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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dealing with miserable poorly dh

42 replies

gwenstifado · 11/02/2023 23:03

Dh has been unwell for 3 days with a rotten sickness bug, don't get me wrong it's been grim. But he has been insufferable with it. Absolutely unable to help with anything at all, he's taken to the sofa with a blanket and a miserable look on his face and I've been left to do everything. Over the course of this illness I've had an exam, various commitments with dc and loads of housework which I've got on with and tried not to moan too much. But it does grate because when I'm unwell things are expected to carry on as normal. There is no option for me to take to my bed like he's done. And it's not the illness as such, I can see he's genuinely not well, it's more his attitude. So moody and woe is me.

He's 10 years older than me and I'm starting to worry this is my future. Cancelled plans, miserable weekends where I can't get any conversation or engagement because he's just so unwell.

I feel bad for saying this hence why im ranting on here and not giving him grief when he's unwell but is it just me who gets fed up with man flu and their apparently ability to just opt out of life and parenting when they're not well? Any tips on dealing with the patient would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 11/02/2023 23:04

Send him to the bedroom so at least you can pretend he is on a business trip and not have to see the pathetic heap

Cherrysoup · 11/02/2023 23:06

Send him to bed, why on earth is he spreading whatever he has by hogging the sofa?

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2023 23:08

The Man Flu strikes again. I'd be telling him to buck up and get on with it.

Original poster
gwenstifado · 11/02/2023 23:09

This is the other thing...I am trying to be careful with sharing blankets and towels etc. he doesn't think twice and just uses whatever is there. Our washer is currently on the blink and there is no end of second hand towels being passed around. He just doesn't think, he's far too unwell for that. And if I bring it up I get the 'oh can't you see I'm too poorly to think of that sort of thing' spiel. We will all end up with it at this rate.

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 11/02/2023 23:11

Regarding your stark look into your future, I think once he is recovered from this bout of unwellness you ought to talk to him very frankly about that.

I would tell him it’s not acceptable to you. And repeat. It might be acceptable to him, but it’s not acceptable to YOU.

And do less for him, starting now.

RealBecca · 11/02/2023 23:14

The real problem is that you (feel) like you cant normally do the same when you're ill.

The fact you have exams means he ought to have taken the kids while you studied and pulled his finger out for that as much as possible but the rest...well, hes ill. So you do more now and when you're ill he does more. In an equal relationship. Which makes me think that he is usually lazy and useless?

SamanthaCaine · 11/02/2023 23:20

But it does grate because when I'm unwell things are expected to carry on as normal.

This is what you need to address. There's nothing inherently wrong with being so ill that you can't do anything. Man or not. My OH and I had COVID recently and the house went to the dogs as neither of us could do a bloody thing. It was that bad for over a week.

Without knowing anything else, he needs to accept that he will need to step up when you're ill. Conversely you need to get proper bed rest if you're really ill too and not give in to being a martyr.

Getthefiregoing · 11/02/2023 23:29

As PP has said, there's nothing wrong with being so unwell you can't get things done. A few months ago I was desperately unwell with gastroenteritis. I was in bed for days (between desperate dashes to the toilet!)

My husband took over everything and saw to our toddler and I was a pathetic, useless lump of duvet for a few days.

When he caught it and I was better, I took over everything. We looked after each other.

I don't see what's wrong with being so unwell you can't do anything. It happens to us all. If you're soldiering on when you're too unwell then do something about that.

Look after yourself properly next time you're sick.

Onnabugeisha · 11/02/2023 23:31

when I'm unwell things are expected to carry on as normal. There is no option for me to take to my bed like he's done.

Damn expectations, take to your bed! Just do it.

Moopsi · 11/02/2023 23:32

Does he have on the dressing gown of doom and do the morose slipper shuffle? It's the dance of the man flu.

LightDrizzle · 11/02/2023 23:38

Yes, next time you are really ill, take to your bed and don’t emerge until feeling better.

Why is he on the sofa? If he’s that ill then he stays in bed, not hogging the sofa in the way of people who are not ill! Tell him to go to bed and away from the DC until he’s better.

TifT · 11/02/2023 23:44

You are right about when he gets older. They turn into right miserable bastards the older they get.

Spectre8 · 11/02/2023 23:50

Sorry but why martyr yourself when your ill, go to bed and recover. If things slide so what its not the end of the world it really isn't.

Also some ppl are just worse when they are ill. I am bit moody if I'm really ill, its better to leave me alone to rest.

