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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband and weird phone behaviour

61 replies

Karoliine · 11/02/2023 18:24

My husband has always been hiding his phone from me. Couple of times I have checked it and first time I found out he had cheated on me, and second time I found his profile on sex site. This is why I hate him hiding his phone and I always feel something weird is going on.
I have suggested we both keep our phones open for each other to check and won’t hide phones from each other but this makes him furious.

Anyway, today he asked me to come and see a message his lady friend from work had sent to his phone (not a work phone). The message was about his salary issue, some unpaid salary he will be getting soon, with some smileys added. He only wanted me to see this message and the amount mentioned.

So as he asked me to come and see the message, I was like ok, let me see it. And his reply was that I should read it while he holds the phone, because the whole conversation is not meant for me to read. Honestly it hadn’t even crossed my mind to read more than what he asked me to read. He said the conversation is “secret.”
Am I being unreasonable because this made me suspicious. What is it that he is chatting with this lady (during the weekend) that I should not see? Also his job is nothing secretive or serious and any serious work related conversations should be on his work phone anyways, if I’m correct.

Ofcourse he got angry when I told him how weird the whole thing sounds to me. He shows me one sentence from the conversation and tells me the rest of it is secret and I should not touch his phone. Then why does he even show me any messages in the first place ?

I have noticed his phone behaviour is beginning to make me crazy. He has never apologised the things I have seen on his phone before and still keeps hiding it. And calls me crazy because I find it hard to trust him. Maybe breaking up is the only option because I have a feeling he is not being honest with me and has a secret life online.

OP posts:
Christmaspyjamas · 11/02/2023 19:18

Karoliine · 11/02/2023 19:07

He is good at making me feel that I am the one here who is crazy, jealous and all that. He never said sorry for cheating or joining those sites and never really tried to understand how I felt. Instead he blamed me. So maybe he has brainwashed me and ruined my self worth. I’m really lost and just had to open up somewhere..

OK but just know that that isn't true.

You need to leave him because when you didn't leave before he just learned he can get away with it.

He's not sorry.

GoldDuster · 11/02/2023 19:19

He is good at making me feel that I am the one here who is crazy,

This is why you need to leave him. Deep down you know what the situation is, stop listening to him and get away from him permanently.

PinkiOcelot · 11/02/2023 19:22

Why are you still with him?

bonzaitree · 11/02/2023 19:33

Disengage, get your ducks in a row and leave.

why would you stay with a cheater?

Murdoch1949 · 11/02/2023 19:38

Sadly, he's playing you. He got away with unacceptable behaviour before, you gave him a second chance, so he's made this leap that he can do what he wants. I understand why you forgave him, but he's using that against you. I'm afraid you won't be happy with him, you don't trust him, it's time to plan your getaway.

BadNomad · 11/02/2023 20:08

You don't trust him, and you never will be able to trust him, because he is not a trustworthy person. Checking his phone won't change that. His phone behaviour isn't really the issue. Who he is, is the problem.

Hydie · 11/02/2023 20:12

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 11/02/2023 18:54

Couple of times I have checked it and first time I found out he had cheated on me, and second time I found his profile on sex site.

Didn't really need to read the rest.

Yes I also stopped reading at this part, I mean whatever he has done I am sure you seen it coming with such a sleeze ball! SURELY

follyfoot37 · 11/02/2023 20:21

Surprised you are still with him tbh

SelinaKant · 11/02/2023 20:24

There is no trust in this relationship. I can't imagine humiliating myself by asking my husband to look at his phone in case he might be having an affair/sexting/whatever. What is the point in the relationship? The very basics aren't there. Don't be so desperate to stay in a relationship or you will get stomped on. Nobody can MAKE you anything or MAKE you do anything. Take charge of your life and take responsibility for your decisions and choices and move on!

ScruffGin · 11/02/2023 20:25

If I ever got to the stage of needing to check my partners phone, then the trust is gone and the relationship is over. Get out and find someone who isn't a twat

tara66 · 11/02/2023 20:26

Does he actually say his phone is ''secret''? How old is he?

EVHead · 11/02/2023 20:30

FFS why are you still with him?! Serial sleaze keeps being sleazy - hardly surprising!

Find your self-worth and leave the bastard.

IsTheOffDutyDoneYet · 11/02/2023 20:30

He has shown you who he is, twice. Don’t let him show you a third.

mediumbrownmug · 11/02/2023 20:34

So, if I have this right, he’s cheated on you several times, is not sorry, and is making it clear that he’ll cheat again if he wants to. And is now rubbing your nose in it by refusing you access to his phone and taunting you with the fact that he’s having secret talks with other women that you can’t see. And you’re asking whether you’re being unreasonable?

Respectfully, this relationship doesn’t sound healthy. Here’s how it should work: if something makes you uncomfortable, your partner should care. And even if it turns out that your concern wasn’t reasonable, your partner should still be able to have a kind and respectful conversation with you about it that leaves you feeling that you are in an equal partnership with someone who values you and your feelings. And they should feel the same. Relationships are supposed to be about give and take. I’m not seeing that here.

Out of curiosity, how do you think he’d react if you cheated several times on him? Would he expect an apology?

Cheeseandpickleplease · 11/02/2023 20:37

My husband has always been hiding his phone from me. Couple of times I have checked it and first time I found out he had cheated on me, and second time I found his profile on sex site.

This is when you end your marriage!

you are married to a cheating prick (to put it mildly)

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2023 20:40

You're your own worst enemy at this point. Raise your standards and get rid of this dickhead.

SunshineLoving · 11/02/2023 20:44

Leave him OP. He's a nasty cheat.

You can't trust him, you're not happy. Leave him and be happy.

DaveyJonesLocker · 11/02/2023 20:51

He is rubbing it in your face that he's cheating on you.

Get rid. You deserve better.
And get and STI screening, he doesn't respect you, he won't have had any interest in protecting your health.

Carryonroundthecorner · 11/02/2023 20:52

Please leave this despicable bastard.

GettingItOutThere · 11/02/2023 20:58

you lost me at "the first time he cheated on me"

get rid

RampantIvy · 11/02/2023 21:07

He's a lying, cheating, gaslighting sleazebag, so I'm going to join in with the chorus of "why are you still with him?"

Cakecakecheese · 11/02/2023 21:33

Karoliine · 11/02/2023 19:07

He is good at making me feel that I am the one here who is crazy, jealous and all that. He never said sorry for cheating or joining those sites and never really tried to understand how I felt. Instead he blamed me. So maybe he has brainwashed me and ruined my self worth. I’m really lost and just had to open up somewhere..

He's really done a number on you. You deserve better and I hope you can begin to see that.

Johnisafckface · 12/02/2023 00:14

Good grief you caught him basically cheating/being inappropriate twice and you’re still with him? He’s done it twice I promise it won’t stop no matter what you do and what he promises not to do.

Daisydread · 14/03/2023 15:44

You need to leave him he has already been unfaithful and now he is gas lighting you.

I would have his bags packed if he doesn’t let you read those messages

KettrickenSmiled · 14/03/2023 15:47

You don't have a problem with his weird phone behaviour - you already know exactly why he acts this way.

You have a problem with your husband being a serial cheat.
www.chumplady.com/about-chump-lady/

Have a browse round the ChumpLady archives, & benefit from her wisdom & snark. I'm sorry your H is such a disrespectful twat. Flowers