AIBU husband work

[KAIBUC]

I’m quite possibly just being unreasonable here (baby hormones perhaps 🙈) but would like honest opinions on how people would feel in my shoes as hubby doesn’t see a problem and any problem with it is manifested in my head.
So.. hubby has his own business/Workplace, he has a (married) female friend interested in a similar line of work who also now rents ‘space’ there. This was not a problem to me at all.. right up until I found out he was lying & was messaging her late hours of night (saying it was his daughter), so I had a strop on about it but put up with her still being there and he had said he had nothing to hide & im welcome to look at his phone any time I like after that. Well I did last night & there are no messages between them (I know for fact there was) so they’ve been deleted, which he has no idea of how they got deleted apparently/possibly hacked 🙄
Am I right to be pi**ed off & tempted to give the ultimatum she isn’t to be at work or he can bugger off & stay there?
To add Im on maternity still & can go there whenever I like but don’t really & that’s my choice because I haven’t felt comfortable since the first lie with her always there & the fact it’s no longer much of a ‘family business’ but seems more ‘theirs’.
I’m not even particularly worried about an affair (he’s not being starved at home to look elsewhere, not that he ever seems to want it/me!) but I feel more really disrespected in favour for another woman.
AIBU?!?!?!

Ok, so I can’t work this forum properly just yet! So I’ll answer few things here...

No we don’t own the company jointly, all of our business etc has always been seperate other than helping eachother out.

No I don’t believe an ultimatum would fix if there was an affair - I just felt like giving it as I felt so disrespected by the lies & deleted messages and he knows since the first lie he told about her that I wasn’t happy. So felt like he’s placing her above myself & how I feel. But maybe that’s where I’m being unreasonable 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t think her husband would of messaged him that tbh & would of let me know, he seems that kind of guy? But you never know!

Due to the lack of sex life (due to him not me!) I have asked him plenty times if he wants us & told him how I felt, not that it changes anything

DontStopMeNow7, I love the slight vengeful streak 😂 I would make him suffer if he was having an affair!

DamnThatHitsHome - that’s fair to say. I suppose it’s the outright disrespect for me & I feel placing her above me by doing what he’s done, that has got my hackles up so much. If innocent (though I hate the blatant lies 🤬) I suppose I may just have to suck it up & continue to feel unwelcome there as much as I hate it

DontStopMeNow7
Seems jury is out at mo whether fair of me to ask. But it’s not a business that he could reasonably move (large trade), she could very easily! But whether he would ask his ‘mate’ to do so is a different story

He doesn’t want sex with you

He has lied to you then lies again by denying that he lied (?)

You don’t feel welcome at/ able to go his office

Giving an ultimatum is unlikely to achieve anything

None of this is normal. So is the situation with this woman really the tip of the iceberg? You can choose to do nothing but what are you then settling for?

What are your other options?

DontStopMeNow7 - no tbf it probably wouldn’t achieve anything at all other than making me feel a little better & happier to go there. Perhaps reading through I’m being a little spiteful not wanting her there to make me feel better because he’d lied/deleted so in my mind placed her above me. If he hadn’t of done those things I wouldn’t of been bothered or said a word but most probably a little bit jealous of the time & chats they obviously have together when I don’t feel very wanted 🤷🏻‍♀️ (He’d say & does that he does want me, but words not actions or ‘action’ 😂) but nothing I would of worried about in regards to her.
For the tip of the iceberg - id be seething regardless due to the lies/disrespect, but do have issues with how I feel about myself not feeling wanted by him as a woman. We have spoken about this but nothing changes more than a day or 2, yet he still swears blind I’m what he wants 🙄

Yeehhhh he's definitely having an affair.

You'd be amazed at how people can squeeze it into their day when they want. Sorry.

I'd be tossing the idea of an ultimatum and getting my ducks in order tbh.

Were they iPhone messages? You can go into the inbox, top left click edit and deleted messages are now in there. Many folks have yet to notice.

Perry34 - Unfortunately not an Iphone

A man not wanting sex is a red flag to me. Do men ever not want sex? Others will know better than me. You’re right to be suspicious so I’d do some more investigating if I were you.

