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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I end the friendship?

40 replies

airey · 11/02/2023 19:25

Sorry, it's a bit long! I have an old family friend, Joanne (friends for 20 years, she's ten years older than me). She was friends with my Mum first, and then through circumstance we became close, although she's still close with my Mum too (calls her a 'second Mum')

Joanne and I train dogs, she has helped me a lot with my training and in return I do favours for her, like looking after her dog when she goes on holiday.

A few months ago, we had a falling out. I had agreed to look after her dog for a few months while she changed jobs and moved house, but too late I realised it wasn't going to work for me at all. The dog was noisy, and got in the way of my life in lots of ways.

I was quite stressed at the time for lots of reasons, I also have 2 little DC's and don't get much sleep! When I told Joanne she needed to take the dog back she was very hurt and let me know it. To be fair to her, she had asked me a few times before if I was sure this situation was going to be ok, and i had said it definitely was. I wish I had been more honest with myself and with Joanne and never taken the dog in the first place.

I apologised profusely many times, but we had two big arguments - very unlike us, we've never openly disagreed on anything before.

I managed to stay mostly composed but she said some very, very hurtful things. Like I'm over-privileged and selfish. She really became the victim, and acted like I was being deliberately cruel. I suspect she now regrets saying it... but the words can't be unsaid. I feel like I've seen the real Joanne, and how she judges me.

It's made me review our friendship and see that in many ways it was one of convenience. I don't want to be friends anymore, but she's really close with my Mum, and we have the dog training commitments together...

Do I make a bold move and manage her out of my life somehow? (YANBU)

Or do I wait and see, the friendship might be worth saving? (YABU)

Any advice on ending/not ending friendships welcomed!

Please be kind, I know it sounds daft, but it's eating me up!

OP posts:
AutumnScream · 11/02/2023 19:28

Bit rich that you want to end a friendship when you are the one entirely in the wrong.

Animals arent disposable. She gave you multiple opportunities to refuse the dog only for you to throw it back at her.

JudgeRudy · 11/02/2023 19:36

It's hard for us to judge without knowing what was said so let's go on feelings/emotions.
She knew it was a big ask. She questioned whether you understood what you were letting hourself in for. You promised you could commit. She went ahead and organised the move and now you throw a curve ball. You've let her down, you've, broken your promise. The reasons you're giving are likely predictable. You've done this at an extremely stressful time. She's hurt and angry!

You were doing your friend a favour. A big one. You tried your best but its too much. You've explained why you can't do this any longer and you're friend has lost her rag. It's her dog and her problem. You understand she's disappointed but she's said some nasty things. You're hurt and angry!

2 previously good friends hurt and angry. One is in the middle of a move (and organising animal care) and very stressed.
Wait a few weeks and offer an olive branch.

lornmower · 11/02/2023 19:37

Yes I agree that you should've thought more before agreeing to take the dog on in the first place but - deed is done now and from what you've said you definitely want to end the friendship so do it !

lornmower · 11/02/2023 19:38

Just to reiterate - you've actually blatantly said 'I don't want to be friends anymore' in your opening post so yes I'd end it

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 11/02/2023 19:40

End what friendship? I suggest you sit tight and don’t hold your breath, the friendship is gone. I would be surprised if she ever contacts you again, I suppose you changing your mind after she asked you so many times is either going to cost her the job, a lot of money in dog walking or even having to rehome the dog. No wonder she is furious, really.

FourAndTwentyBlackbirdsBakedInAPie · 11/02/2023 19:43

She has every right to be angry.

You were flaky, and have left her in an awful position.

It sounds like she has highlighted some home truths after you let her down and you can't really deal with it.

For that reason I would end the friendship, although she probably already has.

Hydie · 11/02/2023 19:43

I cabt see that you've done anything wrong if you had the dog and then it wasn't working! Are you supposed to put your life on hold for someone else's dog when it's not working! Just because you offered the favour doesn't mean it's guaranteed to work.

EmmaDilemma5 · 11/02/2023 19:45

Aren't most friendships that of convenience?

YABU. She was hurt and presumably left in a difficult situation. She lost her cool and said things are didn't mean.
I would try to move on, good friends are hard to find.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 11/02/2023 19:46

I think she will probably ditch you since you've let her down so badly. And she is the victim, she didn't make herself one.

