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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Residential school

26 replies

starsparkle08 · 08/02/2023 19:15

Hi my sons 11.5 years old . Severe adhd with autism and tic disorder accompanied by very very challenging behaviours. These include threatening me with a knife and kitchen scissors . He’s also sexually inappropriate. Furthermore we have biting , pulling hair , pinching , kicking , hitting etc . I’ve just agreed for social worker to put his assessment out to the placement team for residential . It’s breaking my heart but he needs more than I can give as a single parent . He’s 2:1 in school , and out in the community with carers . Yet with me it’s just me . Am I bad have I made the wrong choice . He’s got an appointment with psychiatrist tomorrow , well I have via teams . She’s never met him , fortunately school are attending as he’s the same there behaviourally . I feel like I’m betraying my son but I can’t live with the behaviours 24/7 anymore

OP posts:

nilsmousehammer · 08/02/2023 19:22

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, how horrible for you.

Haven't been in this awful situation myself, but had a friend go through it, and while the guilt for her was awful, her son was happier and more settled in a 24/7 structured routine, he was safe, the other children in the family were safe, and she was able to enjoy contact with him rather than living in that endless stress and worry.

2reefsin30knots · 08/02/2023 19:32

You are absolutely not doing the wrong thing. You both need more support and a residential school can give you that. You will still be able to have a close relationship with him and he will have a tag-team of trained staff to give him the extra care he needs.

Choconut · 08/02/2023 19:34

I don't think you have any other choice but to do this, I can't imagine how difficult it is as a single parent. I think at this point that it would be remiss of you to not find a wonderful residential place for him, you both need this.

Beldam · 08/02/2023 19:36

It’s going to be ok.

Clymene · 08/02/2023 19:42

Absolutely not doing the wrong thing. He needs 2-1 and you are 1-1. Also he is only 11. As he gets older he will present increasing physical risk to you.

He needs you to be safe and well to advocate for him.

I'm so sorry, it sounds really hard.

RandomMess · 08/02/2023 19:44

You are not a bad Mum or person, his carers go home and have a break it's their job. That level of care is too much even for 2 parents unless they get a lot of regular decent respite.

Excited101 · 08/02/2023 19:45

A friend had her secondary aged son with ASD sent to a residential school who specialised in dyslexia, it was the absolute making of him. Doing the right and best thing for the child doesn’t always present as we might think. You’re doing your best, well done.

Dogcafedreamer · 08/02/2023 19:53

Bless you, it's for the best for you all

I'm so sorry

Christmaspyjamas · 08/02/2023 19:54

I am very wary of posting here after giving advice on a similar thread and being accused of being a jumped up lollipop lady. I'm not a lollipop lady.

I know quite a bit about residential schools for kids with SEMH and have spent time in many.

They generally work to a step-down programme..
Ie their goal is for your son to return to family living as soon as appropriate.

The facilities, rooms, activities, food etc are really good. Children form relationships with their peers and are given intensive help and therapy.

They mainly remain in close contact with family (obviously this isn't always appropriate but sounds like would be in your case) and there are visits home etc

It is an excellent opportunity for your son and the earlier he joins the better the chance for things to get on track.

Please be aware you can visit any appropriate schools (most authorities have a policy of placing in area unless there are reasons such as CSE or County lines) and you can express a preference as to school.

Most residential schools are part of large chains...you can Google and search, meet the principal and Head of Care, look at Ofsted reports.

Honestly I've visited several and they are happy places where children finally get the support as individuals.

This is not your fault...it is just your son needs more expert care right now and so you are getting it for him...sound like an excellent mum to me.

Untitledsquatboulder · 08/02/2023 19:54

Day to day he needs more support than you can give. He also needs a mum - and the best way for you to be a great mum to him is if the relationship between you is not broken and beaten down by you struggling alone to cope with his needs.

YukoandHiro · 08/02/2023 19:57

OP, I don't know much about SEN but from your post I can see you are doing an amazing thing for your child. You are finding the right place for them to develop as a teenager - somewhere they will be safe as they grow and both of you will be properly supported on the next stage of your journey as a family xxx

Thehonestbadger · 08/02/2023 19:58

I’m an ASD mum too but not at this stage yet luckily. If I were in your shoes I would do the same. No guilt. Xx

PotKettel · 08/02/2023 20:02

Look at it another way - this is you getting him specialised help to set him up for a more successful life. You aren’t abandoning him, you’re recalibrating to get him the best care and education

Loads of parents are happy to pay top dollar to send their kids to boarding school. It’s not everyone’s choice but many kids absolutely thrive away from home.

