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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find DP infuriating sometimes.

32 replies

LittlemissMama67 · 11/02/2023 08:15

For context we have 3 children 1 of which is 4 months old. I'm home 7-5 everyday with the 2 youngest and oldest is at school. I never stop during the day and I haven't had a full nights sleep in 5 months. I had awful insomnia at the end of my pregnancy.. so.

i do 90% of the childcare. That's just how it is. He works full time and helps around the house but most of anything to do with the kids I do. I can't trust him to settle baby at night because he "can't stay awake" 🙄

anyway so last night, after settling baby twice, her being sick all over herself and me twice. Which resulted in 2 outfit and sleeping bag changes. My side of the bed being soaking wet so sleeping on top of my dressing gown and his snoring behind me I lost it. I broke down. He woke up and was like are you ok? And I was like no, I'm really not. I'm exhausted. I haven't had a proper nights sleep in 5 months. The beds soaking, I've been sat here rocking her for 20 minutes and she's still awake. Im running on empty here. And he fucking started snoring and fell asleep while I was breaking my heart to him. I wanted to send him to the sofa. But I didn't.

when I finally got baby in her cot and laid down to sleep myself he snuggled in behind me and whispered "sorry baby I know I should help more" and kissed my shoulder and rolled over. I just laid there thinking OMFG I actually hate this man.

now if I'd written this last night if have used some stronger words. But now I've slept I'm thinking AIBU? I mean he is working and I'm on maternity but it still feels really unfair. And the hurt in my heart last night. I was really really upset.

OP posts:
Dinkleberg · 11/02/2023 08:18

He needs to step up. He even says he needs to help more but... Doesn't? Parenting needs to be 50/50, not you doing 90% of it.

Dinkleberg · 11/02/2023 08:21

Although did you actually ASK him to help you last night? Yes you shouldn't need to but some men don't seem to take hints and you need to spell it out!

Him falling asleep in the middle of a conversation is bizarre though. That seems to be beyond normal tiredness.

Doingmybest12 · 11/02/2023 08:25

Yanbu. What is wrong with these men, they really do seem to have an empathy and sympathy bypass. I think you have to spell it out. I had to tell mine to no , please dont bring the baby to the bathroom every time I have a bath, it isn't nice to be together as a family, I want to be alone. Have a chat about how you are feeling and spell out what you need. Don't be a martyr because then they think it's what you want to do. How is he otherwise as a partner.

Original poster
LittlemissMama67 · 11/02/2023 08:31

He's a good partner, he's kind, loving, during the day he's brilliant. Nighttime, hate him he's the scum of earth. 😂

OP posts:
BibbleandSqwauk · 11/02/2023 08:32

He absolutely needs to give you one night and morning at the weekend minimum where he does the night wakings and gives you a lie in. If he really really can't do the middle of the night stuff, then you get both lie ins most weekends. You cannot function sanely and safely on no sleep.

Wolfiefan · 11/02/2023 08:35

FFS it’s not “helping” it’s called being a parent. He needs to get a grip and step up.

Original poster
LittlemissMama67 · 11/02/2023 08:36

Wolfiefan · 11/02/2023 08:35

FFS it’s not “helping” it’s called being a parent. He needs to get a grip and step up.

That's what pissed me off the most, was the insinuation that anything he may have done would have been to "help" me.. why is it primarily my job and he's just the assistant. Fuck off no.

OP posts:
Sucessinthenewyear · 11/02/2023 08:38

If your doing 90% of everything to do with the children then he isn’t a great partner.

The falling asleep and snoring is a concern. Is he weight? He needs to see the GP.

Give him the book how not to hate your husband after kids.

You also need to tell him what you need. I would have woken him to to get him to change the bedding while you and the baby got changed.

picklemewalnuts · 11/02/2023 08:38

Send him to the GP.

If he can fall asleep when he is fully rested, while-
his wife is breaking down,
He's in charge of the tiny baby

He has a problem. Perhaps sleep apnoea, as you mention the snoring.

I'm not making excuses for him, I'm raging on your behalf.

Are you able to sleep when he's awake? Do you get catch ups in the afternoons and lie ins when he's not at work?

Bare minimum, he needs to take all the DC out including the baby so you can get a decent sleep. You need a regular schedule of him doing over nights so you get some quality sleep.

This is a health wrecking, marriage wrecking situation.

I do t know if I could get over his ability to wake up enough to snuggle up and mutter that he knows he should do more. That doesn't suggest inability m it suggest he doesn't care enough.

I should do more.... but because I'm a lazy arse and you let me get away with it, I won't.

No amount of sweet behaviour during the day makes up for this. It's very low effort, to sweet talk a woman by day. Empty words cost nothing.

TrinnySmith · 11/02/2023 08:39

DH didn't get up once with the 3 DCs - I still bear a grudge 35 years later - will go to my grave with it (unless he goes first)

N1Co · 11/02/2023 08:41

Dinkleberg · 11/02/2023 08:21

Although did you actually ASK him to help you last night? Yes you shouldn't need to but some men don't seem to take hints and you need to spell it out!

Him falling asleep in the middle of a conversation is bizarre though. That seems to be beyond normal tiredness.

