SIL ahhh | Mumsnet

1982mommaof4 · 2023-02-11T00:59:17+00:00

Need to vent my SIL has always hated me, I have no idea why but it really gets to me... any tips on how to overcome feeling upset by this. 16 years with DH

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2023 01:02

You've dwelled on this for 16 years? Why? You should have cut her off 15.5 years ago. Why do you even care what she thinks?

Original poster

1982mommaof4 · 11/02/2023 01:06

@Aquamarine1029 this is the problem it hurts my feeling every time we are in the same company ( not often) obviously tonight I have been with her.

I really struggle with her blatant disgust in me.

My husband has picked up on it years ago ( his brothers wife, so not technically SIL).

He says ignore her... but it plays on my mind so much

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2023 01:09

He says ignore her... but it plays on my mind so much

Why do you think your self worth is so dependent on what she thinks about you? She doesn't even know you. Her opinion is, and should be, irrelevant. She simply doesn't matter.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 11/02/2023 01:10

Why do you think that? Do you see her often? Has she been openly hostile or rude to you?

Original poster

1982mommaof4 · 11/02/2023 01:12

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2023 01:09

He says ignore her... but it plays on my mind so much

Why do you think your self worth is so dependent on what she thinks about you? She doesn't even know you. Her opinion is, and should be, irrelevant. She simply doesn't matter.

Thank you, wish I had your thought process. I do try to not care but the trying to not care means I care( if that makes sense)

OP posts:

Original poster

1982mommaof4 · 11/02/2023 01:14

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 11/02/2023 01:10

Why do you think that? Do you see her often? Has she been openly hostile or rude to you?

Very much so, she is openly rude and hostile. Has bad mouthed me to various family members. I should think fuck you and not care.. but I do m, it really gets to me

She's horrible so I should be happy that someone that nasty doesn't like me... 🫣

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2023 01:15

You have to let this go, op. You can't control what she thinks, and her opinion of you is none of your business. Disengage from her, totally. You are not obligated to socialise with her.

Original poster

1982mommaof4 · 11/02/2023 01:18

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2023 01:15

You have to let this go, op. You can't control what she thinks, and her opinion of you is none of your business. Disengage from her, totally. You are not obligated to socialise with her.

I know, I do avoid any contact as much as possible. My DH and his brother are very close and my DC love being around their cousins, so going completely NC wouldn't work.
But yes I need to avoid these situations as much as possible

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2023 01:24

I'm confident that I'm a lot older than you are, and I have learned that behaviour like your SIL displays is almost always rooted in jealousy. You should feel sorry for her, pity her. Imagine being so insecure and miserable that you choose to treat a family member so horribly. You actually have all the power here. She's to be pitied.

Original poster

1982mommaof4 · 11/02/2023 01:26

Aquamarine1029 · 11/02/2023 01:24

I'm confident that I'm a lot older than you are, and I have learned that behaviour like your SIL displays is almost always rooted in jealousy. You should feel sorry for her, pity her. Imagine being so insecure and miserable that you choose to treat a family member so horribly. You actually have all the power here. She's to be pitied.

It is sad and actually if she gave me a chance I would be a good person in her life. Thank you for your kind words for a girl needing to vent

OP posts:

baffledcoconut · 11/02/2023 01:30

If it helps, mine hates me and has actively manipulated family to cast me out. It’s her issue but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get satisfaction in pissing her off by being bright and breezy and excelling in things she’s hopeless at.

Eyerollcentral · 11/02/2023 01:38

1982mommaof4 · 11/02/2023 01:06

@Aquamarine1029 this is the problem it hurts my feeling every time we are in the same company ( not often) obviously tonight I have been with her.

I really struggle with her blatant disgust in me.

My husband has picked up on it years ago ( his brothers wife, so not technically SIL).

He says ignore her... but it plays on my mind so much

Sorry pedant but your brother in law’s wife is technically your sister in law surely

Eyerollcentral · 11/02/2023 01:41

1982mommaof4 · 11/02/2023 01:18

I know, I do avoid any contact as much as possible. My DH and his brother are very close and my DC love being around their cousins, so going completely NC wouldn't work.
But yes I need to avoid these situations as much as possible

Show quote history

You are being too vague to enable anyone to give you any advice but just ignore her. What is she saying about you to others? How does she show her disgust?

