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Original poster

Senior colleague inappropriate messages

38 replies

LemonTuesday · 08/02/2023 18:30

My colleague (male) and I have been on good terms/ friendly for the past few years. He started to get a bit flirty over text and I foolishly didn't rebuff him, but I wasn't flirty back. However, it's starting to get too much now. He keeps messaging me in the morning saying "hi beautiful." And when I don't message back he sends loads of messages asking if I'm okay and what's wrong.

He's about 7 years older than me (and much higher up in the company) and I have to communicate with him for work purposes so I can't block him. He's also married.

He could make things difficult for me if he wanted to which is why I haven't explicitly told him to stop, but I have been ignoring the inappropriate messages and only replying to work stuff. So maybe I'm partially to blame, but I hate that I've got myself into this situation and now I'm not sure what to do.

He's tried to call me numerous times at 7/8pm at night. I never answer.

I'm not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 08/02/2023 18:32

Go to HR.

Burnamer · 08/02/2023 18:32

is there an HR function? What’s the structure of the company like?

WalterWitty · 08/02/2023 18:33

This sounds like a horrible situation to be in, really sorry. He is totally abusing his position though. How did he get your personal number?

Feel for you as it’s so uncomfortable to now have to raise it as inappropriate now. I think you need to use the word ‘inappropriate’ in a response to him at the earliest opportunity though to try and hold a mirror up to what he’s doing.

Original poster
LemonTuesday · 08/02/2023 18:34

Sorry I should have included that there's no HR department to go to. It's not a big company.

OP posts:
SunnySomer · 08/02/2023 18:34

Agreed. Straight to HR with the messages and your phone record. AND your concern that he could make things difficult for you.

Dacadactyl · 08/02/2023 18:36

If there's no HR, I'd go to the senior manager above him and complain.

If he is the senior manager, then I'd send uim a message saying, "please stop sending me these messages, it is making me uncomfortable. I would prefer if we kept things professional. Thanks"

canfor · 08/02/2023 18:37

You are not partly to blame, this is all on him. There's lots you can do. At the least, just continue to ignore the texts and calls that are not work related and feel zero guilt about this. Only you can judge company culture and his relative influence on your career, with the wisdom of age I would be telling him to desist very firmly - with a level of politeness, then if it continued, raising it with HR/your manager as sexual harassment and telling them to deal with it.

SunnySomer · 08/02/2023 18:37

Sorry just seen your update.
if he has a manager, go to them. OR to a more senior colleague who you trust.
Have a formal meeting and make a note of what’s discussed.

canfor · 08/02/2023 18:38

Sorry, saw your update, no HR means asking your manager to deal with it. Agree, try a senior colleague after telling him firmly to communicate in a professional manner only.

Hoplesscynic · 08/02/2023 18:44

He's made it so awkward for you and not having HR doesnt help :(

You could explain to him politely that this is making you very uncomfortable and remind him that he's married, you are colleagues, you are also dating someone/have a boyfriend (even if not true). If he continues then say "look you leave me no choice but to report you". Then report him to to his boss.

Original poster
LemonTuesday · 08/02/2023 18:44

Thanks everyone. He's very personable and everyone loves him. They would not expect this from him in a million years.

I didn't either, I thought we got along well and worked well together too. There's one person in management I could potentially speak too, but they are friends outside of work too. I feel really stuck.

OP posts:
wildseas · 08/02/2023 18:50

Would a little white lie help?

Could you say that someone else (parent / sister/ close friend?) has seen the messages when they borrowed your phone and has raised that they’re inappropriate. That you know his intentions aren’t inappropriate but that you’re now worried that other people might see it as such - I’m particularly his wife- and so can he think before he texts.

Or can you say that you’ve been working on your work - life balance and you’ve decided to turn off your phone outside work hours. Could he stop texting you?

something like that to soften it a bit and help him save face?

beautifulpaintings · 08/02/2023 18:52

OP tell him you've got a new practice of turning your phone off outside of work, to properly destress and get a good work life balance. Hammer the message home with a round robin email to all work mates if need be first/after. Then ignore him permanently outside of work and just ignore his messages until you're back in the office.

