To think I don’t need to send a thank you card?

[Movingsoon21]

My mum is obsessed with thank you cards. She was always strict about sending them when we were children, which I agree with, but she’s carried on haranguing us about sending them now we are adults (all in our 30s). For all birthdays, Christmas etc, she will say, “what did Auntie X get you? Have you sent her a thank you yet?” Etc.

it’s getting quite annoying, especially as I’m always really good at sending them promptly (thanks to my training!), most people are happy with a text these days anyway and it really bothered me when she kept asking me about it after I’d just had a baby and she wanted to make sure I’d sent thank yous to everyone for presents before I’d recovered from my c-section.

anyway, the other day she was looking after my DC, age 1, (which I am very grateful for), and she took her round to visit an elderly neighbour. I didn’t know she was going to do this, not a problem but just to be clear it wasn't something I arranged or asked her to do. While they were there, the neighbour very kindly gave DD a small teddy, which was very sweet of her. I don’t know if she bought it especially or just happened to have one and give it to her. Mum is obviously now banging on about writing a thank you letter for this teddy, but I don’t know the woman, have never met her, am unlikely to meet her and I have a thousand other things on my plate atm (including a house move and job interviews).

AIBU to tell mum to stop going on about these bloody letters and not send one on this occasion?

Can I ask whether thank you cards for Christmas are needed if you have also sent them Christmas presents? My DPs entire family (aunties I have never met) send me Christmas presents and birthday money. I send them thank you cards for the birthday money, but seeing as he/I organise Christmas presents - this is a no card needed situation right? As it’s an exchange?

Hehe, MIL is like this but it's got to be a phone call. She brings a list of numbers.

DH spends Boxing Day ringing half of her neighbours thanking them for the kids selection box. He's not a clue who they are 🤣🤣

Tell mil it's her duty to do this thank you card & she can note in it that you were very touched by the gesture also

I don't see why a thank you note is needed in this case anyway. I expect your mum thanked her there and then? No follow up thank you is required!

A text is usually fine but it’s an elderly person who more than anyone else would love a thank you note most likely. Your mum chittering on would annoy tf out of me too (my control freak mother does it too, infuriating) but tbh on this occasion I would take the two minutes to write thank you so much for your kind gift, dd loves it. Then tell your mum to stop going on at you as it’s driving you round the bend.

Well in this instance it seems that you don't even know this person and the meeting with her was at the instigation of your mother. So she is the one who should be writing any thank you cards if she is so keen on them.

For future reference, I would stop letting her push you around regarding thank you cards. Tell her bluntly when she starts that you have thanked the giver in person, by text, in a phone call etc. and that is the end of it. You see no need to send an unnecessary card and won't be doing so.

YABU if this lady was kind to
your dc then a small handwritten card would be a lovely gesture. Sounds as if she is of the generation for which these things matter.

Nope. No cards fir anything other than if I actually gave something I really want to say. Like a sympathy card perhaps. Otherwise it's just wasting resources to continue an outdated practice. All that paper wastage and vehicle emissions to send out wasteful little bits of tat. A well my meaning text/WhatsApp is the appropriate method of communication. Why in heavens name do people think the old outdated way is better?

She doesn't know the woman and has never met her. That is clear from the OP.

I wouldn't write a card to someone I didn't know and whose details I didn't even have. I'd assume that OP's mum knows the person and thanked her at the time. I'd say that it's also on the mum to write one of her beloved thank you cards if she deems it necessary.

I voted YABU.

I'm not British and find the obsession on here with thank you cards to be way OTT. But I do think new baby gifts are one of those major life events where thank you cards are warranted (if not necessarily quickly!). In particular for an elderly neighbour who's gone out of her way, that was very kind of her and I'd be very touched.

Yeah, this. Stop giving that sort of stupidity any space at all.

JenniferBarkley it's not a new baby

Hmm yeah ok I've read. Think I read one year old and thought "baby". Sorry OP, I'll change my vote - if it was a "token cos you've called round" rather than "token because of your new baby" then it's another example of your mum being crackers

No need at all. I've recieved about 4 thank you cards in my life. On all occasions I've thought 'ah sweet, but how unnecessary' and binned them.

The only person I send thank you cards to is my 101 year old great aunt. Purely because she doesn't have a mobile to text and almost deaf, so calling to thank her is harder than getting blood from a stone.

@Freebiesbehindcrowsfloors that’s the sort of thing my mum says and it makes me feel guilty!

@SunshineAndFizz yes! Thank you! I’m going to try that one on her tomorrow! Will let you know how I get on…

@Acheyknees that’s ridiculous! You have my sympathy!

@Sux2buthen I don’t have the lady’s email or phone number (unsurprisingly as I’ve never met her!). Mum was also asking me to pop round with the card in person! 😮

@SirenSays true, but it’s the cumulative effect of all the ones she wants me to write!

Good luck! 😊

I don't do Thank-you cards

It's a terrible waste for the environment

Nor do we do Xmas cards and rarely do birthday cards unless we're going to someones birthday party / meal out or it's my parents or DCs.

If gift opened with person there or given at the time, would thank them whilst we're there

For gifts opened later, we send a WhatsApp Thank-you message either written by DC/ teenager or a WhatsApp photo of child smiling with gift after opening it and the message

I'd be irritated by your mum. I'd ask her "but did you both not thank her at the time as it's rude not yo have?" That's your mums responsibility and if she wants to write a Thankyou card she can have at it. You don't even know these people and she's trying to force you buying, getting DD to write a card, and into knocking on their door - for a tiny teddy.
She's commandeering your time!

I'd just say "Mum you can write and send a card but it's not what we do in our family now."

Urrgh. Thank you letters.

Lovely in theory and, like gifts, very touching when given freely. When they're a chore and enforced to the nth degree they're meaningless.

I vividly remember as a child a particular relative, who would give gifts in person, we would open them and say a genuine thank you to their face. Then we'd get 3rd hand threats of 'no more presents' because they'd not had a letter. Even as a child I couldn't be doing with that sort of emotional blackmail and remember refusing to write on principle after about 13yo, quite happy to take the deal of no presents if it meant I didn't have to deal with trying to judge how many thank yous were sufficient.

Very interesting point above that these people never seem to send thank yous themselves, I certainly never got one for any gifts I've sent these particular relatives, even a quite expensive milestone birthday gift, now I think about it!

I agree with PP this one is one for your DM to write. Tell her you're appalled she hasn't already written a card, whatever must the neighbour think of her!

Another vote that in that situation is your mum’s job - if anyone’s.

Going against the grain as I actually think this is the time to write one.

You weren't there when your dd was given the gift.
You can't text her.
(A generalisation I know, but) she is probably of a generation that would appreciate a written note.
So now is the time to write a quick note and ask your Mum to pop it in.

Generally I agree with you, that most people don't need them now - there are so many other ways of communicating - but they are ways you can't use for this particular 'Thank You', so just write the note. It's hardly going to take long.

I'd just ask my Mum the name of the person who gave gift, then send the card. I sent little notelets. I buy a box of twenty and they last each year. Plus I like writing with my ink pen, and I always use it for thank you notelets.