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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fed up of this ‘friendship’

48 replies

Itsmyturnnow1 · 12/02/2023 07:19

I have a ‘friend’, I use the term friend loosely because she isn’t really. We have been friends since school (our brothers were in the same class, so we became friends). She’s a friend who is really flaky and always cancels plans. She has some health issues and I’ve been there for her through a lot of her shit, but nothing ever changes. We drifted a while back, basically because I couldn’t be doing with the negativity she brought to my life so I just distanced myself and we didn’t speak at all. However we met again through a mutual friend one night out and she’s back again.

In the last two years I’ve probably seen her physically about four times, despite our children going to the same school and her living two roads away! She’s all talk, says she wants to make plans and then when it comes to it she cancels right before. She is always telling me she loves me and that I’m her best friend via text etc etc but to me, this is just a drain and nothing about it represents a friendship! My boyfriend thinks she’s manipulative and wants to hang on to the friendship.

She has had lots of issues in her life but never seems to get any help for them but wants someone to moan to. She definitely needs therapy. I have my own issues and don’t need someone moaning to me all the time. If we had a friendship as well and she offered something positive, I’d not mind the moaning so much!

The latest thing is her saying she wants to go away for the weekend, she suggested a spa weekend or one of those sushi making courses! Given I can’t get her to actually stick to meeting for a glass of wine or a dog walk (she recently got a sausage dog and I have one too), I’m not booking an elaborate weekend knowing she will cancel!

I just don’t know how to deal with this anymore! I have my own issues, a poorly mum, my own health issues and the other general issues life bring. I deal with them myself with therapy and exercise etc so I never put them on her but I’m finding her to be a massive drain!!

Any advice on how to deal with this? I actually told her last time we drifted that our friendship was too negative and demanding and not serving me, but nothing has changed! I don’t want to be rude but this is also pissing me off on a daily basis!!

OP posts:

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 12/02/2023 09:53

I would cut someone a lot of slack for being negative and struggling to keep plans if they were a good friend and I knew that all things being equal it wasn't their character it was just that they were dealing with some difficult things or whatever. I.e if they had brought me positive things as well in the past and were capable of mutual 2-way friendship.
But someone who had only ever drained you, so as far as you know this is not just circumstantial but their character and will never change then I wouldn't shackle myself to them as a friend.
I'd try to be kind where I could when our paths crossed (polite and friendly) but wouldn't be giving them time and energy which lets face it is sorely needed for more deserving/important areas of your life like a sick parent.

MichelleScarn · 12/02/2023 10:05

MatildaTheCat · 12/02/2023 09:38

But why should OP google this? Her DF maybe should but OP isn’t close to this person and doesn’t sound as if she’d like her all that much even if she was always prompt and reliable. They are different types.

I’d just phase her out and if she asks directly about the weekend just say plainly that if you had the time and budget you’d be going with your DH or whatever.

Look after yourself.

Show quote history

Agree, just wondering @Itsmyturnnow1 when you said about you booking something is that usually what happens? Do you then lose out financially? If you said to her to book and gave her a budget/date, would she?
And why on every post when someone wants a vent/advice on a bad friend/relationship/work situation about 2 posts in someone always has a go that the op hasn't done enough research into the other person's background and possible needs?!

Mariposista · 12/02/2023 10:12

StripeyDeckchair · 12/02/2023 08:11

Call her out on it when she asks about the spa weekend

"Given that you've cancelled at the last minute 3 out of the last 4 times we'd agreed to meet up I'm not prepared to commit money and time to something you are going to cancel at the last minute."

Then, when she goes into why this will be different - I've told you why it's a No from me & I'm not going to change my mind please stop talking about this.

This. Call the selfish, flaky shit out on her bad behaviour! Get her out of your life. Can't be dealing with people who are all about number 1.

Oblomov23 · 12/02/2023 10:19

Phase her out gently. Or/and just say : I can't take the risk of booking a weekend away because you often cancel on me.

Oblomov23 · 12/02/2023 10:21

Someone flakey who cancels on me regularly, even if it was just coffee at my house, (ie no cost), I wouldn't put up with. Because whilst no monetary cost, it Zaps you of emotional energy.

WandaWonder · 12/02/2023 10:25

ittakes2 · 12/02/2023 08:41

please google inattentive adhd and see if that fits her - trouble with executive functioning skills so very disorganised and often running late or cancelling due to poor time management.

It is not up to the op to do that

billy1966 · 12/02/2023 10:31

Beautiful3 · 12/02/2023 07:45

Just ignore messages, put them on mute. If you run into her, just say you've been busy. When she suggests a weekend/day away say, " no I can't I'm too busy, sorry."

This.

Ignore the messages and don't answer your phone.

You are too busy to go away. End of.

It really doesn't need to be difficult.

Fraaahnces · 12/02/2023 10:37

The other thing you can do to get rid of her is to turn the tables and start bombarding HER with needy demanding messages at all hours and cancelling on her. Bet she gets annoyed and loses her shit at you real quick.

JoonT · 12/02/2023 10:50

Use the slow fade technique. Just fade out of her life. Life is too short (and difficult) to put up with people who make you feel worse. I've always loved that line of William Morris: "have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." You could apply the same to friends: "have no one in your life who is not kind or loving or fun or uplifting."