I'd say tell him to fuck off but as you say he's senior to you and could make life awkward.

Btw if he's doing this to you he's doing it to others. His reputation isn't as fuzzy and warm as you think it is, I'll bet.

Smineusername · 08/02/2023 19:00

Just reply - sorry I'm out with my boyfriend

Original poster
LemonTuesday · 08/02/2023 19:10

wildseas · 08/02/2023 18:50

Would a little white lie help?

Could you say that someone else (parent / sister/ close friend?) has seen the messages when they borrowed your phone and has raised that they’re inappropriate. That you know his intentions aren’t inappropriate but that you’re now worried that other people might see it as such - I’m particularly his wife- and so can he think before he texts.

Or can you say that you’ve been working on your work - life balance and you’ve decided to turn off your phone outside work hours. Could he stop texting you?

something like that to soften it a bit and help him save face?

Good idea, thank you!

OP posts:
ZorbaTheHoarder · 08/02/2023 19:17

How about sending something like:
"This is LemonTuesday's boyfriend here. Who the fuck are you?!
Might be worth a try.

Alternatively, "Please stop sending me these inappropriate and unprofessional messages. I am not interested."

That way, you have a record of asking him to stop.

I am sorry you are having to deal with his unpleasantness. It's really not on.

CantFindTheBeat · 08/02/2023 19:30

I understand how difficult this is, OP.

It shouldn't be, but in a firm with no proper HR function or protection, you really have to manage this yourself carefully ☹️

My advice is to remain friendly but neutral and steer them away from you.

Ignore as you've been doing.

When you have to acknowledge frequent missed calls, responses like 'hi there, I'm out with Steve (DH), all ok?

And 'I'm not back tonight, will call you tomorrow' etc (during work time) to any response.

WhenDovesFly · 08/02/2023 19:50

When he messages "Hi beautiful" in the morning and then follows up with "what's wrong", reply saying that your boyfriend has seen the messages (even if you don't have one) and it's causing difficulties for you. You can then follow on by saying you'd prefer it if he only contacts you about work during office hours, to keep things nice and professional.

LadyHarmby · 08/02/2023 19:54

Is this your personal phone he is texting? Can you not just block him and say all communication should be in work time and via work channels?

Original poster
LemonTuesday · 08/02/2023 20:04

Great ideas, thank you all.

The last time I replied to "what are you doing?" I said "I'm busy."

And he replied, "what are you busy with, princess?"

I feel sick 🤮 and I feel sorry for his wife. They have a 1 year old and she seems so lovely.

OP posts:
Original poster
LemonTuesday · 08/02/2023 20:05

Can't block him unfortunately. We all use WhatsApp to communicate about work stuff.

OP posts:
Parisj · 08/02/2023 20:16

How has he been in person after these Hi Beautiful messages? Is he being professional in person or pushing boundaries?
I don't know what I would do in the real world where he can make things difficult, but it will probably get worse if he thinks he can push you.

lopsees · 08/02/2023 20:23

"During work hours I will respond to work related messages. Please do not contact me out of hours."

LlynTegid · 08/02/2023 20:34

@lopsees agree 100%. I'd hope enough to get the message over.

XanaduKira · 08/02/2023 20:35

CantFindTheBeat · 08/02/2023 19:30

I understand how difficult this is, OP.

It shouldn't be, but in a firm with no proper HR function or protection, you really have to manage this yourself carefully ☹️

My advice is to remain friendly but neutral and steer them away from you.

Ignore as you've been doing.

When you have to acknowledge frequent missed calls, responses like 'hi there, I'm out with Steve (DH), all ok?

And 'I'm not back tonight, will call you tomorrow' etc (during work time) to any response.

I agree with this.

In addition, I'd screen shot all the messages so that you have them on record should you need proof at a future date & need to go to Acas (hopefully it'll never come to that).

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