hadn't physically seen them for around 5 years, she decjded she wanted to book a bubble tent thing 30 mins away, told her we couldn't do that because of money and because a friend was driving a couple of hours already, heavily pregnant and needed to eat, I suggested having it at mine, all fine, but then she wanted to do it at a later time as she was still working (so she'd have been working when we got to her house then?) then she had her son and was it problem because of the dog, no ite wasn't. She used to do things like that all the time. I lost my shot at her in the group text when she did it yet again last Easter, we were due to go to a friends house for cake and coffee, she tried to get us to book a table and then the morning of cancelled. I'm just done with it and have no time for it. Thing like this happened all the time, would cost money, we'd change plans for her and it would be something we didn't want and then she'd cancel

Greenfairydust · 12/02/2023 08:41

I just phased out a friend because of something similar:

  • always late
  • cancels plans at the last minute or suggest meetings at the last minute
  • if she organises something it always turns out to be a mess, for example she invited me to an event without first checking that the event was actually running that month. An hour we were due to meet she texted me to say that the event wan't actually running that Saturday and could I instead come to her house for an evening in (she lives on the other side of town).

She has since tried to invite me to things like holiday abroad or meeting for dinner. I first responded that I could not make it, then I simply ignored her messages and have no intention of meeting her again.

I have a lot on my plate and limited energy at the moment and I just can't waste it on people who just stress to my life.

ittakes2 · 12/02/2023 08:41

please google inattentive adhd and see if that fits her - trouble with executive functioning skills so very disorganised and often running late or cancelling due to poor time management.

Ortegaa · 12/02/2023 09:23

I feel like I have just read this about my exact friend. But, although I know she's like this (I barely see her and she has cancelled last minute etc), I know how much shit she has going on in her life that I wonder some days how she carries on.

I love her dearly and she knows I am here whenever she can make it. If she has to cancel at the final hour I tell her its OK. I offer support wherever I can and treat her whenever I can and whenever she can make it (which is not often).

But only you know what the dynamic is like and whether it's a friendship worth saving, and how much you care about this friend.

user1471538283 · 12/02/2023 09:32

Knock it on the head. Do not respond to any more texts.

Friendship is not supposed to be depressing or stressful.

MatildaTheCat · 12/02/2023 09:38

ittakes2 · 12/02/2023 08:41

please google inattentive adhd and see if that fits her - trouble with executive functioning skills so very disorganised and often running late or cancelling due to poor time management.

But why should OP google this? Her DF maybe should but OP isn’t close to this person and doesn’t sound as if she’d like her all that much even if she was always prompt and reliable. They are different types.

I’d just phase her out and if she asks directly about the weekend just say plainly that if you had the time and budget you’d be going with your DH or whatever.

Look after yourself.

imaginationhasfailedme · 12/02/2023 09:42

Either
a) reply you can't do it/don't want to it due to risk of it being cancelled
b) ignore
c) tell her she can look into it and book it and you don't pay until it happens therefore taking the financial risk of it being cancelled (although it doesn't sound like you'd enjoy it, a full day of a captive ear!)