HeadNorth · 11/02/2023 23:56

Yuck, what a turn off. You can’t help being ill, but it’s no excuse to be a total wet lettuce. I couldn’t be bothered with that dressing down of doom, man flu shite. My DH pf 30 years has never indulged in such nonsense- we are both stoic in the face of illness. If he is really poorly he takes to his bed for the minimum time (as do I) which makes it easy to be kind as he doesn’t milk it. Being male is no excuse for being a needy winger.

thaegumathteth · 12/02/2023 00:00

I'm mainly confused why he's not staying out the way when he has a stomach bug tbh. I wouldn't want him doing stuff.

That being said next time you're really unwell you'll need to just go to bed too. He can't have it both ways.

Spectre8 · 12/02/2023 00:16

I do find it quite silly that people feel the need to be stoic when ill. Your ill, your body needs rest to recover. There is no point carrying on and sucking it up unless what you need to do is caring for a child cos ur single parent or those type of circumstances.

Also no point having some artifical time frame on it like only stay in bed for one day. Just do what your body needs to be able to recover quickly and rest as long as you can.

Carlycat · 12/02/2023 01:17

And mumsnetters wonder why I'm a smug singleton ...

Onnabugeisha · 12/02/2023 07:12

Spectre8 · 12/02/2023 00:16

I do find it quite silly that people feel the need to be stoic when ill. Your ill, your body needs rest to recover. There is no point carrying on and sucking it up unless what you need to do is caring for a child cos ur single parent or those type of circumstances.

Also no point having some artifical time frame on it like only stay in bed for one day. Just do what your body needs to be able to recover quickly and rest as long as you can.

Same here. We are big on listen to your body. DH was in bed all afternoon yesterday due to a migraine. I didn’t mind one bit even though I’m not well either….my issue was manageable, whereas a migraine is not.

Shoxfordian · 12/02/2023 07:16

The real issue is that you can’t do the same or feel you shouldn’t do the same when you’re sick

Sounds like you’re used to doing the majority of the housework as well

Fairyliz · 12/02/2023 07:16

TifT · 11/02/2023 23:44

You are right about when he gets older. They turn into right miserable bastards the older they get.

Yes I’m afraid to say I have to agree with this.
The only advantage is that your kids will be grown up and you can get out of the house and leave them to it.

pictoosh · 12/02/2023 07:17

Spectre8 · 12/02/2023 00:16

I do find it quite silly that people feel the need to be stoic when ill. Your ill, your body needs rest to recover. There is no point carrying on and sucking it up unless what you need to do is caring for a child cos ur single parent or those type of circumstances.

Also no point having some artifical time frame on it like only stay in bed for one day. Just do what your body needs to be able to recover quickly and rest as long as you can.

I agree with others...the issue is not him being ill but why YOU don't take to the sofa or bed when YOU are. Why is that? I'm not criticising you I'm just curious.

A rotten sickness bug is not something I would be stoic through. My husband certainly wouldn't expect me to be.

Original poster
gwenstifado · 12/02/2023 07:45

Because I can't. We have young dc. Who will look after them if I'm unwell and he's out at work etc? The housework I can let slide but caring for dc isn't optional. And I suppose because I'm younger and because I've always done it he just seems to think I cope better than him or simply don't get poorly enough to warrant opting out of life like he does.

OP posts:
CatchHimDerry · 12/02/2023 07:52

Moopsi · 11/02/2023 23:32

Does he have on the dressing gown of doom and do the morose slipper shuffle? It's the dance of the man flu.

I thought this was just mine! 😂 spot on description

It drives me up the wall, I’m like the OP and with a BF baby had to just get on with it

CatchHimDerry · 12/02/2023 07:54

Having said that, sickness bug is the one thing I will admit floors us all when we get it and I DREAD it with a passion. Absolute pits

So some sympathy would be given at least

Munches · 12/02/2023 07:59

Cherrysoup · 11/02/2023 23:06

Send him to bed, why on earth is he spreading whatever he has by hogging the sofa?

That was my initial thought…

You’ll be lucky if you don’t all get it at this rate.

Why on earth is he not confined to a separate room… windows open and not sharing his germs.

I am emetephobic and this would be an absolute nightmare for me. The house would be bleached to within an inch of its life , every window would be open and to be honest I would have likely moved out for the duration.
But before people jump on me I know I have an illness and I am aware that is an extreme reaction.

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