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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's being a bit selfish?

27 replies

Palmface · 10/02/2023 00:18

We have a 3mo, a 3yo and an 8yo. 3yo has been sick with gastro for the last 3 days, baby is super clingy and sleeping badly. Dh had to travel overnight for work during this time, which was unavoidable and it took him out of the house for a full 2 days with leaving at 5am and returning the next day at midnight. It has meant that I've solo parented for days now, listening to a screaming 3yo with tummy pains, and getting not a moment without being touched or cried at etc. It's been a shit show but I got through it.

Today dh is wfh and our 3yo is off preschool again because of his illness. I've asked dh for help to be with the baby a few times so I could put laundry on etc but have been met with stressed looks and "I'm so behind", and I feel like I'm just having to shoulder the whole burden of extra childcare and sickness and house work while he gets to just do his job. But it is his work so fair dues.

Then he tells me he needs to pop out for 90 mins to get his hair cut, drop off some ironing and some other non urgent thing and it made me really annoyed. He can take time out to do his own shit but not help me out when I'm at the end of my tether? I know it's not a competition of who is having the hardest time but it hurts when he makes time for his own things but not help me make time for what I need to do (which might be 10 minutes break from whinging kids or a shower on my own, not exactly self care..).

Aibu to think he has his priorities mixed up? Or am I just tired and angry and directing it at dh?

OP posts:
BabyOnBoard90 · 10/02/2023 00:20

If you're a SAHM probably slightly unreasonable.

OversizedJumperDress · 10/02/2023 00:21

Nope, YANBU.

Strugglingtodomybest · 10/02/2023 00:25

What time does he finish work? I'd go out for 90 minutes then.

PaleGreenFrontDoor · 10/02/2023 00:26

BabyOnBoard90 · 10/02/2023 00:20

If you're a SAHM probably slightly unreasonable.

How do you work that out then? Because SAHM means being everyones shit slave, and not entitled to ask the Big Man for some help and a break?

Original poster
Palmface · 10/02/2023 00:26

Strugglingtodomybest · 10/02/2023 00:25

What time does he finish work? I'd go out for 90 minutes then.

Good shout.

OP posts:
HollaHolla · 10/02/2023 00:28

I’d say that if he’s doing his work, YABU. The going out on non urgent errands is him being unreasonable. Can you speak with him calmly, once the kids are in bed, and work something out for tomorrow?
good luck.

Original poster
Palmface · 10/02/2023 00:31

PaleGreenFrontDoor · 10/02/2023 00:26

How do you work that out then? Because SAHM means being everyones shit slave, and not entitled to ask the Big Man for some help and a break?

Show quote history

I was going to say the same, but worried I would sound defensive. Thanks for the validation

OP posts:
Hydie · 10/02/2023 00:33

When he's working it's best to pretend he's in the office. Work is work, so unless he's taking carers leave or similar then he's working.

Hair cut, if he needs his hair cut he needs his hair cut. Ironing, if he needs his work gear ironing......

Just pop out yourself when he's finished work and he is home. I dont think he's done anything wrong as he couldn't avoid working away. But just pop out yourself and get your time.

GrumpyPanda · 10/02/2023 00:33

BabyOnBoard90 · 10/02/2023 00:20

If you're a SAHM probably slightly unreasonable.

She has a 3 month old, so she's presumably on maternity leave, not a house elf. Damn straight H ought to pitch in.

Dijoduo · 10/02/2023 00:34

I think YABU (a bit). He’s doing his job and you’re doing yours - both sound stressful. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to ask him to not do the non-urgent thing right now though. When he gets time when he’s not working, ask him to take over with the children so you can relax and take a bath or whatever.

BabyOnBoard90 · 10/02/2023 00:34

PaleGreenFrontDoor · 10/02/2023 00:26

How do you work that out then? Because SAHM means being everyones shit slave, and not entitled to ask the Big Man for some help and a break?

Show quote history

If he's working then clearly there's no slave in story.

Sorry OP YABU

BumpySkull · 10/02/2023 00:35

Palmface · 10/02/2023 00:31

I was going to say the same, but worried I would sound defensive. Thanks for the validation

Show quote history

So, right from the off, you’re intending to disagree with everyone who thinks YABU. Why even ask?! 😂

Original poster
Palmface · 10/02/2023 00:36

Hydie · 10/02/2023 00:33

When he's working it's best to pretend he's in the office. Work is work, so unless he's taking carers leave or similar then he's working.

