Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I don’t need to send a thank you card?

49 replies

Movingsoon21 · 09/02/2023 16:26

My mum is obsessed with thank you cards. She was always strict about sending them when we were children, which I agree with, but she’s carried on haranguing us about sending them now we are adults (all in our 30s). For all birthdays, Christmas etc, she will say, “what did Auntie X get you? Have you sent her a thank you yet?” Etc.

it’s getting quite annoying, especially as I’m always really good at sending them promptly (thanks to my training!), most people are happy with a text these days anyway and it really bothered me when she kept asking me about it after I’d just had a baby and she wanted to make sure I’d sent thank yous to everyone for presents before I’d recovered from my c-section.

anyway, the other day she was looking after my DC, age 1, (which I am very grateful for), and she took her round to visit an elderly neighbour. I didn’t know she was going to do this, not a problem but just to be clear it wasn't something I arranged or asked her to do. While they were there, the neighbour very kindly gave DD a small teddy, which was very sweet of her. I don’t know if she bought it especially or just happened to have one and give it to her. Mum is obviously now banging on about writing a thank you letter for this teddy, but I don’t know the woman, have never met her, am unlikely to meet her and I have a thousand other things on my plate atm (including a house move and job interviews).

AIBU to tell mum to stop going on about these bloody letters and not send one on this occasion?

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 09/02/2023 16:27

Tell her in the modern age a text or email is fine.

Then go for broke and say that if she keeps going on about it you'll cut off all contact with her because... why not.

KangarooKenny · 09/02/2023 16:29

A text is fine now.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 09/02/2023 16:30

Tell your mother to write it herself. She is revelling in the kudos of having such a well brought up child (you! ) reflecting well on her! Thank you cards are well over the top. Maybe for a wedding present!

AnotherSpare · 09/02/2023 16:33

I do think thank you notes are important, however, in this case I think it needs to come from your mum. This is someone your mum knows not you, your mum arranged the visit not you, you don't know the person, it's your mum's responsibility to say thank you.
Then, tell your mum politely but firmly to stop harassing you about thank you notes! Remind her that you are old enough to be responsible for yourself.

SunshineAndFizz · 09/02/2023 16:34

"Mum I think it would be much better if you did this one, I don't know her and she only gave the teddy because of you. It'll mean much more to her coming from you."

JudgeRudy · 09/02/2023 16:35

Thank you letters are antiquated now but can be resurrected for special occasions ....a bit like a wedding invite. It's not really needed but some people enjoy the personal touch. Intros instance I certainly wouldn't bother. This would really grind my gears. Occasionally my mum does similar things and the conversations are cyclic....Mum...Do/don't do this,
Me Hmm I disagree,
Mum What will people think,
Me, I don't really care
Mum well you should care. It'll be really awkward when I see XYZ
Mr Oh....so this is actually about how you feel...

It's almost like shame by proxy. I ensure I plonk that one back where it belongs. If you would like to write a note/card do so. Throw your mum a wild card and ask for 'Joan's' number so you can ring her! Bet she won't give you it.

Acheyknees · 09/02/2023 16:36

My mother is exactly the same!! It's so irritating, she's more bothered about the thank you than the present itself. She once made a special journey to us to drop off a present her sister had bought my DD. When I asked why she made the journey as we were seeing her at the weekend, it was because she didn't want to delay the thank you card!!

Sux2buthen · 09/02/2023 16:38

Thankyou notes are a waste of resources. Just more crap to file or recycle. A text or a thanks at the time of receiving is absolutely fine

FraterculaArctica · 09/02/2023 16:39

My DF does this (and I am mid 40s). "Have you sent a birthday card/thank you card to your aunt (his DSiS)/ your stepmother (his DWife)?" Makes me so angry. I've been an adult for decades, trust me to run my own relationships with other adults in the family!

Sistanotcista · 09/02/2023 16:41

AnotherSpare · 09/02/2023 16:33

I do think thank you notes are important, however, in this case I think it needs to come from your mum. This is someone your mum knows not you, your mum arranged the visit not you, you don't know the person, it's your mum's responsibility to say thank you.
Then, tell your mum politely but firmly to stop harassing you about thank you notes! Remind her that you are old enough to be responsible for yourself.