Have a good think about the things she said, perhaps some are truer than you would like to admit.

Marinegreen87 · 11/02/2023 19:48

I feel like this is a reverse??

JudgeRudy · 11/02/2023 19:50

lornmower · 11/02/2023 19:38

Just to reiterate - you've actually blatantly said 'I don't want to be friends anymore' in your opening post so yes I'd end it

Yes she has but I suspect she's in shock. So shocked, affronted, angered, hurt.....probably at the 'licking wounds' stage...so it could change when she's had time to let the emotions settle

Notaboutyouthistime · 11/02/2023 19:53

Imo people who call your mum a second mum often carry underlying resentment because they want your mum and think you don't know how good you have it.

RichardHeed · 11/02/2023 19:53

How long did you agree to have the dog for, and how long did you actually agree to?

RichardHeed · 11/02/2023 19:54

Sorry, 2nd Q should be how long did you actually have the dog in your care for?

MissingNightshades · 11/02/2023 19:54

I'm just confused that you seemed surprised a dog could be noisy and take up your time.
Maybe a change of career might be an idea?

SkyIsTheLimits · 11/02/2023 19:55

I feel like this is “the straw that broke the camels back” situation, like resentment has been building for some reason. You did let her down & maybe she felt she’d done a lot for you so felt you owed it her. But we’d need more info. How viscous was she? What did she say to you?

GlassBunion · 11/02/2023 19:58

By all means , offer the olive branch, but the close friendship is broken.

I'd sit back and lick your wounds.

Original poster
airey · 11/02/2023 20:07

RichardHeed · 11/02/2023 19:54

Sorry, 2nd Q should be how long did you actually have the dog in your care for?

I agreed to have the dog for 4 months but realised I couldn’t keep it after 5 weeks. After that though I kept it for another month.

I fed the dog for several weeks on our food too (premium stuff and he’s a big dog!) so she saved quite a bit, I insisted she shouldn’t pay me for it because I felt bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
airey · 11/02/2023 20:08

Marinegreen87 · 11/02/2023 19:48

I feel like this is a reverse??

I’ve always wanted to know what this means!! What’s a reverse? forgive my MN ignorance :)

OP posts:
Original poster
airey · 11/02/2023 20:11

FourAndTwentyBlackbirdsBakedInAPie · 11/02/2023 19:43

She has every right to be angry.

You were flaky, and have left her in an awful position.

It sounds like she has highlighted some home truths after you let her down and you can't really deal with it.

For that reason I would end the friendship, although she probably already has.

We met up with my mum for Sunday lunch a few weeks ago, that went fine. All very ‘back to normal’.

She’s messaged since and wants to come to see me, but I have a fear she’s going to ask another favour. I just don’t really want to see her.

This might be irrational, but I do wonder if one of my concerns about the friendship is she’s good at getting what she wants, in a quiet way? I’m not good at saying no, as you’ve probably realised from my post!

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 11/02/2023 20:12

So she made plans, checked with you multiple times then 5 weeks in you then changed your mind even though your trained dogs and knew about dogs.
She was probably right about what she said, Id take it on the chin and have a look at myself

lornmower · 11/02/2023 20:13

OP I'm hopeless at saying no - I find it incredibly difficult - perennial people pleaser - so - I hear ya

Sometimeswinning · 11/02/2023 20:18

It didn't work out. It was a massive ask. You shouldn't have insisted on feeding her dog and she shouldn't have accepted.

It sounds like things can go back to normal if you want. If you keep saying yes though that's on you.

MysteryBelle · 11/02/2023 20:29

I think she uses you and the one time you felt the effects of that and said no, she went off on you and you found out what she really thinks of you. Drop her. Do whatever you have to do to disentangle yourself from her. Be aware that she will try to turn your mother against you. That’s what manipulators do when someone no long does their bidding. You got along great all that time because you did whatever she said. Then you stepped out of line. Her vicious words should tell you what to do about the situation.

TiaI · 11/02/2023 20:35

I think you should meet her. You both behaved badly, you letting her down and her over reacting. Maybe you could just call it water under the bridge and move on having both learned a big lesson. Personally I would give the friendship another go, although it could take a few months for you to feel less upset about things.

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