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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish MN was like it used to be?

27 replies

Frequency · 11/02/2023 02:55

I don't mean the vipers and the AIBU nest of utter venom. AFAIK that's pretty much the same. as it's always been I mean the anonymity.

I have something I want second, third, and fourth opinions on but I cannot share on here like I used to for fear I will end up on page 4 of the Daily Fail.

OP posts:
echt · 11/02/2023 03:00

Make your username for the one thread only.

Call yourself DailyMailCanFuckOffAnd Die. Use this as a header in all your posts?

SpookyBlackCat · 11/02/2023 03:07

Name change and fudge details?

Original poster
Frequency · 11/02/2023 03:07

I've considered a name change but to describe it properly and put the situation in context I'd need a fair bit of detail. It's not a completely unique situation, but it is 100% Daily Fail fodder.

It's detail that could be identifiable if you knew the people involved.

OP posts:
SpookyBlackCat · 11/02/2023 03:09

Sorry crossed posts. It’s not just the Daily Mail. MN threads are discussed on Reddit and Tattle. Other tabloids also print threads. It’s definitely not anonymous.

BeetlesForever · 11/02/2023 03:15

Change user name, drill down to the essentials of the issues, change numbers/ages/sex of children/siblings/cousins and leave out anything peripheral?

Liorae · 11/02/2023 03:18

echt · 11/02/2023 03:00

Make your username for the one thread only.

Call yourself DailyMailCanFuckOffAnd Die. Use this as a header in all your posts?

Daily Mail usually blanks out the name.

Original poster
Frequency · 11/02/2023 03:32

Hmm.

I'm not sure it would make sense without detail.

Loosely and hypothetcially speaking there is a young man (19-24) awaiting court for child sex offenses.

His story, which is currently undisputed is that his GF who was only a couple of years younger, (under the age of 18 but over 16) willingly and consentually sent him nudes. They then had an acriminous break up.

She then contacted the police when she found out he had a new GF and had him arrested for having indecent images of a minor on his phone. He's currently awaiting court. He still had the images but denies sharing them or refusing to delete them when asked.

I have met the young man in question and on the face of things he's a nice kid but something doesn't quite add up. Like would the above situation really be taken to court if there was not more to it?

OP posts:
AngeloMysterioso · 11/02/2023 04:39

I’m confused… is the minor in question the ex-gf?

Original poster
Frequency · 11/02/2023 04:51

Yeah.

I wanna try and be as vague as possible whilst still making sense but the "victim" was an ex who allegedly willingly and consensually sent nudes. The "offender" 'forgot' he had these photos until he was arrested.

She was over 16 but under 18.

He was between 19-23.

He swears blind no one but him has seen the pics.

OP posts:
SpookyBlackCat · 11/02/2023 04:54

I think no one can know the answer to this question. The fact that he seems nice doesn’t mean anything as to whether he is nice or not. I do know someone who ended up in court over something very minor which he says he didn’t do, so I think it is plausible that he may have ended up in court over this, perhaps they offered him a caution and he refused. I just think you can’t know either way if it is how he says it is or if there is more to it. Have you thought about attending court and seeing what is said?

SpookyBlackCat · 11/02/2023 05:01

It is illegal in the UK to posses naked photos of a person aged under 18 even if the photos were taken with consent. He should have deleted the photos and asked her not to send more.

Hydie · 11/02/2023 05:01

For this situation alone then no I don't imagine he would go to court, someone over 16 sending him pictures surely isn't a crime?

FeinCuroxiVooz · 11/02/2023 05:02

It's a sad and difficult situation but I don't see the need to post about it.

the only opinions that matter are going to be the magistrates (if at a lower court) or jury (if a higher court) who will come to a verdict with all the evidence, which obviously you can't share here so any opinions expressed here will be flawed and uninformed.

I hope all the family of the both the young people are rallying round to ensure they both have excellent legal representation, so that the verdict is based on a proper scrutiny of all the evidence and the law.

it's possible this is a fake accusation as part of breakup revenge. it's also possible that he manipulated her into consenting to images she wasn't actually comfortable with but was scared to deny. it's impossible to know, without access to the evidence and testimony of those involved.

the families have my sympathy obviously. it must be an awful time, but I can see any possible benefit from there being a thread about it.

SpookyBlackCat · 11/02/2023 05:55

In the UK the age of consent for sexual intercourse is 16. However, it is an offence to make, distribute, possess or show any indecent images of anyone aged under 18, even if the content was created with the consent of that young person. The law is contained in Section 1 Protection of Children Act 1978. ‘Indecent’ is not defined in legislation. When cases are prosecuted, the question of whether any photograph of a child is indecent is for a jury, magistrate or district judge to decide.

