To be annoyed with siblings?

[Kardelen]

So, I am the youngest of 3. I currently live together with parents, DH and DS (who is 2) and 39 weeks pregnant. living together due to parents decision- feeling lonely etc, and there is space so it wasn’t an issue.

my older sister lives just next door. And another brother a few mins away by car.
after ds I reduced my hours to work part time so I can care for him. And now just starting mat leave. My sister is a stay at home mum, with her youngest aged 14.
I’ve been the one who takes parents to their appts normally ( quite a few) and had to change my shifts to work a way round it. Everytime I asked my siblings to take either it’s a work excuse or medical terminology excuse/child care excuse.

i also used to try take dm out for fresh air/shopping etc. but now I’m finding it difficult to even drive while pregnant, or just going out with a energetic toddler on my own and with dm. I feel bad as Im
struggling and can’t take her out anymore with ds on top.

so many times I suggested to my sister whether she can take mum with her when she goes out so that she can just get a bit of fresh air. Mum is independent mobilises with stick, so not much issues with mobility. However sister always finds excuses. Today I asked her again if she is doing anything and that if she goes out whether she can tell mum too ( even to Tesco). However, she replied saying are you not going anywhere? This annoyed me and I just released my frustration by saying you should also take her out sometimes, and how I am struggling atm.

i think she got offended, but I feel really overwhelmed that I have been left to do everything. am I being unreasonable?

Dm also wants to go out which makes me more sad.

Can't your mum ask her herself? See what she says then

I just don’t know why she can’t either. She expects them to

If your mum can get around herself why does she need someone to take her out?

Sounds like you need to find your own space. Stay within the area so you can still support your mum but otherwise you will be expected to be her full time carer with no support from your siblings for the rest of her days... they'll expect a full share of the house etc when she's gone though likely leaving you homeless... (apologies if I sound too cynical)

Your siblings see it as your job. They're probably under the impression that you've been given cheap or free lodgings to be their carer. Even of this was the case, they are being very neglectful if they can even take your mum out for a drive.

Today I asked her again if she is doing anything and that if she goes out whether she can tell mum too ( even to Tesco). However, she replied saying are you not going anywhere?

No I am not.
Can you take your mother out or not?

Unfortunately you have chosen have your parents live with you and fallen into this routine. Your siblings didn’t choose this.

If your parents lived independently they might not visit regularly, take them out etc but that’s their choice and as unfair as it feels you can’t do anything about it.

I don’t really understand this “living together due to parents decision- feeling lonely etc, and there is space so it wasn’t an issue.”

Is your dad sick? I feel like I’m missing some detail.

YABVU.

you should also take her out sometimes

This isn’t fair. She shouldn’t have to if she doesn’t want to. Nobody should feel morally obligated to care for their parents in old age, including you.

If you are struggling, stop doing it. Don’t place the blame elsewhere.

Yeah 100%. Current place we are renting ( me and dh cover), but the other place db and wife always mentions how their share should be given etc.

It’s just if I try move out now, ( we did during covid), dm was really saddened. She also got diagnosed with cancer, so I just feel like I can’t. And if anything it’ll get worse.

she can Walk around in area but sometimes her leg does giveaway, so i don’t think she wants to go alone. Father doesn’t go out either so he’s out the box too. Also doesn’t drive and there are no good transport links in the area.

They are not being neglectful. They are not her carers and are well within their rights to say no.

Why is your mum relying on any of you to take her places?
You said she's mobile. Is there no public transport in your area?

You're all adults. I don't expect my adult kids to drive me around outside some kind of emergency.

As you're living with them, it'd be nice to offer when it's no great inconvenience, but it sounds like your mother is becoming dependent on you all. Your siblings are adults with their own homes and their own lives. They're not mum's taxi service for her or you to expect on a regular basis.

I can see why your parents encouraged you to move in. They see you as their carers now.
Why does your dad not go out?

Your siblings are dealing with the situation in a healthy way. It would be nice if they helped occasionally, but it sounds as though there's an unhealthy expectation on your parents' part, that they don't want to get sucked into.

You have chosen to live with your parents. I am also assuming you are benefiting financially from this decision, hence you being able to cut your hours. Whether your sister is a SAHM or not, it is not up to you to instruct her how to use her time. Does sound like her view is you moved in and you can suck it up.

