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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to pay for my child to go to a birthday party?

78 replies

moleymo · 07/02/2008 20:04

Ok, the scenario is that one mum has asked some of us to have a joint birthday party with her dd as some of us have children born within a week or so of each other, but no one is interested in doing a joint party as dc's are still young (preschool age) and would rather have smaller parties at least until they get to school - so she now wants to have a party at a softplay place but to keep costs down wants children to pay to go and she'll pay for the food.

She wants us to pay instead of buying a present for her dd.

AIBU to feel a bit uncomfortable about this and to not want to pay for my dc to go to a party - its all a bit 'keeping up with the Jones'. I know what its like to live on a tight budget but surely if you can't afford something like that then you just have a little party at home or somewhere?

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadow · 08/02/2008 09:53

(BTW, Eddie Katz, which is my local soft play, is charging £5 entrance, but £19 per head for a party - quoted me 650 for a party for my sons 6th for 30 kids and Mad Science for entertainment. Not going that far, now that is a rip off)

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 08/02/2008 09:55

I would happily pay entrance for DS at a soft play centre if it meant he could just be invited to someones party! He has SN but loves softplay..

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 08/02/2008 09:56

£19.50 a head QS!!! No!!!! What are they having, a 5 course sit down meal???!!!!!! Thatis most ridiculous thing I've heard all week.. even on here.. and it's been a ridiculous wrrk on here...!

cat64 · 08/02/2008 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

QuintessentialShadow · 08/02/2008 10:08

Shiny, £17 on a weekday.... £19 on the week-end.
They do cucumber sticks, cherry tomatoes, sandwiches, crisps, chicken nuggets, coctail sausages, mini pizzas. Squash to drink. You pay extra for a cake. £35 for a cake.

cupsoftea · 08/02/2008 10:10

yanbu - would just say you're doing a party at home.

MotherFunk · 08/02/2008 10:53

Message withdrawn

MotherFunk · 08/02/2008 10:56

Message withdrawn

QuintessentialShadow · 08/02/2008 11:01

Motherfunk, I think you nailed it there, when you have "only" a few good friends with kids, spending that much does not seem too much. But when you have more than one child, where one or both are school age, you have around 30-40 birthdays a year to buy presents for. I normally spend between 5-7 pounds per present (sometimes 10 if it is a good friend) It all adds up. I had told my son that his 5th was his last big party, as from now on, he will only get to invite a few close friends to either a party at home, or a cinema party, his choice which one. Having said that, he had small parties at home till his 4th, when he was leaving his nursery and invited 12 friends in his nursery class to soft play party, and for his reception year party as it was important for me that he bond with the other kids.

Parties are such a minefiled. Like, what do you do when the parents share the cost of the party, do the invitees bring ONE present suitable for either birthday child to let the pile be split randomly in half (which is normally what is done around here) or do the invitees bring two lots of presents?

MotherFunk · 08/02/2008 11:20

Message withdrawn

blueshoes · 08/02/2008 12:18

moleymo, I would tend to think kindly of your friend, along the lines of Quintessentialshadow and Page62.

I know at 3, my dd would talk a lot more about her friends at her party, than any presents, which just end up in a pile and the gifters merge into one another. She looks at the photos of the party months later and feels very happy to re-live it.

I can understand how it is a cost issue for you. If it costs you significantly more to pay for entrance than to give a present, then you will have to tell your friend that and decline. If she knows your circumstances, she will understand.

LostPuppy · 08/02/2008 12:22

"I'm going to have to fork out for 3 kids now - which will cost me the best part of £25 - that's half my food budget for the week."

there are two points here.

£50 a week is nowhere near enough to feed 4 people (5 if you are married) decent food and
Money is the issue, not your unreasonableness. Never feel obliged to keep up with the joneses. It never makes you happy.

Have some friends of your kid round for a 'party', they'll bring gifts and all you need do is buy a cake and make a few jam sandwiches.

FAQ · 08/02/2008 12:30

"1. £50 a week is nowhere near enough to feed 4 people (5 if you are married) decent food and "

ermm yes it is..........I have a £250 "shopping " budget for the month for 3 Ds's, me and DH. I spend (roughly) £50 on baby milk, £15 on nappies, £5 on the wipes, and then probably another £20ish pounds on cleaning stuff (I buy in bulk, biggest bottles/boxes/packs you can get so it's only once every 2 months or so).

