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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to pay for my child to go to a birthday party?

78 replies

moleymo · 07/02/2008 20:04

Ok, the scenario is that one mum has asked some of us to have a joint birthday party with her dd as some of us have children born within a week or so of each other, but no one is interested in doing a joint party as dc's are still young (preschool age) and would rather have smaller parties at least until they get to school - so she now wants to have a party at a softplay place but to keep costs down wants children to pay to go and she'll pay for the food.

She wants us to pay instead of buying a present for her dd.

AIBU to feel a bit uncomfortable about this and to not want to pay for my dc to go to a party - its all a bit 'keeping up with the Jones'. I know what its like to live on a tight budget but surely if you can't afford something like that then you just have a little party at home or somewhere?

OP posts:
nametaken · 07/02/2008 20:50

to be fair though moleymo you would have had to pay for your other 2 kids anyway. TBH if my 3 year old attening a party was going to cost half my food budget I wouldn't even contemplate going.

Can't you just make your excuses and not go?

MarsLady · 07/02/2008 20:52

I wouldn't go if it was going to cost me so much. Also, if you want a small party for your own child then do that. You do not need to go to the soft play party if you don't want to.

Original poster
moleymo · 07/02/2008 20:54

I know, I know, its just that I'm really quite good friends with her and dc's spend lots of time with her dd so I'd be worried she'd be upset if we didn't go. Its not for a few months so have lots of time to think about making a suitable excuse...

OP posts:
MarsLady · 07/02/2008 20:55

Why not be straight and say that you simply can't afford it? If she's a good friend (or any kind of friend really) she'll understand.

FAQ · 07/02/2008 20:56

I'm still a little bit confused as to how if you're playing for the soft play and she's paying the food - but it's costing £8 per child.......what food is she paying for?

All 4 of the soft play centres withing driving distance of us charge around £7-9 per child for parties - which includes the food as well as the play.

Original poster
moleymo · 07/02/2008 21:02

I have no idea what food she's paying for - good point. She's a bit scatty at the best of times so am not exactly sure she knows what food she's getting and for when/who.

OP posts:
CantSleepWontSleep · 07/02/2008 21:11

I'd ring the soft play centre if you don't already know it, and ask how much entry is. Will be shocked if it's over £8 each for a pre-schooler. We're in an expensive part of the country but it still only costs about £4 each.

I've actually invited a load of mums to come to soft play for dd's second birthday tomorrow (then back to ours for tea). We haven't discussed who is paying, but I am intending to pay for everyone, as it doesn't seem right to me to ask other people to pay to celebrate my daughter's b'day.

MotherFunk · 07/02/2008 21:17

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Original poster
moleymo · 07/02/2008 21:33

Ha ha - I'm very lucky to have a mil who grows literally tonnes of veg so get loads of fresh veg for free - there is only so much squash that toddlers can eat though! We eat v little meat and I plan everything meticulously so have little waste and everything ends up as soup which the dc love - thank goodness!

OP posts:
soopermum1 · 07/02/2008 22:34

it's a bold move, but sounds sensible to me. after DS's party i struggled with all the presents he got. far too many. i think it's better use of everyone's money to do as she's suggested, less wasteful.

cat64 · 07/02/2008 22:48

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MotherFunk · 07/02/2008 23:04

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MotherFunk · 07/02/2008 23:04

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Clary · 08/02/2008 00:49

£20 for a child's present??

My 3 DC went to 24 parties last term (I counted up as I couldn't believe how many there were).