Give it a chance, nothing is forever.

BigotSpigot · 08/02/2023 20:03

An ASD mum but with a child with less needs. No guilt, this sounds like a very sensible solution and his needs will be better met. Also, as a single parent you really do need to prioritise your health and wellbeing to be able to take care of and advocate for your son in the longer term. If you are injured by him or break down as it is all too much you will be in a worse position.

x2boys · 08/02/2023 20:06

My friend.has had to.make this decision about a year ago.for her son who has complex disabilities,it wasent an easy decision but her son seems to be thriving ,my son has very different complex disabilities and we are not art that stage where we have to consider residential ,,it's a very personal.and individual choice ,but people have to do what's right for their family .

IlIlI · 08/02/2023 20:33

I have no experience so maybe I'm talking rubbish but I think the residential schools exist for a reason- they're very much needed.
Not just for him, but you too. When they're babies we're always told to look after ourselves as parents too, that they need us to be as well as possible for their sake too. I think a lot of parents forget that as their children grow up.
You are doing, alone, what others are doing in pairs part time. That's a lot to cope with.
At his residential school he will have support, probably lots of fun activities and toys he might not have regularly at home (like NT DC at a mainstream school wouldn't necessarily have a huge climbing frame and all the school playground toys and equipment at home) and you will have rest periods so that when you are with him you are able to do more as you aren't burning the candle at both ends so much.
You're feeling like this because you love him, but you're doing this because you love him too.

A neighbour I had growing up went to a residential school as we got to secondary school age and he thrived there. Always came back with stories of the cool things they had and did there. I think it was a good decision. His mum did do an amazing job with him but the school had the means to offer him even more.

Original poster

starsparkle08 · 08/02/2023 22:52

Thankyou everyone you’ve made me feel a lot better. I think I’ll break down when a placement is found though we’re just so close xx

OP posts:

Original poster

starsparkle08 · 08/02/2023 23:00

Despite all the challenging behaviours in between there are lovely moments 😞 it feels such a betrayal on my son . I no I’m making the right decision though just heart breaking

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 08/02/2023 23:01

It is the right decision.
Both you and he will settle to new routine ane thrive

Sharkpenis · 08/02/2023 23:46

Im in the exact situation with my DD. So scary and a constant worry

Stompythedinosaur · 08/02/2023 23:55

You are doing the right thing. He needs more care than any single person could offer. That isn't your fault, it isn't anyone's fault. Using a residential school doesn't mean you won't continue to be an excellent and involved parent.

HalfSiblingsMadeContact · 09/02/2023 00:27

Even if you'd had another adult at home, you would probably have been reaching the same point. Residential school placement may well allow you to maintain a much more positive relationship with your son.

Pretty different, but DD1, eventually diagnosed ASD, thrived on the routine of a boarding school environment from the age of 10. She loved that school was school and home was home (at least until exam years necessitated holiday revision lol!).

Very best wishes for the next steps on your journey, and I hope that you find yourselves in a place that allows your times together to be the positive ones with less of the negatives.

Thehonestbadger · 09/02/2023 05:56

sorry me again.

keep in mind that you’re not surrendering your parental rights by trying a residential placement. You’re trying something new that’s all. You’re looking at the current situation and saying ‘this isn’t working we need to try something else’ which I personally think is commendable and an example of you continually trying to meet your sons needs which aren’t being met currently.

If he doesn’t get on with residential school. If a few months into placement it just isn’t right and things aren’t improving for your son or you then you can bring him back. It’s not a done deal x

Original poster

starsparkle08 · 09/02/2023 09:40

Thankyou everyone for all the helpful replies

OP posts:

BNN86 · 29/09/2024 15:13

Hey, I’ve found myself in the heartbreaking position you wrote about last year. My daughter is 12, severely autistic with a feeding tube and epilepsy, I’ve had to accept that I’m not able to give her the life and opportunities she needs and deserves on my own anymore, and on my best day the maximum I can give her is basic care and comfort. Social have agreed it’s time for residential, as I have a 13 year old son and none of us have left the house for almost 7 years, other than to attend school or hospital appointments, my health is also declining and I can’t leave the home to get treatment.

I was just hoping to see how you guys are doing now and what your experience was after posting this. It broke my heart to read you say it feels like a betrayal, it’s so accurate and I can relate to that so much.

from one severe autism parent to another, you don’t know how much you’ve helped sharing your experience and the emotions that come with it.

you’re a GREAT parent, please never question that.

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