Totally agree with this. This was your mother's outing, planned and executed by her. The "thank you" note sits squarely in her remit!

Malariahilaria · 09/02/2023 16:47

I stopped all but digital communication about 5 years ago. The costs of stamps for xmas plus the wife work expectation got to me. No-one is pestering men to send all these cards . You can get quite creative now taking a photo of child with said gift and overlaying with text and hug emojis. Quick and better for the environment.

LoveMAFS · 09/02/2023 16:48

YABVU it's lovely to receive a little card of thanks.

Spendonsend · 09/02/2023 16:49

I have a few relatives that are very focussed on thank you cards from my children to other relatives.. I suddenly realised that these people dont send thank you cards to my children for the little gifts they give. They chose little things like soap and wrap them up themselves.

Justalittlebitduckling · 09/02/2023 16:50

We are a big on thank you notes family, and it drives me nuts when my DP doesn’t write them to my grandma or DM when they send him money for his birthday. But I agree with you there is no need in that particular example.

Swimswam · 09/02/2023 17:52

Surely your Mum should write the note? Your DC can’t - they are 1. you were not present when the gift was given. Your Mum was in loco parentis so it her job to write and send the card.

Lkydfju · 09/02/2023 17:55

Tell her you’re an adult and you’ll make decisions about thank you cards for yourself and your child. Don’t get into discussions about if you should or shouldn’t, just be clear that it’s no longer her role.

UdoU · 09/02/2023 17:57

Tell her she should send the thank you card if she wants to because she was the one who decided to take dd there.

SirenSays · 09/02/2023 17:57

If you don't want to then just refuse, but you probably could have written it in the time it took to post this.

McConkeysPlate · 09/02/2023 17:59

My children and myself write them for older members of the family. I only realised how much they meant when clearing my Nans house after she died and she had kept them all from when I was a child 😭

Copperfield27 · 09/02/2023 18:00

You suggest time is an issue but then write a long MN message. In the time it took to write that could you not have done a quick card? I agree that for most people an email is fine but for elderly peeps a card might be more practical.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/02/2023 18:02

I loathe the whole concept of thank you cards/letters and I would rather not exchange gifts at all than buy into some expectation minefield about how grateful I should be.

I think the worst part of it, as a child, was my mum's insistence that all my letters had to be unique and individually personalised to every family member and name check the item received as well as making reference to something personal to the family of the giver. It wasn't good enough to just scrawl "Thank you for the mittens, I hope you had a good christmas, love Furiosa" - it had to read like it came from Jane Eyre 🙄

My mum stopped buying my DS xmas and birthday presents after I didn't force him to write thank you letters 2yrs running. He didn't notice because they were always awful anyway.

phoenixrosehere · 09/02/2023 18:07

Why are you meant to write it when your mum should be doing so?

Your mum chose to go to someone’s home that you don’t know.

The person is your mum’s neighbour who chose to give a gift to your child.

You have little involvement so why are you supposed to send a thank you card?

Why can’t your mum do it?

phoenixrosehere · 09/02/2023 18:11

For all of those saying she could have written one, why should her mother not have done so considering her mum was there when the gift was received, knows the neighbour, while OP does not. Her mum couldn’t have written it without involving OP in the first place. It was actually unnecessary to involve OP since she was not there and doesn’t know the person or their details.

phoenixrosehere · 09/02/2023 18:11

phoenixrosehere · 09/02/2023 18:11

For all of those saying she could have written one, why should her mother not have done so considering her mum was there when the gift was received, knows the neighbour, while OP does not. Her mum couldn’t have written it without involving OP in the first place. It was actually unnecessary to involve OP since she was not there and doesn’t know the person or their details.

*could have

ReamsOfCheese · 09/02/2023 18:12

LoveMAFS · 09/02/2023 16:48

YABVU it's lovely to receive a little card of thanks.

There's the sort of bat guano I live for on MN!
OP I can sympathise, I have a MIL like this. It's just so irritating (as is the deluge of recycling cards she sends our way for every non-event). I joke with DH that she has shares in Hallmark or Clinton's.