Obviously you must stand by good people in bad times. If a friend is kind and loving, but has collapsed into depression, or developed cancer, or something, then you have a duty to stand by them. But we all know people who are whiny, selfish, self-pitying, miserable and draining. I have a friend who's a total narcissist. No matter what the conversation, she brings it back to herself. In fact, she's incapable of talking about anything for its own sake. Everything is just an opportunity to listen to her own voice. I am doing everything I can to get rid of this person, though it isn't easy (she lives nearby, we have mutual friends, etc).

daisychain01 · 12/02/2023 10:52

She's not going to be able to drag you kicking and screaming to a spa day or any other event, so just don't engage, you've made no commitment.

if it was me, I'd block her number, it's the only way she will get the message you don't want any contact with her. If you haven't seen her for years anyway, there'll be nothing she can do and she'll move on to someone else.

SwishSwipe · 12/02/2023 11:15

I tend to change my boundaries (only invite them to things that day that I'm doing anyway and don't fully commit to anything unless confirmed the same day 'let's just see how we are fixed on the day and see if they have any space/tickets left then') and see how that work out for a bit with people like this. I would reply something along the lines of:

'No thanks - not up for a spa weekend at the moment. I'm taking the dog for a walk at 2 pm - fancy joining me? It would be good to catch up!'

and if they do come on the dog walk have a few pre-planned conversation ideas (not about myself or other people) + a reason to be home by a certain time.

TheSnowyOwl · 12/02/2023 11:21

When she wants to arrange something just say no because she always cancelled so you aren’t arranging things in future. You’ve already said you hardly ever see her in person anymore, so just stop responding to her texts as well.

ThinWomansBrain · 12/02/2023 11:26

Block & drop

If she speaks to you again about the weekend, don't say you're too busy - remind her that she can't keep to arrangements for a glass of wine/evening out,, that's why you're not putting effort into planning a weekend away.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 12/02/2023 11:33

Phase her out, just stop answering texts and if do leave them short without an opportunity for her to go on at you. If she says she's upset or unwell just say "that's a shame hope your better soon." Short and simple closed answers.

I had a friend like this would suck everyone dry of their own happiness with their own misery and highly demanding.

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 12/02/2023 11:35

I think YABU for not dealing with her honestly.

Instead of ghosting her, be honest with her. Friendships change over time, 20 years ago, friendship was all offloading to your friend and counselling your friends, we evolved to understand that counselling is for actual counsellors, diagnosing is for doctors, psychoanalysis is for psychoanalysts. Maybe your friend hasn't got the memo??

Just explain why you find the friendship draining and enraging and tell her you need some time out. You don't have the head space for the type of friendship that she wants, you need to focus on your needs right now.

Porkyporkchop · 12/02/2023 11:40

Phase out or confront her. I had a friend like this, I text back “ why do you want to make plans when you always break them? You keep saying let’s go out but then it never happens”. Two months later, she was still no reply and we haven’t spoken since. It’s actually the perfect outcome really, I respectfully challenged and she showed her true colours - job done!

Original poster

Itsmyturnnow1 · 12/02/2023 12:30

I know I need to call her out on it but it feels like I did that before and it’s just how she is! I get she doesn’t physically feel well a lot of the time, but fine don’t make plans then! There’s no point in a friendship with someone I don’t physically see! I have been texting back a lot less lately and am quite blunt!

To the suggestion of a sushi making class thing I said ‘we barely meet for coffee so not sure I want to spend money on this!’ I feel I was blunt but truthful so will see what comes of it!!

OP posts:

MumOf2workOptions · 12/02/2023 20:28

@Itsmyturnnow1

Even tho she's suggested it if she won't even meet for a drink or dog walk it's unlikely to ever materialise

If SHE mentions it text back and say

"Sounds a lovely idea, let me know the details and the dates you have in mind and the treatments available, costs and what the lunch menu looks like and we can finalise details"

That doesn't sound like she'd ever get her arse into gear to do that and so just leave it to never happen and don't message her unless she does you and when she does, leave it at least a week saying "I've been so busy sorry it's taken me a while to reply" and try not to actually open the message - if she Wattsapp's you just archive her

You don't need this in your life x

Mimomamomoo78 · 12/02/2023 20:33

My advice is accept her for who she is and just have her as a text friend, and don't try make plans with her and if she offers try to decline some how!

StickofVeg · 12/02/2023 20:47

Just phase her out. Stop replying, do other stuff, if she suggests a spa weekend say "Sorry, lots going on at the moment so I can't commit to a date" and leave it. If she arranges a coffee date don't accept "Sorry I'm busy/not sure of schedule". If she gets a date out of you then cancel it - sounds like she does this to you anyway.

Sloth66 · 17/03/2023 10:39

She doesn’t bring anything to your life. I’ve just done this to a friend.
Sent a short - sorry I’m really busy atm, got lots of things on . Hope you’re ok, bye.

Oblomov23 · 17/03/2023 12:27

Phase her out. Tell her she is so flaky and always lets your down and you find that really difficult.

Mary46 · 17/03/2023 13:17

Yes phase it out op. I got sick of time wasters... I suit myself now. Dont make plans with her

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