Dealing with miserable poorly dh

[gwenstifado]

Dh has been unwell for 3 days with a rotten sickness bug, don't get me wrong it's been grim. But he has been insufferable with it. Absolutely unable to help with anything at all, he's taken to the sofa with a blanket and a miserable look on his face and I've been left to do everything. Over the course of this illness I've had an exam, various commitments with dc and loads of housework which I've got on with and tried not to moan too much. But it does grate because when I'm unwell things are expected to carry on as normal. There is no option for me to take to my bed like he's done. And it's not the illness as such, I can see he's genuinely not well, it's more his attitude. So moody and woe is me.

He's 10 years older than me and I'm starting to worry this is my future. Cancelled plans, miserable weekends where I can't get any conversation or engagement because he's just so unwell.

I feel bad for saying this hence why im ranting on here and not giving him grief when he's unwell but is it just me who gets fed up with man flu and their apparently ability to just opt out of life and parenting when they're not well? Any tips on dealing with the patient would be much appreciated.

Yep we've all been that parent I think. Do you not just hand straight over to him when he gets in though? "Right, I'm fucked and off to bed."
Or does he refuse the reins?

Idk what is with all the Mumsnet women complaining about “man flu” and “dressing gown of doom” etc - if he’s feeling poorly why not
recover in bed or wherever if you can?
Women should do it to - I do! Get him or your kids to cater to you when your I’ll.

It’s not medieval peasant times any more folks, you don’t need to go out and drag the plough until you drop dead of illlness.

Honestly these threads about men being sick seem to trigger something in some women, as though the idea of male weakness or men taking it easy and being a little lazy when sick (oh no) produces a visceral reaction of disgust for some women.
Also one complaint is often that it’s “unattractive”.
It’s weird to me that you think your man should be putting on a hard front to appear attractive to you when he feel shit.

When you have an awful sickness bug you do the absolute bare minimum. That's what he's doing. If you're caring for the children full time and you get it you stick films on, get him to make lunches before he goes to work and he makes tea and does bedtime etc.

When we all had covid, DH and 2 adult DS’s went to bed and stayed there for 2 days. I was ill also, but still made simple food, walked and looked after dog, arranged food deliveries, gave out medication and endless cups of tea, water. On day 3 lunchtime football was on the tv, surprise, surprise they were all well enough to get up and watch it. I went to bed and stayed there for 24 hours. I think as mothers we can go the extra distance looking after DC when we aren’t feeling great. The only times I couldn’t look after my DC was when I had migraines and once when I had food poisoning, DH had to take over as I was really in a bad way. Hope your DH starts feeling better soon.

Sadly I think this is correct

Sadly that's the problem right there. You've always done it and so you've set your stall out. I'm not having a pop but you've then backed yourself into a corner by saying things like, "I don't have any option". That's the biggest killer of self empowerment, taking away your options/choices.

My OH would take time off work if I were so ill I couldn't cope. That's what paid leave is for. Not ideal but any reasonable parent or partner would step in and parent their children whilst actually caring for their wife/partner. Presumably he can take time off work when ill, so he can take time off when you're ill too.

You're right that caring for children isn't optional (to some extent) but it's a shared responsibility.

If I were struggling to the point where I couldn't physically cope or care for the dc then yes he would take time off and help. Thankfully that rarely happens (touch wood!)
But I do try and soldier on because I want to be able to look after my dc. I don't want to be bed bound. He almost seems to jump at the opportunity to check out. And as I said in my op, it's not him being unwell that's the issue. He's been vomiting for going into 4 days now so I'm actually quite concerned. It's more his overall attitude to being unwell like everyone else has to suffer too. And although this time he really is poorly, there have been many times where he's gone into this morose, dressing gown of doom state when there's not a great deal wrong with him.

Nothing wrong with him being ill and needing to rest. You want him up doing housework and looking after kids when he is ill?

Surely he's physically incapable of looking after the children at the moment, though?

It's selfish and miserable to (a) expect everyone else to have to suffer too for days; and to spread whatever it is around the house and family.

Not at all. Have you actually read the post? I don't expect him to be jumping for joy but his attitude isn't doing us or him any good either.

Yeah I fully read the post, all I got from it was that you're annoyed he's checked out for a few days.

Oh OP! You have my sympathies.
DH is ill too and I am annoyed at both him and myself.
Myself because he is allowed to be ill and like you I somehow carry on when I am ill which I should not ( no medal foe being a martyr)
And annoyed at him because he will never be sick for work or any of his hobbies. It's always the weekend and school holidays.
Just having a grumpy day...

Maybe he is on the sofa because he feels like he has to constantly prove how ill he is for you to accept him not soldiering on like you do. I’d be sending him to bed in your shoes.

Id also be taking myself to bed when ill. It’s actually a healthy mindset to give yourself permission to rest when you need it without having to prove you are super duper vomiting non stop languishing in plain sight on the sofa.

Sorry op, it’s hard being left to do all the work, and if your dh had a cold or a mild headache I would agree with you, but if he’s been vomiting for four days he must feel awful and I think YABU. Sounds as if he needs to see a doctor.

I would isolate him in the spare room though and tell him not to spread germs around! Then at least you can get on, have some space, parent your way, eat what you want and and check in him from time to time.

You sound quite annoying. If I was ill and my partner was judging me like this I'd lock myself away in another room til I was well again.

Thankfully, when I'm sick he doesn't see me as some kind of nuisance.

He's sick. Look after each other when the other one is sick and stop being a martyr.