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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find parent/ in law dynamic exhausting

33 replies

Castiron12 · 12/02/2023 05:57

Just that really!
Anyone else find themselves drained following the rare (ish) occasion of a get together? Particular if parents/ in laws are quite different.

I come from a working class background, proud of it but I feel perhaps I’m less judgemental of those who have grown up in more fortunate circumstances (such as DH) than my own parents are it seems.

In laws are much more middle class but still lovely and are only ever just being themselves - feel that in family gatherings etc instantly gets my parents (particular fathers) back up as though he has a real chip on his shoulder.

Hard to put my finger on but passive aggressive comments, judgment such as venue chosen for my FIL 70th
“Christ I bet this cost a bomb it’s all very bay window isn’t it”
..sometimes just want to shake them! it’s as if being around in-laws brings out some sort of competition that no one is partaking in but himself

AIBU to feel a bit drained by the reverse snobbery!

OP posts:
Gardenerboo · 12/02/2023 06:03

My parents and PiL don’t socialise. If they did it would without doubt be awkward. I would be tense!

Original poster
Castiron12 · 12/02/2023 06:05

Gardenerboo · 12/02/2023 06:03

My parents and PiL don’t socialise. If they did it would without doubt be awkward. I would be tense!

Mine are very different people but see eachother maybe 4 times a year mainly key family events. Not sure they’d ever have spent time together out of choice though had it not been for us!

OP posts:
GoodChat · 12/02/2023 06:25

The key to this is to avoid forcing them to each others social events!

nellytheelephantpackedhertrunk · 12/02/2023 06:29

Four times a year? Crikey. I’ve been with my husband well over a decade and our parents haven’t even met four times!!! Two possibly three in total I think.

Just tell your dad straight?

TulipsTwoLips · 12/02/2023 06:34

I can't comment on your parents as I don't know them, but yes I find reverse snobbery draining too. My MIL, though lovely in many other ways, makes these kind of comments about anyone she perceives as being in a different class to her. I think it's defense mechanism in case they are judging her, but it gives the conversation a nasty taste.

Original poster
Castiron12 · 12/02/2023 07:05

My PIL often invite my parents off their own back so not forcing them to any social events! We seldom arrange anything ourselves

OP posts:
SnoozyVanWinkle · 12/02/2023 07:09

I wouldn't enter into a discussion about it as he's trying to draw you in to agreeing with him and having a go at your in laws.

I'd say 'you don't have to go dad' and then something else like do you want a cup of tea or what do you think of the situation in Palestine.

Original poster
Castiron12 · 12/02/2023 07:11

nellytheelephantpackedhertrunk · 12/02/2023 06:29

Four times a year? Crikey. I’ve been with my husband well over a decade and our parents haven’t even met four times!!! Two possibly three in total I think.

Just tell your dad straight?

I do often bat it away or pass comment such as ‘don’t be so judgemental how would you like it’ etc
…but still draining

it is as PP said I think a bit of a defence mechanism… odd

OP posts:
Winniepoo · 12/02/2023 07:13

I hear you, my PIL always invite my parents to stuff, then my parents feel obliged to go then it's all awkward. They all hate each other but pretend not to. I don't understand why. Just don't invite them, don't go! 🤷

Original poster
Castiron12 · 12/02/2023 07:17

Winniepoo · 12/02/2023 07:13

I hear you, my PIL always invite my parents to stuff, then my parents feel obliged to go then it's all awkward. They all hate each other but pretend not to. I don't understand why. Just don't invite them, don't go! 🤷

Yes!

OP posts:
WineCap · 12/02/2023 07:17

We have the same set up but my WC parents end up feeling anxious and out of place more than anything. It isn't a comfortable experience and I'm glad it doesn't happen often.

GoodChat · 12/02/2023 07:18

Castiron12 · 12/02/2023 07:05

My PIL often invite my parents off their own back so not forcing them to any social events! We seldom arrange anything ourselves

Ask your parents why they bother accepting if their only reason for attending is to make things awkward

Original poster
Castiron12 · 12/02/2023 07:21

WineCap · 12/02/2023 07:17

We have the same set up but my WC parents end up feeling anxious and out of place more than anything. It isn't a comfortable experience and I'm glad it doesn't happen often.

