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Original poster

Senior colleague inappropriate messages

38 replies

LemonTuesday · 08/02/2023 18:30

My colleague (male) and I have been on good terms/ friendly for the past few years. He started to get a bit flirty over text and I foolishly didn't rebuff him, but I wasn't flirty back. However, it's starting to get too much now. He keeps messaging me in the morning saying "hi beautiful." And when I don't message back he sends loads of messages asking if I'm okay and what's wrong.

He's about 7 years older than me (and much higher up in the company) and I have to communicate with him for work purposes so I can't block him. He's also married.

He could make things difficult for me if he wanted to which is why I haven't explicitly told him to stop, but I have been ignoring the inappropriate messages and only replying to work stuff. So maybe I'm partially to blame, but I hate that I've got myself into this situation and now I'm not sure what to do.

He's tried to call me numerous times at 7/8pm at night. I never answer.

I'm not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Habreathmint · 08/02/2023 20:38

He's a creepy cunt. Keep a record and print out of all communication. When he's busted he'll try and turn against you. These predatory creeps that 'everyone loves' make me sick. It's insidious sexual harassment.

DeeCeeCherry · 08/02/2023 20:44

I'm wondering if you're worried that HR will ask how/why he has your phone number. Its a shame, because if you make allegations against him then he's likely to do the same to you. Especially if he's now had your number for a while and you're only now going to HR.

He's Senior, you're not. Maybe you'll have to change jobs to get away from him. Sounds as if he's a valued member of staff. It is never, ever a good idea to be very friendly and flirty with colleagues, especially married ones that are senior to you. Even being very friendly can be taken as a 'come on' by men like him. Work professionalism from the outset is best.

Before you go to HR, message him in no uncertain terms tell him to stop messaging you please, and that you don't appreciate it. Then at least you have that message to hand

girlfriend44 · 08/02/2023 21:02

You shouldn't be answering anything that's not work related.

Hankunamatata · 08/02/2023 21:06

Ask him how his wife and baby is?

NeedToChangeName · 08/02/2023 21:09

Yuck, how sleazy

He's probably like this with other people too

"Let's agree to keep our language professional. You calling me princess makes me feel uncomfortable, and I don't want colleagues to get the wrong impression"

Actupfishy · 08/02/2023 21:27

DeeCeeCherry · 08/02/2023 20:44

I'm wondering if you're worried that HR will ask how/why he has your phone number. Its a shame, because if you make allegations against him then he's likely to do the same to you. Especially if he's now had your number for a while and you're only now going to HR.

He's Senior, you're not. Maybe you'll have to change jobs to get away from him. Sounds as if he's a valued member of staff. It is never, ever a good idea to be very friendly and flirty with colleagues, especially married ones that are senior to you. Even being very friendly can be taken as a 'come on' by men like him. Work professionalism from the outset is best.

Before you go to HR, message him in no uncertain terms tell him to stop messaging you please, and that you don't appreciate it. Then at least you have that message to hand

Ridiculous misogynistic bull shit.

Janedoelondon · 08/02/2023 21:34

I would personally ask to speak to him, and politely ask him to stop. Explain your concerns about the situation and emphasise how you want to continue working well together so don't want things to be awkward. I would then escalate to a senior manager if he doesn't stop, but at least give him the chance to stop first.

good96 · 08/02/2023 21:38

Is there a need for him to message you directly or can this communication be done via a WhatsApp group? You can block their number so that they’re only able to communicate you with via the group.
He’s abused his trust as far as I’m concerned. Difficult situation as no HR and seems to be close knit with senior management. Still there is no excuse for this behaviour.

rubytubeytubes · 08/02/2023 21:45

Block his number tonight. Communicate by WhatsApp
and if he asks why say you have technical issues.
he will turn this against you so act now to prevent this

QuackMooBaaOink · 08/02/2023 21:46

Janedoelondon · 08/02/2023 21:34

I would personally ask to speak to him, and politely ask him to stop. Explain your concerns about the situation and emphasise how you want to continue working well together so don't want things to be awkward. I would then escalate to a senior manager if he doesn't stop, but at least give him the chance to stop first.

I agree with this. I think the first port of call is to talk to him. You admit yourself you have never rebuffed him, and unfortunately not rebuffing can be wrongly misinterpreted as endorsing it. I would calmly explain how uncomfortable it makes you and clearly state your boundaries. I would probably be tempted to do this via written form as evidence incase needed. Then if it persists, you can take it to a manager/higher up without question, as you have been clear and given him every opportunity to stop.

bringoutthebranston · 24/08/2023 08:52

LemonTuesday · 08/02/2023 20:05

Can't block him unfortunately. We all use WhatsApp to communicate about work stuff.

On shared whatsapp could you reply to one of his messages..

"sorry XX please can you stop sending me messages that are not work related outside of working hours"

oops sent to the wrong chat!!

Are the others at your workplace who might be getting the same treatment from him you can test the water? If you raise it with a senior manager and they make things difficult for you, you have the proof of messages without replies so this would be harrassment with constructive dismissal. These men think they can manipulate vulnerable women but he has a lot to lose with a wife and one year old.

Makes me angry - sorry for the rant!

User452023 · 24/08/2023 09:21

This is definitely not your fault. He sounds like a predator.

He messaged you professionally at first and now he's pushing boundaries.

Tell him that his messages and phone calls are innapropiate, so he needs to stop because it's making you feel uncomfortable.

Tell him you don't want him messaging you unless it's to do with work and the messages are professional.

He could even be doing this to other people.

I think you should definitely contact ACAS for advice.

https://www.acas.org.uk/sexual-harassment

What sexual harassment is: Sexual harassment - Acas

What sexual harassment is, what you can do if you're affected by it at work, and how employers should handle sexual harassment complaints.

https://www.acas.org.uk/sexual-harassment

Sayitaintso33 · 24/08/2023 09:46

"Happy to be friendly in work, don't want to be friendly out of work. Sorry"

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