Do I end the friendship?

[airey]

Sorry, it's a bit long! I have an old family friend, Joanne (friends for 20 years, she's ten years older than me). She was friends with my Mum first, and then through circumstance we became close, although she's still close with my Mum too (calls her a 'second Mum')

Joanne and I train dogs, she has helped me a lot with my training and in return I do favours for her, like looking after her dog when she goes on holiday.

A few months ago, we had a falling out. I had agreed to look after her dog for a few months while she changed jobs and moved house, but too late I realised it wasn't going to work for me at all. The dog was noisy, and got in the way of my life in lots of ways.

I was quite stressed at the time for lots of reasons, I also have 2 little DC's and don't get much sleep! When I told Joanne she needed to take the dog back she was very hurt and let me know it. To be fair to her, she had asked me a few times before if I was sure this situation was going to be ok, and i had said it definitely was. I wish I had been more honest with myself and with Joanne and never taken the dog in the first place.

I apologised profusely many times, but we had two big arguments - very unlike us, we've never openly disagreed on anything before.

I managed to stay mostly composed but she said some very, very hurtful things. Like I'm over-privileged and selfish. She really became the victim, and acted like I was being deliberately cruel. I suspect she now regrets saying it... but the words can't be unsaid. I feel like I've seen the real Joanne, and how she judges me.

It's made me review our friendship and see that in many ways it was one of convenience. I don't want to be friends anymore, but she's really close with my Mum, and we have the dog training commitments together...

Do I make a bold move and manage her out of my life somehow? (YANBU)

Or do I wait and see, the friendship might be worth saving? (YABU)

Any advice on ending/not ending friendships welcomed!

Please be kind, I know it sounds daft, but it's eating me up!

You made a mistake with the dog but you gave it plenty of time and you were honest about it. That's really irritating at worst but does not excuse a tirade of personal abuse.

Additionally why did she need to offload her dog for so long just to move and change jobs? What was her plan if you couldn't do it? Five weeks is a big favour on its own!

I think if she hasn't apologised for what she said you're quite within your rights to fuck her off. But you at least need to tell her she didn't need to be so personal about it. That might make you feel less angry with her anyway.

I've never understood this Mumsnet urge to "break up" with a friend as you would a romantic relationship.
Look, you've both been shitty with each other. You let her down despite your promise but she's reacted with some really unpleasant comments.
The friendship may naturally be over now but why not just be polite and pleasant when your paths cross, let the friendship take a back seat for a while and see what happens next.
You're both clearly having a difficult, stressful time just now. You might feel able to forgive each other further down the track...or you might not.

in regards to getting what she wants, you can be equally as nice but totally immovable at the same time. You just need to be very firm in your own boundaries.

I agree that you felt the effects the first time you've really said no. It's not surprising that you don't want to be in this position again.

I don't want to be friends anymore, but she's really close with my Mum, and we have dog training commitments together...
I think she wants to ask a favour and I don't want to do that.

Do you usually find it hard to say no to her.... Do you feel she asks too much?

You said she was "vicious" It sounds like this friendship is transactional and you are finding it more of a burden than a pleasure. You could remain polite and civil to keep the training commitments - but treat it as more of a cooler work relationship than a friendship. And learn to say "I'm sorry that doesn't work for me." more often.
You don't have to do what ever she asks just to be "nice" and a "Good friend" if you don't want to.
You don't have to be best mates just because she's friends with your Mum. (What does Mum think BTW?) . You have two DC and a busy life by the sounds of it, she's not your boss and you are not her employee. You are someone who has helped her out a lot in the past, but your own life priorities come first.

I think she has already ended the friendship so you have nothing to worry about.

I think 2 1/2 months is a long time to look after someone else's dog when you have your own kids, and you gave it a good go before admitting defeat. I think it's fine to say change your mind after months, I thought you were going to say you gave it back after a few days!

The fact you think she's being nice again but you are suspicious she needs another favour tells me that this isn't a balanced friendship- it seems to be more about trading training for holidays, I would not do any more holidays and I suggest you don't use her for free for training so as not to muddy the water.

I would stay polite and upbeat if you see her as your mum is also involved, but you don't need to hang out beyond that I don't think. I don't think you've let her down nearly as badly as other posters have suggested, most people would take a dog for a week or two for someone's holidays, not months on end for free without even dog food being paid for.

Tricky...it might end on its own anyway. You were obviously in the wrong and have said so.

Her calling you names and making comments about your character is a bit unhinged though. Sorry, it just is. I know the "tell it like it is" people will say she's right to say it, but most people don't go around telling people they're over privileged etc when they back out of doing a favour. It's odd

I understand that you let her down, but honestly in her shoes I would’ve thanked you for the two months and said I absolutely understood what a huge ask it was. Then I would’ve put my dog elsewhere and moved on. There’s no way I would’ve gone off on you and been insulting after you’d done me a two month favor already, especially if I had suspected from the start (as she clearly did) that it might be a bit much to ask a friend with small children to have my dog for four months for free. Sure, it’s unfortunate that things didn’t work out with the dog, but insulting you over it is a bit much. These things happen, and while it’s okay to be annoyed it should be handled respectfully by both sides.

I would think that her losing her cool with you created some space between you both, so I would respect that. But it’s completely up to you. If it’s out of character for her and you value the friendship, you might want to chalk it up to stress from the move, wait awhile and then reach out to her to see how things are going. If she reacts well, carry on. If not, there you go. But if you’re uncomfortable with the situation, it’s equally fine not to pursue things further. Up to you really.

Sorry, she asked you to look after her dog for four months whilst she moved house and changed jobs? Why so long? Moving house takes a day, and why for changing jobs? Did it involve a lot of travel?

Rather than ending the friendship, just tone it down. Stick to the dog training commitments and meet-ups with your mum. Be civil and friendly. It’ll be a shame to totally write off this friendship after all this time.

I think she should be ending the friendship!!!!!

This ^

Thank you mediumbrownmug and whatIwasgoingtosay. Smart words.

I think I'm going to let the friendship fade for a while and see where that leave us.

I've taken on everyone's point about being better at saying No to favour requests; you're right, it's on me. No more people pleasing fakery.

She seems to want to go back to how things were, but I don't want to. I'm realising that some aspects of our friendship were toxic; It's interesting to me - why couldn't I just have said no in the first place? She knew it was a big ask but then acted all surprised and hurt when it didn't work out. I don't think I would have behaved the same way if it was the other way round.

Everyone's contribution, even the harsh ones, has been helpful, so thanks for that 😊

I still don't know what a reverse is though... will have to google it!

These posts.

4 months was a huge ask by anyone.

Fade her out.

Her annoyance is absolutely no excuse for her viciousness.

Suit yourself 100%, but she wouldn't be someone I would trust ever again.

A reverse is when someone starts a thread but gives the other persons side of the story to find out views on it.

If someone really upset a friend and wanted to know if they were in the wrong they would post from that persons point of view.

Hope that helps.

Thank you, yes it does :)

A reverse is when you pretend to be the other person (your friend) and ask who is being unreasonable to guage responses (and usually find vindication in your actions).