That'd've been almost £500 on pressies err no don't think so....

seeker · 08/02/2008 01:05

I never spend more than £10 on a present and I aim for £5-£7, £20 is way too much in my opinion!

lucyhoneybee · 08/02/2008 01:14

We have a play place here where it is £6 to get in for kids but goes up to £13 a head for a party, quite different things. She wants you to pay for the party; I think that's rude even if it's not a lot of money. It's like saying, don't give my kid one of your poxy presents, do this instead.. plus she knows you all have the expense of birthdays around this time and if you're not on a tight budget that still doesn't make it ok even if you can see why she's doing it.
My local YMCA has a soft play room where you could bring your own food and the soft play area is yours for £50 for 2 hours for up to 20 under 5s . Perfect- she can always shop around if she can't afford the party she really wants.
Why not suggest you all go to the park together on the day or agree something together to do, if it's just your company she wants she will be fine wherever you go.

lucyhoneybee · 08/02/2008 01:21

I agree with seeker about giftprice. I tend to use bookpeople or red house for books. Lately I've been giving selections of art materials and jigsaws from Poundland/ Morrisons as dd2 has just started school and we don't know the children too well. We can wrap 2, 3 or 5 items at a pound each and make a lovely practical good quality gift so why spend more I reckon. We do go to £5- or £6 for good friends but this gets us a whole giftset of 5 or 10 picturebooks from The Works or Red House. Sorry to be a giftgeek but after 4 kids I now keep a small suitcase of potential gifts under the stairs and feed it whenever I see anything nice that I wouldn't mind if someone gave us.

cory · 08/02/2008 08:24

I was also wondering about the other Mums that might be on tight budgets and hadn't planned to spend 8 quid on a present. What I don't like about this plan is that it dictates to the invitees how much they are to spend: in this respect it is different from an adult visit to the pub where you can spend the evening cradling half a pint of lemonade if you wish.

I've never had anyone tell me how much I am supposed to spend on their dc's birthday presents. If you have several children and little money, 8 pounds add up surprisingly quickly.

Obviously, there may be reasons why you can't host a party at home. Though having to spend a lot on food is not one of them- you can feed a dozen tots on very little money.

Page62 · 08/02/2008 08:41

haven't read all the posts but do not see what's wrong with what this mum has requested.
If it's too much money for you and all your DCs, then i wouldn't go - and if she is your friend, then she will understand.
I do find it strange that though you say you are friends, you seem quick to jump to the conclusion that what she is doing is "keeping up with the jones's" rather than trying to think of a party that the children would enjoy (to some extent, at the expense of her DS not getting presents). Complete strangers would be willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, but as her friend you seem unwilling.

alittleone2 · 08/02/2008 09:24

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sandcastles · 08/02/2008 09:36

You don't HAVE to go, you know....

FWIW, my friend had her little boys party in a soft play place. I had my purse out ready to pay until her dh said they had done it.

I don't think it is too much to ask really, not like she isn't paying for food & these places do charge a bomb to supply food for parties.

I guess you would spend around a tenner on a gift if you were buying one, maybe she feels having her dc's friends around is more important than plastic tat!

MarmiteMe · 08/02/2008 09:38

Hmm, I don't think it's unreasonable as such especially since it's instead of presents but I can't afford to have parties for DD so I don't.
I'd never dream of asking parents of guests to pay for anything. It's just not the done thing and if you can't afford it, don't go. I declined a party invite just last week as it was going to be about £25 to take DD and that's more than my food budget for the week

sandcastles · 08/02/2008 09:42

Oh & what is usually $4.50 a session soft play, turned into $20 per head for a party.

This included sandwiches, assorted veges, chips, nuggets, crackers, cheese, jelly, ice cream, individual cakes, fruit & party bags, balloons & entertainment.

cat64 · 08/02/2008 09:45

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QuintessentialShadow · 08/02/2008 09:52

If she wants to keep up with other people, she wouldnt "lower" herself to ask for money. She would rather eat ashes for a month than to let it show that there is something others do that she cannot afford. (I know, because truth be told I am a little like that, I paid close to 300 for DS1s 5th birthday, and that was a shared party....)

I would pay the entrance, go to the party, and just be glad that her LO and your LO is having lots of fun, and one little child feels special for her birthday. She will get enough presents from family as it is.