Hair cut, if he needs his hair cut he needs his hair cut. Ironing, if he needs his work gear ironing......

Just pop out yourself when he's finished work and he is home. I dont think he's done anything wrong as he couldn't avoid working away. But just pop out yourself and get your time.

I think the issue is that he's plonked himself on the kitchen counter to work, so appears semi available or at least present? I think that might be contributing to my rage and that's not reasonable but he should get out of the main room of the house. Forgot to mention that earlier

OP posts:
Travelfan2021 · 10/02/2023 00:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
Palmface · 10/02/2023 00:37

GrumpyPanda · 10/02/2023 00:33

She has a 3 month old, so she's presumably on maternity leave, not a house elf. Damn straight H ought to pitch in.

Show quote history

Yep on mat leave. I do have a well paid career to go back to at some point but not sure that was worth mentioning here bc for all intents and purposes I'm doing a sahm role right now

OP posts:
Dijoduo · 10/02/2023 00:38

PaleGreenFrontDoor · 10/02/2023 00:26

How do you work that out then? Because SAHM means being everyones shit slave, and not entitled to ask the Big Man for some help and a break?

Show quote history

How does looking after your own children whilst your husband is working make you a “shit slave”? He’s working. WFH does not mean “sit on your arse doing nothing from home” - why do people on mumsnet seem to be completely unable to grasp this concept?

Original poster
Palmface · 10/02/2023 00:39

BumpySkull · 10/02/2023 00:35

So, right from the off, you’re intending to disagree with everyone who thinks YABU. Why even ask?! 😂

Show quote history

Am I disagreeing with everyone though?

OP posts:
BumpySkull · 10/02/2023 00:40

Palmface · 10/02/2023 00:39

Am I disagreeing with everyone though?

Show quote history

You literally said you wanted to.

TheLostGiraffe · 10/02/2023 00:41

Obviously you can't expect him to help during work hours. He should have used lunch break to help you though not to run non-urgent errands and he should obviously take over after wirk to give you the evening free with him having been away for two days and presumably had nice relaxing evenings after work in a hotel with undisrupted sleep.

TheLostGiraffe · 10/02/2023 00:42

If 3 year old is still ill tomorrow and you're still exhausted suggest he takes annual leave then you can manage it all together.

Hydie · 10/02/2023 00:42

Palmface · 10/02/2023 00:36

I think the issue is that he's plonked himself on the kitchen counter to work, so appears semi available or at least present? I think that might be contributing to my rage and that's not reasonable but he should get out of the main room of the house. Forgot to mention that earlier

Show quote history

Yes he should tuck himself away into separate space, not plonk himself right in the middle of you all.

Shamoo · 10/02/2023 00:44

I can only assume people can’t read. He won’t give you 10 minutes to help with a poorly baby but can find 90 minutes to go for a hair cut and get some ironing done. That’s incredibly selfish.

Work is work (although I wfh in a very senior job and it’s pretty rare I can’t find 5 or 10 mins over a morning to help with a task - bet he has time to make a cup of tea or two). but a haircut can bloody wait!

deeperthanallroses · 10/02/2023 00:47

I don’t treat mat leave as the same as a sahm for what it’s worth. Mat leave is necessary to take care of baby and it’s bloody hard work; so can being a sahm but in general children go to bed at night in the way babies don’t and don’t need 1:1 care 24 h a day the same way young babies do. I expect support from my husband to do all the housework etc while I’m on mat leave until baby starts sleeping and I start functioning like a human being. I do a lot of course and all the daily children stuff but he still has to do stuff too. I agree you should go take 90 minutes personal time as soon as work is over. Guarantee he had that time while travelling away too.

aloris · 10/02/2023 00:48

Being on maternity leave doesn't mean you become the 24/7 slave of everyone else in the family. That is, sometimes it does mean that, but only if the OTHER PARENT isn't doing their part of the parenting. Having a wife on maternity leave doesn't mean you get to just pretend like you're not a dad until the hard part maternity leave is over.

During the workday, he's not available, fair enough. Minute 5 pm hits, hand over the kids and bye-eeee!

bikeonthepro · 10/02/2023 01:12

Clearly he should work in a separate room out of the way during his working hours. He's unreasonable to go for a haircut outside of those hours when you're desperate for a break.