On that basis I’d set some boundaries; this might come across as ultimatums but so be it. Give him the choice: i.e. a proper loving relationship or it’s over, just as one example.

Isn't the usual lie to the affair partner, when the wife wants sex and husband doesn't, that he's not having sex at home / they have separated, not having sex but still living in same house for financial reasons? Pretty sure that's how it usually plays out. Only issue being wife hasn't been informed of the separation...

To help you out as a newbie OP if you want to reply directly to someone just type @ then copy and paste the persons name who you want to answer.

Then write your post and it will show the poster that you have replied directly to them.

Hope that helps

@JimHensonWasAGenius thank you!!

I would want to see those deleted messages OP, surely you need to know for sure whether he's cheating before you worry about ultimatums over the working arrangements? I would be focusing on finding out how to restore those messages first and foremost, he clearly doesn't want you to see them or he wouldn't have deleted them and it's likely their content will give you the facts you need to move forward.

Just leave him, he is a lying sleeze either way, don't waste more energy on someone that mistreats you like this.

Or is hoping to start one

I wouldn't do the ultimatum. There will always be some woman in the background because she isn't the problem, he is. You're pregnant and he's late night messaging someone else and lying about it. He's deleting his messages and lying about it.

There's no point demanding she is dropped because sooner or later he'll do it with someone else. The best you can do is make sure he no longer can do it to you.

Ok so after a good think & good google search, I think as mentioned by others I need to see what these deleted messages are and google seems to think they can be retrieved (now my non tech’y arse just needs to work it out following the steps guide 🙈) I don’t intend on doing it secretly, so if he refuses well I already have my answer then obviously.

Well that went as well as I’m sure everyone was expecting.
Apparently if I need to see those messages then there is no trust & I'm paranoid.
Started off as yes I can check them but if I do then it’s over, so I said yes I want to see them & if it’s that much of a problem to him he would leave his family then so be it, so of course then apparently there is no reason to check them now & no I can’t have his phone as it’s over.

You have your answer then OP, you can proceed on the basis that he is cheating and start getting your ducks in a row. That sounds horribly emotionless I realise and will be much harder to do in reality but at least you won't have to deal with the confusion of not knowing what to believe. Even if he was genuinely outraged by the lack of trust (he isn't) he would want to prove himself (and prove you wrong) if he had nothing to hide.

I think he's told you everything you need to know. I bet my bottom dollar in a day or two he'll offer you the phone to check, which will be just enough time for him to ensure all the messages are gone. He'll then gaslight you into thinking it was you blowing it out of all proportion.

His actions are telling you who he is op, believe him

Called it.

Sorry OP but you've essentially got "proof" in his reaction. Whilst some might get miffed at being asked, it wouldn't be a "if you check it's over"

A rational conversation about how you're feeling and how is actions are impacting that, is what should have happened if he was innocent.

I hope you can make the right call here.

Yeah you have your answer, he cant possibly be trying to pull the "paranoid/lack of trust" card when he has already been caught out in a lie and deleted messages. Of course you dont trust him, he broke your trust with these actions. An innocent party in these circumstances would have no issue showing you the messages.

I hope you are ok OP, this is a horrible situation for you

I’m so sorry OP. The silver lining is that now you have your answer and you can move on to living your own life with the level of respect you deserve.

The most important thing, I think, is that you respect yourself enough, because clearly he hasn’t and that’s the one thing you can control.

He has behaved horribly, and so has she. It may be worth getting in touch with her husband, partly because he deserves to know as much as you deserved it, and partly because he may be able to offer you more information if you’re after it.

Fresh start for yourself begins now- he can do what he wants with himself 😊

Just remember as well that this can’t be minimised. Whatever he was messaging about was clearly so incriminating to him that he’d rather you thought he was having an affair, and left him for it, than have you see the truth. If he pretends that he’s relented in a few days and lets you check, you can be sure it’s because he’s fabricated something or permanently deleted the incriminating ones.

Unless, of course, he “comes clean”- but you now can’t trust a word he says because he’ll be planning his excuses. He has cheated and he knows it is more than you’d forgive.