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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband and weird phone behaviour

61 replies

Karoliine · 11/02/2023 18:24

My husband has always been hiding his phone from me. Couple of times I have checked it and first time I found out he had cheated on me, and second time I found his profile on sex site. This is why I hate him hiding his phone and I always feel something weird is going on.
I have suggested we both keep our phones open for each other to check and won’t hide phones from each other but this makes him furious.

Anyway, today he asked me to come and see a message his lady friend from work had sent to his phone (not a work phone). The message was about his salary issue, some unpaid salary he will be getting soon, with some smileys added. He only wanted me to see this message and the amount mentioned.

So as he asked me to come and see the message, I was like ok, let me see it. And his reply was that I should read it while he holds the phone, because the whole conversation is not meant for me to read. Honestly it hadn’t even crossed my mind to read more than what he asked me to read. He said the conversation is “secret.”
Am I being unreasonable because this made me suspicious. What is it that he is chatting with this lady (during the weekend) that I should not see? Also his job is nothing secretive or serious and any serious work related conversations should be on his work phone anyways, if I’m correct.

Ofcourse he got angry when I told him how weird the whole thing sounds to me. He shows me one sentence from the conversation and tells me the rest of it is secret and I should not touch his phone. Then why does he even show me any messages in the first place ?

I have noticed his phone behaviour is beginning to make me crazy. He has never apologised the things I have seen on his phone before and still keeps hiding it. And calls me crazy because I find it hard to trust him. Maybe breaking up is the only option because I have a feeling he is not being honest with me and has a secret life online.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 11/02/2023 18:49

He's a dick.

hourbyhour101 · 11/02/2023 18:53

You know it's his behaviour that's more troubling.

I don't know what he's up to but he's up to something. And unless you think he's about to propose - I would chuck this fish back in the water. There's something wrong with it

rothbury · 11/02/2023 18:53

Why on earth did you stay with such a sleazy pig?

No need to go all Miss Marple, just dump him.

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 11/02/2023 18:54

Couple of times I have checked it and first time I found out he had cheated on me, and second time I found his profile on sex site.

Didn't really need to read the rest.

WeAreAllLionesses · 11/02/2023 18:54

It's like he's taunting you - you can see this much but no more...how very weird.

Spectre8 · 11/02/2023 18:55

To be honest I find it odd you both have to have your phones open so if you want to check em you can. Wtf. That isn't a healthy relationship of trust.

And after his previous transgressions why r u still with him. Bizarre

OurChristmasMiracle · 11/02/2023 18:55

He’s at best insensitive to your feelings and lacks understanding of how his actions have impacted you and at worst he is abusing you.

Ludo19 · 11/02/2023 18:55

So he's already cheated and been on a sex website? For hook ups? You're asking if HE'S being unreasonable? YOU'RE being unreasonable for staying with a sleazy adulterer.

GoodChat · 11/02/2023 18:56

He wants you to think he's cheating again because he knows you'll put up with it.

DashboardConfessional · 11/02/2023 18:57

Erm. Why would you stay with someone who you only trust to not cheat on you because he knows you're checking his phone?

Emmamoo89 · 11/02/2023 18:58

He's an arse

DontLikeMenthols · 11/02/2023 18:58

I mean, he’s a cheat. You know he’s a cheat, what are you expecting from this thread? He’s a loser, divorce him.

HystericalAndUseless · 11/02/2023 19:02

Why are you still giving this guy more chances? Walk away! If I'm reading your post correctly, the first time you checked his phone you found out he cheated - and you gave him another chance. Then the second time you looked you saw he was on a sex site (so basically he was actively looking for women to cheat on you with). But you still didn't ditch him. And now he's behaving suspiciously again - obviously you're going to suspect the worst. He can't just expect you to take his word for it when he's cheated in the past.

That said, no healthy relationship involves checking one another's phones. If you have to keep checking his messages to reassure yourself he isn't cheating, you shouldn't be with him.

Even if you could check his phone whenever you wanted, he could still cheat IRL with people and not text them, or get a burner phone, or delete messages as soon as he gets them. Ultimately, you can't trust this guy. You've given him a chance to earn it back and he's blown it! Enough is enough surely?

NewUserName2023 · 11/02/2023 19:04

Why are you still with him. Line up your paperwork and kick him out. Maybe his female"lady friend" can have him!

GoldDuster · 11/02/2023 19:06

You've got the feeling he's not being honest with you?

I think that you've got more than a feeling, you know that he has cheated and you know that he has a profile on a sex site.

What more would you like? You find it hard to trust him because he has shown himself repeatedly to be untrustworthy. There's nothing left to work out.

Christmaspyjamas · 11/02/2023 19:06

You know what he's like and you know why you can't see his phone.

Stay with him or leave but don't stay and that act wounded and mystified as to what's going on when it's clear.

Karoliine · 11/02/2023 19:07

He is good at making me feel that I am the one here who is crazy, jealous and all that. He never said sorry for cheating or joining those sites and never really tried to understand how I felt. Instead he blamed me. So maybe he has brainwashed me and ruined my self worth. I’m really lost and just had to open up somewhere..

OP posts:
Nutrigrainygoodness · 11/02/2023 19:08

Why are you still with him?
I couldn't live with having to think about checking DWs phone! It's not a healthy way to live.

MsVestibule · 11/02/2023 19:08

Well, he certainly likes to keep you on your toes, doesn't he? He could have easily just said 'ooh, so and so from work has texted, I'm going to get £x back pay', but no, he deliberately made you suspicious by saying 'look at my phone, NO, NOT THAT BIT'.

Seriously, he's already cheated twice (that you know of), just leave him.

Sunshineguy · 11/02/2023 19:09

Trash belongs in the bin. He's gaslighting you. Get rid.

EmmaDilemma5 · 11/02/2023 19:10

You're with a cheater, it isn't going to change.

Zola1 · 11/02/2023 19:12

Hes purposely doing this to get a rise from you I think.

However...different situation but a friend of mine, her partner is allowed to check her phone for something specific, but he tends to wander off and read her messages with friends and family etc. Do you do things like that?

mtc2206 · 11/02/2023 19:12

He’s gaslighting and emotionally manipulating you. He clearly has no respect for you or your relationship. You should break up with him.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 11/02/2023 19:14

He’s done a number on you, mate. He’s a weapons grade loser and you need to leave him today.

Blablablanamechangagain · 11/02/2023 19:14

I mean, he might as well let you see whatever sleazy shit he's up to. Cause you won't leave him.

Please have a little self respect and raise your standards. You can do a million times better.