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/sexting/

Hups · 11/02/2023 06:00

Over 16 but under 18, so 17 then. Why not just say 17.
It's not just newspapers that lift stories from here, plenty of other sites do too, mainly to take the piss out of the posts and posters.

BotherThat · 11/02/2023 06:02

How did ex-gf know he still had the images on his phone when she reported to police?

Hups · 11/02/2023 06:37

Forgot to add, so basically his ex is just out for revenge then, seeing as she didn't seem bothered until a new girlfriend appeared on the scene.
Are you the ex by any chance?

Original poster
Frequency · 11/02/2023 07:19

Hups · 11/02/2023 06:37

Forgot to add, so basically his ex is just out for revenge then, seeing as she didn't seem bothered until a new girlfriend appeared on the scene.
Are you the ex by any chance?

Oh sweet Jesus, NO. I am not his ex, not in any way, shape, or form would I ever be sexually attracted to a 20-something-year-old child.

I added the bit about the ex because that's what trips me up about the story. He does not blame his ex. His version of events is that "the police must have hacked his phone" and he forget he had the pictures until he was arrested. It is a known fact that he was arrested a couple of days after he 'went public' with his new GF.

As to what is to gain from starting a thread, probably nothing. Anything posted on this is going to be speculation but I am close to a vulnerable young adult who has become embroiled in this story and who will be very, very emotionally hurt if it turns out that the accused is being less than truthful.

I guess I just wanted opinions as to how viable his story is because it doesn't ring quite true to me. As in, yes, what he did (keeping images of his underaged ex) is illegal but is it something that would be taken to court if that is all there is to the story?

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 11/02/2023 07:24

Does the chap have a history of choosing vulnerable girlfriends. The first was a lot younger, the next potentially vulnerable too? That's a red flag if so.

Floofyduffypuddy · 11/02/2023 07:29

Op it's not just that but mn do nothing about posters who think they recognise people from other threads and try and link threads when people have changed names?

I honestly don't understand why the mods arnt stricter on this because its supposed to be an anonymous forum and if you have name changed to protect yourself and some over invested numpty decides to try and link your past threads you really are in danger of being outed.

MrSand · 11/02/2023 07:47

I'm not an expert, but I think you're right that there must be more to it - or the police & CPS must have reason to think so. Under the 1978 act, possession of images on its own is not a crime. It must be possession with a view to showing (to others) or distributing.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 11/02/2023 08:05

I think I understand OP that really your dilemma is how to be supportive when you don't know to what extent you can believe in his innocence.

I think you need to focus on being loving and supportive in a totally non-judgemental way, focusing on the fact that whether he is guilty or innocent he is still a human being. society likes to villify guilty people as irredeemably evil, it helps to distract people from their own flaws if they can draw rigid distinctions between themselves and "bad people". but in reality we are all just people.

if it does turn out that this young man is judged to be a safeguarding risk that doesn't mean he is less worthy of love and support. it does mean that the support he needs includes helping him to avoid the damaging patterns of behaviour he is drawn to. whether that's a process that needs a custodial sentence isn't for us to judge, and if it does then that shouldn't become a reason to demonise him.

the key is to try to remove the link between "being loving and supportive" and "believing in his innocence". doing the former without the latter is possible, albeit understandably sometimes difficult.

Gunpowder · 19/04/2023 06:34

I think I can work out your relationship to the situation.

I would try and persuade the ‘vulnerable young adult’ to step away from this man. Even if he’s given you/them the whole story he has shown a lack of judgement in dating someone under 18 and receiving nudes which he didn’t delete. I think I’d do this by asking some probing questions and urging caution rather than being immediately critical. I presume you don’t want to drive your young person away. Also, if they don’t step away I would be there for your young person compassionately and without judgement, and support them without censure whenever the whole thing blows up. It sounds like you would do this unreservedly.

When I was 18 I dated a 28 year old, my mum was completely charmed by him but I remember my dad saying something cryptic - wondering why he couldn’t find someone his own age. When exBF ghosted me I remembered it and it was comforting. It made me feel like it wasn’t all my fault.

Gunpowder · 19/04/2023 06:36

Sorry, just realised the thread is old. I’ve reported my post.

CheersForThatEh · 19/04/2023 07:20

I admit this is speculation but I think it's unlikely the police just hacked his phoned. He was either reported and paid a visit or they found them in the course of searching for something else.

So I would speculate that he was reported and, again, speculate that given the relationship between him and the girl, either he had refused to delete them, has distributed them or has in some other way behaved in a way that the police think it isnon the public interest to prosecute.

I think, and again, speculate, that had his ex girlfriend gone to the police cold without asking him to delete then then I think they would have just visited and asked him to delete them and upon compliance left the situation alone without seeking prosecution.

So in your shoes, I would speculate there is more to it and be wary and look to attend court of possible for the full story.