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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH constantly asking when I’m going out?

69 replies

Threeyearslater · 10/02/2023 10:36

DH WFH some of the week. I have a baby and toddler.

We do actually get out a fair bit, go to a class every morning and walk in the afternoon if the weather is OK. If not we might do soft play or library.

So DH is constantly asking when I’m going out. This morning our class doesn’t start until 11, so didn’t have to leave until in about ten mins. I’ve been asked 3 times if I’m still here, is the class cancelled, when I’m going.

I think he is just making conversation but it’s starting to annoy me and make me feel like I’m being sent out of the house. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bobbybobbins · 10/02/2023 11:26

I would suggest that he works elsewhere 3 days a week - there might be a hub nearby he can go to. If he doesn't want to he needs to shut up!

Getthefiregoing · 10/02/2023 11:39

We live in a tiny flat. My husband works from home and has done so for years, long before the pandemic. He had his way of doing things, working away happily in the little box room office.

Since our toddler was born he has carried on exactly the same way except now he puts headphones in. He has managed to work and join remote team meetings whether I was at home with the baby or out. It would have driven me insane to be constantly asked where I was going and what time I was leaving.

Some days I just didn't (and still don't!) feel up to going out and we stayed at home. He is always on hand to help me at the drop of a hat if I need it throughout the day. That's the kind of support working from home should enable. Not being pestered about your plans every single day.

Tell him that even if he doesn't mean it, he's making you feel unwelcome at home. He needs to put headphones in and crack on.

BrightSaturn · 10/02/2023 11:46

closingscore · 10/02/2023 11:22

My "D" H used to do this all the time. I later found out it was because he wanted to watch porn. Sorry if that's not helpful 😳

God that’s depressing on his part.

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 10/02/2023 11:46

SecondClassmyass · 10/02/2023 11:10

If your husband my dp or what?
-what time are you leaving?
-how long will you take to get ready before you leave?
-what time are you back?
-wait for me, I will send one email and walk out with you
-what’s the plan Stan? And you leaving now?
-what time are you leaving so I can time it with my coffee walk
-let me know when you back so I will meet you on the street and get a coffee

this and more in one average day. This has started since covid and wfh

Does your DP's line manager not question the lack of work being done?!

Porkyporkchop · 10/02/2023 11:48

Write it on a piece of paper and keep holding it up when he asks, making no eye contact

Backtoreality1 · 10/02/2023 12:31

Try turning the tables....everytime he asks you, ask him when he is going to do his work, when will he be emptying the trash, what does he plan to make for tea, will he be shopping for the ingredients tonight.....and on and on. Try and plan as many in your head as you can that follow each other so that he (hopefully) gets the message!

Dillydollydingdong · 10/02/2023 12:36

Tell him to put a shed/studio in the back garden where he can work in peace (assuming you have a garden?)

Emus · 10/02/2023 12:39

My answer to him would be "the house is mine and kids office - you have an office - either use that or find a space locally you can use". He can change his situation, you cannot.

Original poster
Threeyearslater · 10/02/2023 12:42

@SecondClassmyass yep, this was my life for 12 months +. I’m so glad he’s back in the office for two days a week!

OP posts:
CloudPop · 10/02/2023 12:48

Saw something the other day that I thought was quite true - when working from home becomes living at work 😞

CosyKnits · 10/02/2023 12:53

YANBU at all but I wonder if he's like me. If DH tells me he's going out while I'm WFH, I find it hard to settle/concentrate until he's out the door. I don't know why.

However, I recognise this is my issue and don't cross-question DH as to when he's actually leaving. Your DH should leave you to get at your own pace!

Original poster
Threeyearslater · 10/02/2023 12:57

I think you can definitely sense one another’s presence, even in an entirely separate part of the house.

OP posts:
AnyMucca · 10/02/2023 13:00

From experience this smells like an affair. Does he ring you when you're out to check when you'll be back?

RedHelenB · 10/02/2023 13:00

BringMeTea · 10/02/2023 10:44

That would annoy me. He is out of order.

He's also bringing the money in and needs quiet to do his job properly. I don’t see how wfh works if you've got kids at home.

Original poster
Threeyearslater · 10/02/2023 13:01

It won’t be an affair!

We both ‘bring money’ in.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 10/02/2023 13:02

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/02/2023 10:49

YANBU. This is a massive problem with WFH - I can think of half a dozen households where mothers and children are under quiet, friendly pressure to live very quietly and spend as much time as possible outside their own home because their husband is WFH.

Yes, or on night shift.

My DH used to ask why I was home so early sometimes-well, I am allowed to come home, aren't I? I think he was just basically asking me to let him know an ETA, which I now do.

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 10/02/2023 13:03

He is working from your home, you are not working from his office so if it's not working then he needs to find a new place to work

tattygrl · 10/02/2023 13:07

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 10/02/2023 13:03

He is working from your home, you are not working from his office so if it's not working then he needs to find a new place to work

This is the answer.

WFH is a great thing if the home and family benefits from that working person being home while working. WFH is not meant to be about turning anywhere the worker is into an office that has to be respected by everyone else. Home has to be home.

EthicalNonMahogany · 10/02/2023 13:10

@closingscore hahaha my first thought was "DH wants to have a cheeky wank"

JFDIYOLO · 10/02/2023 13:23

No you're not being unreasonable!!

This is your home, and your children's home, too.

His decision to WFH doesn't change that.

His work needs to fit around family life, not the other way round - it's the thing he's chosen to allow into your home.

He's chosen not to work in a shared local space or a cafe etc - this doesn't change the fact it's your family home.

If he was at work he'd be focussing on his tasks, while you focus on yours. Not constantly overseeing you.

So why is this different?

Is it noise - children, TV, hoovering?! = Get noise cancelling headphones / find a work specific place!

Does he not like his work and would rather be engaging with you all - but knows he needs to focus?

Is there a reason he needs you out of the house and to know when the coast is clear?

MaverickGooseGoose · 10/02/2023 13:23

DH teaches I am wfh. In the holidays he does whatever he wants with the kids and I don't get involved at all. I do have an 'office' though and just shut the door.

Your set up would drive me insane.

bonzaitree · 10/02/2023 13:31

Just tell him you’ll come and go as you please. If he doesn’t like that then he can work in a “we work” / cafe etc.

Paq · 10/02/2023 13:39

He obviously wants to do stuff that necessitates you being out of the house: could be watching Loose Women, gaming, wanking, pooing with the door open, morris dancing, cross dressing, rehearsing Shakespearean monologues, practicing mandarin or summoning up the spirit of his late uncle Brian to get the racing tips.

You need a hidden camera 😉

Original poster
Threeyearslater · 10/02/2023 13:41

To be honest, I don’t think it is that. I think it’s just a conversation - he knows I normally do go out so was ‘just asking’ as he’d say.

But that doesn’t make it any less annoying!

OP posts:
Catwench · 10/02/2023 21:59

I’ve had mine working from home
for one day (today) and it’s drove me insane. He wouldn’t shut the door then kept complaining the toddler was stopping him working. I would have to tell him to stop asking or just write it down for him at the start of every day as if he’s anything like mine he genuinely doesn’t remember.