Also doesn’t drive and there are no good transport links in the area.

They should have foreseen this and planned for how they would live in their old age.

They didn’t, and now they’re stuck and expecting their kids to look after them. It isn’t your job.

@MelaniesFlowers I completely agree with you. OP: you can't expect other people to have the same type of relationship with somebody as you do.

Maybe your siblings don't enjoy your parents' company? Maybe they are more focused on their own lives? Maybe they are better at drawing their own boundaries?

I tend to say the same phrase in instances like this: your inability to draw adequate boundaries is not your siblings' problem. It's yours. You have no right to expect other people to behave in ways you deem to be best or to take the load off you because you can't say no.

It sounds like your parents have become very dependent on you. What you have done is a lovely thing but you need your own space. You have your own husband and now 2 kids. Does your husband mind your parents staying? I love my parents a lot and always make time for them but the thought of moving them in when I’ve got my own DH and baby on the way just because they’re lonely makes me cringe a bit.
You now feel inclined to constantly take your mum out all the time and are not having your own life. Yeah I do think your siblings should make an effort but their reasons are valid. Maybe deep down they also feel like you’ve become your parents carer.

So I shouldn’t feel obliged either? As I am not the carer? I feel that it’s more of a moral obligation. Because my parents went out their way multiple times for them, including looking after their children for free, or giving out large amounts of money- ( still waiting for them to pay). I don’t think parents were obliged to look after or give money towards adult children but I agree it was their own choice. But as it has been done, I believe they should give something back too.
and still my parents are there to support them in different ways, I.e till last year my dad was driving my sister around to shops because she had no car.

Maybe I’m wrong I don’t know. Maybe just feeling overwhelmed with the whole situation as I can’t really do anything about it

No, of course you shouldn’t feel obligated either. There is no moral obligation, that is something you are putting on yourself.

Your parents chose to have children and care for them. It doesn’t go the other way round; you are not there to care for your parents.

You need to put healthy boundaries in place like your siblings have.

I hate this idea that adult children are beholden to their parents once they get old. Especially if one of their children decides it might be nice to take on the role and then expects others to fall in line.
There are many, many reasons they might not want to - and even family don’t know those individual reasons.

Why the need to mention your sister’s child’s age? Sounds like you feel her child is too old for her to be a SAHM and she should now offer up time to a caring role.
As an older daughter, has she potentially shouldered some of the “responsibility” for caring in previous years?

Why did you think moving in was a good idea?

If, as a family, you all feel family care is important than hold a meeting where things are set out in stone and you lay out your position.
You can’t ask people on the off to help out here and there and see that as a long term solution to something which is clearly bothering you.

If you want a decent solution, have a meeting with your siblings. Discuss the care you think your parents require and tell them the following:

• what kind of care you’re currently providing
• what kind of care your parents require
• how you best feel those needs can be met
• how your ability to provide care is changing
• if you need non-family help

Then have an open forum to discuss what can be done. Keeping in mind your siblings might not want a caring role for a variety of reasons.

Could your parents be involved in later discussions?

It is clear you’re angry and upset about your siblings but you need to go to them with a larger proposal/discussion about their care rather than a passive aggressive “can you take mum today?” hint every now and then.
Be prepared for “no” as it is a valid reply.

You can do something about it. You’re choosing not to.

I think I need to change the way I think, I.e not feel bad about not taking out etc. as I can only do whatever I am capable of?

maybe then I would feel less overwhelmed

I think you're getting a hard time on here which doesn't surprise me as its Mumsnet for you.

I dont think you're in the wrong. I do everything for my Mum and my brother does nothing. It's so annoying. I dont ask him to I just leave him to it, he's the one who will live with the regret of not doing things with her, I already hear him say stuff about he's missing out but that's his choice.

You're not unreasonable to ask that when they are nipping to Tesco could they just consider her and see if she wants to go. But people on Mumsnet will tell you that you are extremely unreasonable and that you're being a brat... x

@Hydie yes this was my exact thoughts to begin with when I posted! and the most annoying thing is they still expect mum/dad to help them out when they need it, but don’t give anything in return.

I also do many favours for their children now, but again they forget so quickly and move on. So maybe I should just stop caring, I don’t know.