That actually leaves me with less than £50 a week to feed DH, DS1 and DS2 (all big eaters) myself and DS3 (8 months). But I manage get decent food and give them a balanced diet.

PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 08/02/2008 13:48

I haven't read everything but are you sure the invite included your other DCs?

Original poster

moleymo · 08/02/2008 14:22

Thanks for all your opinions - I think I'm going to decline the invite and explain that its because cost is such an issue and suggest that maybe we do something nice another day - phew!

Lostpuppy - We manage to eat v decent locally produced organic food on that budget.

OP posts:

MotherFunk · 08/02/2008 15:24

Message withdrawn

Clary · 08/02/2008 23:41

Motherfunk I would be a bit embarrassed if one of my DC received a gift that cost £25 (if that is obvious? what is it might I ask?) as that is a whole lot more than I would spend on them, or expect them to spend on me.

Have just wrapped pressie for DS2's best pal, a fantastic four dress up that I think was reduced at £3.50 and an crafty book which was a Book People bargain. Total cost £5.50 tho maybe it looks more expensive (not why I bought it! It was DS2's choice).

TBH if not his bestest friend I'd just give one or the other gift.

I do what lucyhoneybee does with a gift box too

MotherFunk · 09/02/2008 00:05

Message withdrawn

twinklingfairy · 09/02/2008 00:21

That was a bit of a sweeping statement lostpuppy!!
"1. £50 a week is nowhere near enough to feed 4 people (5 if you are married) decent food"
Perhaps you didn't re-read what you had typed before you posted, I think you ought to have

I have read through and I am confused. On the one hand I can see why the woman thinks this is a good idea, she maybe even thinks she is saving you all money and her LO from receiving too many pressie that they won't really appreciate. Figuring that she is giving them all an experience to remember, not a gift to forget.
On the other hand, I can see (with you having 3DC's) that this will be more expensive for you. Presumably you can't get someone to mind the other 2 whilst you take the one that is invited? I know my mum would be given 2 of my DC's (If I had them, I only have 1) and that would surely be problem solved?
I would also call the soft play place and confirm the prices, as someone else suggested. And tell your friend that it does not save you money at all and that the costings will prohibit you from coming. Perhaps she will understand and change her plans. If she is a god friend, and I think you said she was, hen you need to be honest with her. If you don't be, lots of other mums might be bad mouthing her too (not that that is as far as you are goin, but others may be) Help her out by explainng what she is asking *1. £50 a week is nowhere near enough to feed 4 people (5 if you are married) decent food could be seen as unreasonable.
Though as I say, I can see that that may not have been her intention at all.

Oh dear, my DD is only 16mo and I can now see a minefield ahead!

twinklingfairy · 09/02/2008 00:23

Oh, and motherfunnk, I am not sure, it is up to you really and the circle that you move in. But I think that may be a bit fancy a pressie for someone you really barely know.
My mum bought one of those for her Grand Daughter for christmas.

Just a thought.

twinklingfairy · 09/02/2008 00:27

oops sorry on 2 counts

for my multiple posts
for that added bit at the end of my ramble. I seem to have quoted lostpuppys inappropriate statement where it should not be.

Really ought not to be typing so late at night

MotherFunk · 09/02/2008 00:47

Message withdrawn

ibelieveindreaming · 09/02/2008 08:00

If my dd's were invited to a party where they had to pay I would pay the entrance fee so the didn't miss out, but would probably also send a present as well as it doesn't feel right not giving a present, a child wouldn't understand why his friends get presents at their parties, but he doesn't.

I would not invite people to a party and ask them to pay an entrance fee, if I couldn't afford the party I wanted to throw I would arrange something else I could afford.

There are other things she could which wouldn't cost as much, hold the party at home or do what my friend did for her ds and hold a picnic in the local park, children had a great time playing on the swings, or take them somewhere cheaper or even free, maybe a museum.

FrannyandZooey · 09/02/2008 08:08

MotherFunk obviously it is up to you how much you spend etc but I agree with others that £25 is a LOT for a child you don't know's present. £10 would be generous IMO, £15 very generous! However different groups of friends have different customs of course.

WRT the OP, I think what the birthday mum is suggesting sounds fine. It's a nice idea to get all the children together. Of course if this works out to be too expensive for you, you don't have to go. She has only invited you to do this, it isn't compulsory!

Clary · 09/02/2008 21:08

well it's up to you motherfunk re the present, but yes, I think I would be a bit taken aback.
But as Franny says, it depends on the circles you move in. Can you ask another attender discreetly?

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