Myotherusernames · 11/02/2023 01:45

Please please try to put her out of your everyday thoughts . I had a sil like this & was told by another sil before we met that she hoped we got along as if we didn't that would be the end of the relationship 🙄 I replied rather bravely for me at the time that I wasn't here to impress anyone , just to meet the family & if they didn't like me tough because thankfully I wasn't going out with them & I loved my partner & he me so I'm sure there would be no issues but underneath all of that I was thinking why wouldn't they like me, these people don't even know me , Oh how naive I was , she teamed up with her mother to basically try & put an end to our relationship, saying he was putting his own needs before the family relations , basically because they would be organising something that he said he couldn't attend because he would be with me as we were in a ldr at the time & how dare he put me before them (spending two nights together out of two weeks btw because of our work schedules) she tried to make him choose between me & her, his only sister which did not end as she expected, I'm sure she got a shock when she did not receive a reply to that text message & he has since been no contact with them apart from his brother & wife who we have a lovely relationship with. I cannot understand any member of a family , be it immediately family or in laws that would not want every member to be happy & have a loving relationship like they do, I just can't get my head around it. I have a sil that I don't like very much but she or my brother do not know that's because who he chooses to spend his life with is none of my business & what I think of her is completely different obviously to what he does or he wouldn't be with her. Sorry for the rant but to sum up if you & your husband are happy in your relationship that is all that matters , everybody else is irrelevant & the life you have & are building together is all that matters . If you have to spend time in these people's company be the bigger person & nod & smile, tell yourself before any gathering "I am the better person, they will not beat me down to their level"

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 11/02/2023 01:51

It sounds like she must be not that decent of a person to tt you like that. Just try and not ponder on the matter. It is probably some ridiculous thing like you remind her of somebody from her past. Her loss!

aonbharr · 11/02/2023 03:29

Myotherusernames · 11/02/2023 01:45

Please please try to put her out of your everyday thoughts . I had a sil like this & was told by another sil before we met that she hoped we got along as if we didn't that would be the end of the relationship 🙄 I replied rather bravely for me at the time that I wasn't here to impress anyone , just to meet the family & if they didn't like me tough because thankfully I wasn't going out with them & I loved my partner & he me so I'm sure there would be no issues but underneath all of that I was thinking why wouldn't they like me, these people don't even know me , Oh how naive I was , she teamed up with her mother to basically try & put an end to our relationship, saying he was putting his own needs before the family relations , basically because they would be organising something that he said he couldn't attend because he would be with me as we were in a ldr at the time & how dare he put me before them (spending two nights together out of two weeks btw because of our work schedules) she tried to make him choose between me & her, his only sister which did not end as she expected, I'm sure she got a shock when she did not receive a reply to that text message & he has since been no contact with them apart from his brother & wife who we have a lovely relationship with. I cannot understand any member of a family , be it immediately family or in laws that would not want every member to be happy & have a loving relationship like they do, I just can't get my head around it. I have a sil that I don't like very much but she or my brother do not know that's because who he chooses to spend his life with is none of my business & what I think of her is completely different obviously to what he does or he wouldn't be with her. Sorry for the rant but to sum up if you & your husband are happy in your relationship that is all that matters , everybody else is irrelevant & the life you have & are building together is all that matters . If you have to spend time in these people's company be the bigger person & nod & smile, tell yourself before any gathering "I am the better person, they will not beat me down to their level"

a very good post.

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 11/02/2023 04:07

I don't understand. If your DH and brother are 'very close', WHY can't your DH speak to his brother about his wife's treatment of you, and get to the bottom of why she doesn't like you? Sounds like your DH doesn't have your back at all. If my husband's SIL treated me like that, he would have got to the bottom of it years ago or not be close with her brother at all then.

Original poster

1982mommaof4 · 11/02/2023 09:57

baffledcoconut · 11/02/2023 01:30

If it helps, mine hates me and has actively manipulated family to cast me out. It’s her issue but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get satisfaction in pissing her off by being bright and breezy and excelling in things she’s hopeless at.

