AIBU husband work

[KAIBUC]

I’m quite possibly just being unreasonable here (baby hormones perhaps 🙈) but would like honest opinions on how people would feel in my shoes as hubby doesn’t see a problem and any problem with it is manifested in my head.
So.. hubby has his own business/Workplace, he has a (married) female friend interested in a similar line of work who also now rents ‘space’ there. This was not a problem to me at all.. right up until I found out he was lying & was messaging her late hours of night (saying it was his daughter), so I had a strop on about it but put up with her still being there and he had said he had nothing to hide & im welcome to look at his phone any time I like after that. Well I did last night & there are no messages between them (I know for fact there was) so they’ve been deleted, which he has no idea of how they got deleted apparently/possibly hacked 🙄
Am I right to be pi**ed off & tempted to give the ultimatum she isn’t to be at work or he can bugger off & stay there?
To add Im on maternity still & can go there whenever I like but don’t really & that’s my choice because I haven’t felt comfortable since the first lie with her always there & the fact it’s no longer much of a ‘family business’ but seems more ‘theirs’.
I’m not even particularly worried about an affair (he’s not being starved at home to look elsewhere, not that he ever seems to want it/me!) but I feel more really disrespected in favour for another woman.
AIBU?!?!?!

You've caught him lying and you still think you're the one being unreasonable?

He’s lied, you won’t ever trust him again. The question is how your relationship can survive.

I'm normally the last person to say I think there's something going on on a lot of threads.

But I think there's definitely something going on here OP.

His phone got 'hacked' and only messages between him and her got deleted?

So he pretended that he was talking to his daughter and then deleted the messages? that’s not hormones I’m afraid, go with your gut

He's having an affair babe

I voted YABU to not suspect an affair

The lying about messaging is a big issue, but the much, much bigger issue is then deleting the messages. The only reason to do that is if there’s something to hide.

No one has any interest in hacking the phone of a stranger to delete messages between him and another woman. And I have never, ever had messages disappear (it’s almost impossible with things like iMessage and WhatsApp now meaning that it’s all stored in the cloud).

If he has an iPhone, it may be possible to recover the messages with his iCloud account if he’s not tech savvy. For extra confirmation you could tell him there’s no issue as he can show you by logging in- I’d be confident he’d suddenly forget his password.

I’m really sorry and I’m never one for saying this on threads like this, but he’s hiding something and it’s difficult to guess how bad.

Emotional affair.

I normally don't jump on these posts and think it's mad the amount of people who run straight in with the affair card....but he's having an affair! It would be done for me.

“I’m not even particularly worried about an affair (he’s not being starved at home to look elsewhere, not that he ever seems to want it/me)”

I don’t want to twist the knife, but I also don’t think your naïve bubble is helpful to you.

• he’s been in frequent and late John contact with her
• he lied she was his daughter
• he deleted the messages (hacked my arse)
• he’s not interested in sex with you
• how much sex you have at home is irrelevant

What part of that makes you think an affair isn’t a possibility?

Be sensible and protect yourself.

Sorry OP, he's either shagging her or wants to.

Both would be a total dealbreaker for me.

“Late John contact” was supposed be late night.

But oh what an apt typo!

cripes, do you own the company jointly ?. be very careful from now on, don't go signing anything without reading through v v carefully
she might be trying to edge you out

Well if he wants to sleep with her or is already sleeping with her, no work based ultimatum is going to make a scrap of difference really is it?
I don’t understand what you think such an action would fix?

Ummm... You should be very concerned that he's having an affair because I'd bet he is.

Thanks for all the replies already!
I should of added in the post, it’s rare there isn’t someone else at work at the same time, it would be very difficult for him to have a physical affair, he’s mostly always home normal time after work, plus I do have the choice (fuel gauge depending!) to turn up whenever I like, I just don’t like to anymore sadly.
i just feel disrespected by it & whether he has a different side to it all, the facts are she’s always there, he lied (apparently done so as thought I’d get ‘funny’) & messages have been deleted - he did point out that her husbands messages who he also knows well but not as friendly with (she bitches about her hubby to him) have also disappeared. But just those 2 people.
Im guessing no one thinks I’d be unreasonable to put the ultimatum to him then about her being there!
Thank you all who have commented! I may just show him this later on as it’s not in my head feeing crap about it.

Her husbands probably told him to back off hence the deleted messages.

He lied to you about who he was messaging. You won't believe him even if he says he's told her she can't work there anymore.

You are in no way being silly here. There are any red flags. You are worth more than this - absolutely put the ultimatum to him if that’s what you want to do. Yes if he’s actually having an affair it won’t do much but my word this man needs a reality check he could lose you and his family through this. If it was me I’d lay it all on the line and say ‘do you want me, want us, or not?’

Many red flags 🚩 i mean

Option 1: Play dumb and proceed to attempt a normal relationship with him, possibly including regular sex. (And if you don’t want to, I don’t blame you but sorry in that case it might be over anyway). Turn up at his workplace unannounced at very random times. Try to catch him out. Get your ducks in a row and a plan of escape and revenge ready.
Either a) there’s nothing to worry about and relationship will improve
b) it will become more apparent something is up

Option 2: Kick him out

Option 3: Confront him again now

Observation: you very obviously not being unreasonable so ask yourself how on earth you question that

Or he’s deleted both because only someone really thick would believe random hack deleted one person’s messages.
You’d still be thick to believe the coincidence that the two deleted were married.

Again thank you for everyone’s replies! I’m new to this forum/site as a ‘poster’ I will reply to the kind of questions when I work out how 🙈
I guess what I’m asking now (as I get most the votes are on an affair) is if hypothetically you didn’t believe he was having an affair would you still think it’s fair to insist on such an ultimatum when it would affect what possibly is a (very disrespectful to me & he’s lied etc but) innocent friendship that would affect the other woman’s (& her innocent partner) work temporarily?

Hopefully this works as a reply comment & not private message or something else (apologies if not 🙈)
yes to both but on seperate occasions

Ok so hypothetically:

If there was nothing to suggest this was anything but an innocent friendship, then it would be unreasonable to demand he end that innocent working arrangement.

However, there is a lot to suggest this is not an innocent friendship, so that doesn’t seem like a relevant hypothetical question to ask.

It’s not unreasonable to ask he stops working with her. His reaction might tell you something. I’m willing to bet it will be stated as not feasible to ask someone (her) to move her office. But you can ask him to move his. But what will you do if he says no??