There is so much wrong with this post.

StarsSand · 11/02/2023 08:44

Oh my god. I am angry for you.

That would make me incandescent with rage.

Does he think saying that helps at all? Does he want a medal?! I can't say I wouldn't have screamed at him for that.

Honestly I think you need to actually lose your cool and then start giving him specific tasks. He doesn't get to roll over while you're up all night.

If you don't trust him not to fall asleep on the baby (really? He should see a GP), then I'd be shaking him awake saying the baby has vomited- he needs to change the sheets and fetch a new sleeping bag.

I'd make him get up for the day at 6am so you can get a solid chunk of sleep before he leaves for work.

He agrees he needs to help more- hold him to it.

StarsSand · 11/02/2023 08:47

'I'm sorry baby I know I should help you more'

You: agreed. Get up, I'm sleeping on your side of the bed now as mine is wet and I've been up half the night.

Dinkleberg · 11/02/2023 08:49

@N1Co I'm not saying she should have to ask him or it's her fault for not asking. She shouldn't. He is lazy and needs to pull his finger out.

Sceptre86 · 11/02/2023 08:51

I despair at these threads, I really do. I take great issue with your whole mentality. 3 kids with a useless lump, why? He's kind and loving, great during the day? No he bloody well isn't. Love is about respect and empathy, you were breaking your heart and he didn't have enough empathy to stay away enough to listen, to let you have a lie in the next morning or to propose he did a few night wake ups a week. That is not love. A man who loves his partner will not see her go under. Why are your standards so low? What are you modelling for your kids?

He works full time is a piss poor excuse. Unless he drives for a living while the lack of sleep would endanger others or is a surgeon he can survive with broken sleep two days a week. My dh did 4 nights a week waking up with our kids despite working full time because I was losing the will. Had he not I'd have left him. It isn't help you need it's the other parent to do some actual parenting.

Speak up, if he changes good for you. If he doesn't you need to make some tough decisions.

Sceptre86 · 11/02/2023 08:52

*3 nights a week, not 4.

Original poster
LittlemissMama67 · 11/02/2023 08:57

For context I didn't have 3 kids with a lazy useless lump. I had 1 child with a lazy useless abusive lump (different dad)

1 child with him on purpose. And the baby somehow slipped through a condom without our knowledge of a break. (TMI) I know.

I was on contraception and came off it because i was feeling depressed, used condoms for a month and hey presto 👶🏼

OP posts:
Ragwort · 11/02/2023 08:59

I agree Sceptre almost every other thread is about 'useless' DHs ... and yet (& I will get accused of victim blaming here) the OP has had three DC with this 'useless DF' as has the PP who said her DH never got up with any of his three DC .... why, why, why do women accept this behaviour but go on to have more DC?
I have made this comment before and usually get told 'he wasn't like this before'....

Ragwort · 11/02/2023 09:01

If that is the situation (from your update) that is very sad ... poor unwanted third DC ... but was he equally useless with his first DC?

Original poster
LittlemissMama67 · 11/02/2023 09:01

I feel like I'm setting an angry mob on him, he is a good man; and a loving dad he's just boneidle sometimes. And needs it spelling out for him, he works 6 days a week at the moment, he's at work now. He only does a half day on a Saturday but still. That's why it's usually always me, he's never here. He gets home at 5 and they go bed at 8 dinner in between it dosnt leave a lot of time. Baby goes bed with us though.

I suppose I feel resentful too because I'm alone a lot. I appreciate the need to work, to earn money and pay bills I get that. I just wish I wasn't always on my own.

OP posts:
purpledalmation · 11/02/2023 09:03

Ragwort · 11/02/2023 09:01

If that is the situation (from your update) that is very sad ... poor unwanted third DC ... but was he equally useless with his first DC?

Don't make ridiculous statements like this. Of course this baby is not unwanted, it could easily have been aborted. It's wanted and loved, but just exhausting as any baby is.

Original poster
LittlemissMama67 · 11/02/2023 09:03

Ragwort · 11/02/2023 09:01

If that is the situation (from your update) that is very sad ... poor unwanted third DC ... but was he equally useless with his first DC?

Oh no she's not unwanted, she was unplanned yes but very much loved. And she will never know she was unplanned, just because she slipped through the net dosnt mean we weren't elated to be expecting her.

OP posts:
purpledalmation · 11/02/2023 09:05

@LittlemissMama67 It's a difficult and exhausting time for both of you. In a few months it will get better. Can you afford even a few hours childcare a week? Parents babysitting, just to give you a break in the day. At the weekends DH could give you a few hours break even just to sleep or go out for a coffee on your own. Young children are lovely but suffocating

Wolfiefan · 11/02/2023 09:05

Good men aren’t bone idle at home. Even if they work that much.

Theunamedcat · 11/02/2023 09:06

Dinkleberg · 11/02/2023 08:21

Although did you actually ASK him to help you last night? Yes you shouldn't need to but some men don't seem to take hints and you need to spell it out!

Him falling asleep in the middle of a conversation is bizarre though. That seems to be beyond normal tiredness.

She didn't manage to get to the end of her sentence though did she?

What's wrong

XYZ and I need......oh your asleep 😴