😂😂😂

OP posts:

Original poster

1982mommaof4 · 11/02/2023 09:58

@Eyerollcentral I thought this but she corrected me and said I'm not your SIL we have no blood connection 🫣

OP posts:

Original poster

1982mommaof4 · 11/02/2023 10:01

Myotherusernames · 11/02/2023 01:45

Please please try to put her out of your everyday thoughts . I had a sil like this & was told by another sil before we met that she hoped we got along as if we didn't that would be the end of the relationship 🙄 I replied rather bravely for me at the time that I wasn't here to impress anyone , just to meet the family & if they didn't like me tough because thankfully I wasn't going out with them & I loved my partner & he me so I'm sure there would be no issues but underneath all of that I was thinking why wouldn't they like me, these people don't even know me , Oh how naive I was , she teamed up with her mother to basically try & put an end to our relationship, saying he was putting his own needs before the family relations , basically because they would be organising something that he said he couldn't attend because he would be with me as we were in a ldr at the time & how dare he put me before them (spending two nights together out of two weeks btw because of our work schedules) she tried to make him choose between me & her, his only sister which did not end as she expected, I'm sure she got a shock when she did not receive a reply to that text message & he has since been no contact with them apart from his brother & wife who we have a lovely relationship with. I cannot understand any member of a family , be it immediately family or in laws that would not want every member to be happy & have a loving relationship like they do, I just can't get my head around it. I have a sil that I don't like very much but she or my brother do not know that's because who he chooses to spend his life with is none of my business & what I think of her is completely different obviously to what he does or he wouldn't be with her. Sorry for the rant but to sum up if you & your husband are happy in your relationship that is all that matters , everybody else is irrelevant & the life you have & are building together is all that matters . If you have to spend time in these people's company be the bigger person & nod & smile, tell yourself before any gathering "I am the better person, they will not beat me down to their level"

Thank you, I am always polite but all I do now is greet her when we meet and that's it. I have tried to make conversation in the past and m met with one word answers, so I don't bother now.

OP posts:

Original poster

1982mommaof4 · 11/02/2023 10:01

Myotherusernames · 11/02/2023 01:45

Please please try to put her out of your everyday thoughts . I had a sil like this & was told by another sil before we met that she hoped we got along as if we didn't that would be the end of the relationship 🙄 I replied rather bravely for me at the time that I wasn't here to impress anyone , just to meet the family & if they didn't like me tough because thankfully I wasn't going out with them & I loved my partner & he me so I'm sure there would be no issues but underneath all of that I was thinking why wouldn't they like me, these people don't even know me , Oh how naive I was , she teamed up with her mother to basically try & put an end to our relationship, saying he was putting his own needs before the family relations , basically because they would be organising something that he said he couldn't attend because he would be with me as we were in a ldr at the time & how dare he put me before them (spending two nights together out of two weeks btw because of our work schedules) she tried to make him choose between me & her, his only sister which did not end as she expected, I'm sure she got a shock when she did not receive a reply to that text message & he has since been no contact with them apart from his brother & wife who we have a lovely relationship with. I cannot understand any member of a family , be it immediately family or in laws that would not want every member to be happy & have a loving relationship like they do, I just can't get my head around it. I have a sil that I don't like very much but she or my brother do not know that's because who he chooses to spend his life with is none of my business & what I think of her is completely different obviously to what he does or he wouldn't be with her. Sorry for the rant but to sum up if you & your husband are happy in your relationship that is all that matters , everybody else is irrelevant & the life you have & are building together is all that matters . If you have to spend time in these people's company be the bigger person & nod & smile, tell yourself before any gathering "I am the better person, they will not beat me down to their level"

Rant away ... I know the feeling 😂

OP posts:

Original poster

1982mommaof4 · 11/02/2023 10:03

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 11/02/2023 04:07

I don't understand. If your DH and brother are 'very close', WHY can't your DH speak to his brother about his wife's treatment of you, and get to the bottom of why she doesn't like you? Sounds like your DH doesn't have your back at all. If my husband's SIL treated me like that, he would have got to the bottom of it years ago or not be close with her brother at all then.

He has asked, but then it makes a big issue and looks like I am causing the trouble. They will say do t be ridiculous SIL doesn't have time to dislike you 🫣

OP posts:

Bunce1 · 11/02/2023 10:06

Laugh at her. When she is being rude. Laugh at her. Poke fun at her complete lack of social grace. Honestly she will be flummoxed.

She can’t hurt you when you’re laughing. I have a person in my social group and she is very brittle and disdainful. When she acts like that I just laugh at her and say “oh you’re so funny!” She doesn’t really know what to do about it, Bacchae she’s trying to be superior and nasty and I just won’t let it get to me.
She’s acting the fool- we laugh at fools

Menopants · 11/02/2023 10:08

Mouth ‘fuck you’ at her every opportunity you get when no one else is looking.

Don’t do this obviously but think about and have a giggle. You need to stop giving her the power to hurt you

Tittyfilarious81 · 11/02/2023 10:14

This might sound daft be who has been around the longest you or sister in law ?