Yes I must say I think this is more the role my mother takes (but has improved). Perhaps my father feels the same also but then his insecurity manifests in a more negative way

OP posts:
CrystalCoco · 12/02/2023 07:22

It's tricky but I'd just try to leave your Dad to say what he wants, we can't control what comes out of other people's mouths and we can choose how we react (or not react)

Often comments like his are designed to get a reaction so don't give him what he wants:

Dad: “Christ I bet this cost a bomb it’s all very bay window isn’t it”

You "Gorgeous isn't it and the menu looks lovely" or just silence, no response

It may feel cringe for you, but your PILs won't be judging you on what your Dad says (hopefully!)

TheaBrandt · 12/02/2023 07:29

Yes the whole thing is an utter cringe. My mother has the most incredible social skills so basically carries any meet up. In laws obviously struggle when spending time with us and my parents as we are everything they can’t stand. They came to us at Christmas and did their best but we are poles apart on pretty much everything.

MollyMillieMandy · 12/02/2023 07:43

"it's very Bay window" is a new one on me. I grew up very working class and we had, shock horror, a bay window!

My mother, her husband and my solidly middle class inlaws only ever met at the children's birthday parties and at ours if we hosted everyone for Christmas. They had zero in common but were grown up enough to be polite and friendly. Your father sounds like he has a massive chip on his shoulder. Tell him they don't have to accept any invitations if it's all to "Bay window" for him.

countrygirl99 · 12/02/2023 07:45

I hear you. We are both from working class backgrounds but get competitive successful children syndrome. Of course they can't exaggerate about us so we get to hear increasingly wild exaggerations about our brothers. We invited both sets one Christmas, never again. We retreated to the kitchen and asked each other if we had ever met these wildly successful and wealthy people that were being talked about.

TheaBrandt · 12/02/2023 07:47

Yes ours can rub along for Christmas or the odd afternoon. Fil is basically mute and rarely speaks. Mil voices opinions that we struggle with ( no point reading a book if it’s fiction / all Romanians are thieves etc) but we can limP along for 24 ours. Our older Dd now 16 gets on with them so that helps.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 12/02/2023 07:55

My siblings FIL and our dad are always on at each other about money. My dad is very competitive about, well, everything, and siblings FIL twigged this and says all sorts to wind him up. Doesn't help that the FIL is fairly wealthy and my parents think they are poor. They aren't, they just like to spend money.

It exhausts me all the moaning I hear from my dad about it!

bussteward · 12/02/2023 07:57

Sorry but “it’s all a bit bay window” is HILARIOUS and I would treat all similar remarks as if they were intended as such. What a turn of phrase!

I have no advice to offer; my in-laws and parents are VERY different and have never met and I see no need for them to ever meet.

Phineyj · 12/02/2023 07:58

Ours are quite different but the two dads like each other despite their different backgrounds, and the two mums, while not so keen, are polite, so they all get on pretty well when they occasionally meet (which they arrange! Not us!)

We have had awkwardness from BIL in the past though so I know what you mean.

Hoppinggreen · 12/02/2023 08:00

GoodChat · 12/02/2023 06:25

The key to this is to avoid forcing them to each others social events!

Absolutely
We stopped having whole family parties ages ago. They would all be civil but then phone either myself or DH (depending on whose parent it was) and list the slights and unacceptable behaviour from the other side of the family.

Phineyj · 12/02/2023 08:01

I meant to add -- what I found more exhausting was I was the only woman in the family who attempted to continue my career once I had a baby so I found the pushback on trying to have a more equal household the exhausting bit (aren't you LUCKY he cooks 😡).

Original poster
Castiron12 · 12/02/2023 08:01

Yes with regards to the Bay Window remark I think it is a turn of phrase as ironically my childhood home also had a bay window 😂

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 12/02/2023 08:06

Fil sits and is waited on. He is agog at Dh cooking “where do you learn to do that then?”. We are seen as hopelessly posh.

Dh is so different to them it is actually incredible. It blows all my nature / nurture views out of the window. He looks like them otherwise I would be sure there had been some sort of swap at birth. He far prefers my parents.

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