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AIBU?

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Original poster

How do I literally force him to pay CM?

42 replies

Anotherposter76 · 08/02/2023 14:36

Me and ex are on really bad terms - currently going through court, he hasn’t seen child in over a year because of safeguarding concerns about him, he stopped providing and engaging with CMS nearly 6 months ago (all while he is off bragging about buying designer clothes all the time on social media but hasn’t sent a penny for his child even after begging because I’m struggling).

I am in contact with his family but they completely sweep it under the rug and think there is nothing wrong with his behaviour (dv, he injured our disabled child because of his temper, drinks heavily, always unemployed). My daughter enjoys her relationship with his family that’s why I’ve maintained it although they know I don’t agree with them not calling out their son/brother on his behaviour and I’ve had multiple arguments with them about it.

CMS claim there is nothing more they can do as they suspect it’s cash in hand, his family think it’s acceptable and the court’s don’t entertain financial issues with our current order.

What can I do to literally force him to pay?! He has bought loads of crap that my daughter doesn’t need (I think he actually spends my CM money on crap on purpose just to wind me up so I can’t use it for the necessary things like food and clothing) so I’ve refused those and said I’m not accepting them otherwise it justifies him doing that. The next step is I’m bloody tempted to not arrange another meet up with his family until he has sorted it out!!!

any advice would be really welcome, thanks!

OP posts:
OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 08/02/2023 14:42

You can't force him at all sadly.

SheilaFentiman · 08/02/2023 14:46

You can’t. If he is in receipt of benefits, I think CMS can take something tiny like £5 a week from those. But CMS are the “enforcers” and they just don’t.

Beezknees · 08/02/2023 14:47

You can't unfortunately.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 08/02/2023 14:49

They can't force him unfortunately.

DaveyJonesLocker · 08/02/2023 15:01

If he's getting paid cash in hand is he declaring his income? You could report him for tax avoidance if not. You won't get your CMS but you can fuck him up a bit.

SheilaFentiman · 08/02/2023 15:08

Any scope to sell the crap he gives DD on eBay?

TheMatriarchy · 08/02/2023 15:33

Definitely don't bother with his family if they are supporting him in his abuse of your daughter. Long term though sounds like you need to create a life where you dont need him for anything.

underneaththeash · 08/02/2023 15:35

report him for benefit fraud.

SpinningFloppa · 08/02/2023 15:37

Nothing. My ex claims benefits but doesn’t have to pay child maintenance, child maintenance literally told me themselves that they CANT force him to pay. I haven’t had a child maintenance payment it 6 years, what you CAN do is learn to live without it.

SpinningFloppa · 08/02/2023 15:37

in*!

MrsMontyD · 08/02/2023 15:43

My exH family are ashamed of his behaviour but won't challenge him and risk a falling out, it's just how families are, especially with sons.

AmandaHoldensLips · 08/02/2023 15:46

You can't force him. It's bloody criminal. I was in the same position as you and never received a penny in CM. Not once. Ever.

Refusal to pay CM should be a criminal, jailable offence like it is in the US.

I hate deadbeat dads with every bone in my body.

SallySunrise · 08/02/2023 15:55

Unfortunately you can't force him. The system is crap.

I'd be reporting him to the dwp and hmrc though for the tax dodging/benefit fraud.

Dixiechickonhols · 08/02/2023 16:01

You can’t force him. I’d not facilitate contact unless it benefits her.
It’s child neglect. If you didn’t feed or clothe her you’d be prosecuted. He doesn’t feed or clothe her and no repercussions.
I’d definitely continue to report to authorities. Anything to try and force him into declaring income that you can try and access via maintenance.

MsMarch · 08/02/2023 16:05

You can't force him. Sadly. And disgustingly.

But can you accept what he's buying and then sell it so you can have the cash? That's what I'd do.

As for his family, be very sure that your DD IS benefiting from the relationship with them. If she truly genuinely is, great. But if not, then you might need to distance yourself from them too.

Singleandproud · 08/02/2023 16:05

You can't force him and neither can his family. Your children aren't pay-per-view and if your DD otherwise has a good relationship with her paternal extended family I would continue as it will give her a connection to that side of her identity.

DPotter · 08/02/2023 16:10

Take the stuff he does buy and sell it / take it back to shop if you have receipts - ebay / vinted / facebook. Yes hassle I know but makes a point.

Oh and don't be shy about keeping the fact quiet that he doesn't pay CM - so often it's seen a a point of shame by the Mum / resident parent, when the shame is on the NRParent.

I know of one family where the dad didn't pay, and the Mum received money from his parents as they were so embarrassed by him

taxpayer1 · 08/02/2023 16:19

You said he is always unemployed. What money are you chasing?

Neededanewuserhandle · 08/02/2023 16:22

DaveyJonesLocker · 08/02/2023 15:01

If he's getting paid cash in hand is he declaring his income? You could report him for tax avoidance if not. You won't get your CMS but you can fuck him up a bit.

Even that doesn't work in my experience. DSIS's deadbeat ex used to brag about all the cash jobs he did openly. HMRC did fuck all - they don't go after people who are too much bother, only really easy cases.

MelchiorsMistress · 08/02/2023 16:24

You day your child enjoys a relationship with her paternal family so you can’t stop that if you want to maintain the moral high ground. I would also stop blaming them, it’s not their job to ‘call him out’, and even if they did there’s no guarantee he’d listen.

If he wants to buy useless stuff, take it and sell it. You shouldn’t have to do that obviously but needs must and it’s a better solution than using your child as a pawn.

Dixiechickonhols · 08/02/2023 16:33

Does meeting his family incur any cost. I’d be inclined to say DD would like to see you but you can’t afford petrol as he hasn’t paid any maintenance. Then it’s him not you preventing contact.

PotKettel · 08/02/2023 17:05

I agree with take the stuff he buys and flog it.

Also I would directly ask his family for cash; tell them you need petrol money or fares to visit, tell them you can’t bring dd out t see them because it is cold and you can’t afford shoes or coat as her dad isn’t sending maintenance; ask them to make a hot meal for her when she visits and send home leftovers as you cannot afford to feed her; tell them she is unwell and can’t visit them because she caught a cold because the house is too cold. Just keep laying it on thick about how devastatingly poor you are because her won’t support you.

CrazyCorgi · 08/02/2023 17:58

So sorry @Anotherposter76 but you can’t make him pay. I’m a 15 year veteran of this and just find it pathetic how blokes like this will spend their money on anything but their child. My ex once turned around, lifted up his t-shirt and snarled ‘there’s your maintenance’. It was a tattoo of a pair of Angel wings between his shoulder blades 🙄 Oh the irony. DS doesn’t speak to him now (he’s grown up) as he realises what a loser he is.

MoreSleepPleasee · 08/02/2023 18:01

You can't force him. The systems flawed. I get £7 a week as my ex claims benefits yet I know he works as a bouncer in town every weekend. They don't care.

Heatherjayne1972 · 08/02/2023 18:36

Another one who wishes they could / would force payment more robustly.

my ex does cash in hand work. the cms worked out a nominal sum which he refuses to pay. They take it direct from his account but he ( purposely) never has enough in the accounts so they’re taking legal action against him which is something I suppose.

i just wish they had more power/ bite to literally force these ex’s to pay

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