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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I literally force him to pay CM?

42 replies

Anotherposter76 · 08/02/2023 14:36

Me and ex are on really bad terms - currently going through court, he hasn’t seen child in over a year because of safeguarding concerns about him, he stopped providing and engaging with CMS nearly 6 months ago (all while he is off bragging about buying designer clothes all the time on social media but hasn’t sent a penny for his child even after begging because I’m struggling).

I am in contact with his family but they completely sweep it under the rug and think there is nothing wrong with his behaviour (dv, he injured our disabled child because of his temper, drinks heavily, always unemployed). My daughter enjoys her relationship with his family that’s why I’ve maintained it although they know I don’t agree with them not calling out their son/brother on his behaviour and I’ve had multiple arguments with them about it.

CMS claim there is nothing more they can do as they suspect it’s cash in hand, his family think it’s acceptable and the court’s don’t entertain financial issues with our current order.

What can I do to literally force him to pay?! He has bought loads of crap that my daughter doesn’t need (I think he actually spends my CM money on crap on purpose just to wind me up so I can’t use it for the necessary things like food and clothing) so I’ve refused those and said I’m not accepting them otherwise it justifies him doing that. The next step is I’m bloody tempted to not arrange another meet up with his family until he has sorted it out!!!

any advice would be really welcome, thanks!

OP posts:
DragonHouse · 08/02/2023 18:37

You can’t force him, and your child isn’t pay per view so you shouldn’t withdraw contact with anyone.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/02/2023 18:46

Plaster it all over facebook

Dont enable/facilitate contact with any of his family if there is any cost involved for you.

Seek legal advice re a court judgement. I managed to get one regardless of CMS

Mumoftwoinprimary · 08/02/2023 18:53

You could elect me as prime minister. My first act would be to change the CMS to be an agency with teeth. Not just any teeth but shark’s teeth.

I actually have it fairly well thought out. I just need to find a political party I don’t hate, join, get elected as leader and win a general election.

bumpytrumpy · 08/02/2023 19:14

PotKettel · 08/02/2023 17:05

I agree with take the stuff he buys and flog it.

Also I would directly ask his family for cash; tell them you need petrol money or fares to visit, tell them you can’t bring dd out t see them because it is cold and you can’t afford shoes or coat as her dad isn’t sending maintenance; ask them to make a hot meal for her when she visits and send home leftovers as you cannot afford to feed her; tell them she is unwell and can’t visit them because she caught a cold because the house is too cold. Just keep laying it on thick about how devastatingly poor you are because her won’t support you.

This. Don't enable him to get away with it a single bit. Shame him and his family.

SheilaFentiman · 08/02/2023 19:14

I agree that child isn’t “pay per view”… but XH’s relatives are condoning his past physical and present financial abuse of his DD

Daphnethefox · 08/02/2023 19:19

My ex is paying me £7.06 a week yet he is a pub landlord/manager at a main pub in the town we live in. I rang CMS and said he was working and they said all I can do is report him for benefit fraud. I have and got a cms review and still they say he has to pay £7.06?! I really don't understand how he is getting away with it ?
He is all over social media as the landlord of the pub, openings with the town mayor etc
Haven't spoken to him at all since our daughter was a toddler, she is now 7 and he has no contact at all, never has wanted anything to do with her.
I am so tempted to message him and say ... You are working full time and paying £7 weekly what the hell ?!
I feel like I would lose face as such by messaging him and saying why aren't you paying CMS / have you told them you are working ?!
Not even sure how to word the message so have held back till now.
Looking back, the best thing I did was leave him and it is better for my daughter that he's not involved at all in her life.

GenAndWine · 08/02/2023 19:24

Mumoftwoinprimary · 08/02/2023 18:53

You could elect me as prime minister. My first act would be to change the CMS to be an agency with teeth. Not just any teeth but shark’s teeth.

I actually have it fairly well thought out. I just need to find a political party I don’t hate, join, get elected as leader and win a general election.

Start your own or stand as an independent.

Load of us mumsnetters would vote for a candidate/party focused on children’s rights, safeguarding, related women’s rights, etc.

Thatboymum · 08/02/2023 19:25

I think it’s unfair to suggest you stop family visits just because of the deadbeat because it’s not there fault, regardless of your feelings towards him he is still there family member who they love but he’s also an adult who makes his own choices and the family can’t ever control that. It’s wrong when dads don’t pay but my only advice would be report him for tax fraud, maybe benefit fraud too if relevant if it gives you satisfaction and honestly just accept it and move on from the issue because too many of us have spent too many wasted hours getting worked up about something that we really can’t control

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 08/02/2023 20:23

His family have no right to see her. Stop them. Protect her from them because of this:

he injured our disabled child because of his temper

That family are standing by this cunt and supporting him in not seeing her and not paying towards her.

LlynTegid · 08/02/2023 20:32

To the person whose ex husband is a landlord, object to the license being renewed, make the local politicians aware who they are associating with.

As for the OP, I cannot think of anything that does not involve the modern day Krays. We had a Prime Minister until last July who tried to dodge anyone knowing about at least one of his children, so little chance of the law being changed.

I'd have those who don't pay have passports and/or driving licence removed until they do.

HamBone · 08/02/2023 20:39

bumpytrumpy · 08/02/2023 19:14

This. Don't enable him to get away with it a single bit. Shame him and his family.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t hesitate to tell them every time you see them that their son/brother isn’t paying a penny in maintenance. It’s not your job to hide his shameful behaviour towards his daughter.

I’d know I’d be mortified if my son refused to contribute to his child’s upkeep.

VioletCharlotte · 08/02/2023 20:59

There's nothing you can do, it makes me furious. My ex was self employed and got away without paying a penny. CMS have powers - they can take away driving licence, passport, etc, but they don't use them. It's so wrong.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 21:03

Anotherposter76 · 08/02/2023 14:36

Me and ex are on really bad terms - currently going through court, he hasn’t seen child in over a year because of safeguarding concerns about him, he stopped providing and engaging with CMS nearly 6 months ago (all while he is off bragging about buying designer clothes all the time on social media but hasn’t sent a penny for his child even after begging because I’m struggling).

I am in contact with his family but they completely sweep it under the rug and think there is nothing wrong with his behaviour (dv, he injured our disabled child because of his temper, drinks heavily, always unemployed). My daughter enjoys her relationship with his family that’s why I’ve maintained it although they know I don’t agree with them not calling out their son/brother on his behaviour and I’ve had multiple arguments with them about it.

CMS claim there is nothing more they can do as they suspect it’s cash in hand, his family think it’s acceptable and the court’s don’t entertain financial issues with our current order.

What can I do to literally force him to pay?! He has bought loads of crap that my daughter doesn’t need (I think he actually spends my CM money on crap on purpose just to wind me up so I can’t use it for the necessary things like food and clothing) so I’ve refused those and said I’m not accepting them otherwise it justifies him doing that. The next step is I’m bloody tempted to not arrange another meet up with his family until he has sorted it out!!!

any advice would be really welcome, thanks!

He is an adult. It’s not fair to go to his family asking them to solve it. It’s fine to say he doesn’t pay for his daughter but what do you actually want them to do? I would be truly disgusted if it was my brother but apart from telling him that and paying you myself, what could I actually do. Even if they shunned him you would still have no chance of getting the £££.
You can’t force him to pay. You can advise the Court he hasn’t paid any child support since x date.

HamBone · 08/02/2023 21:30

@Eyerollcentral They might embarrass him into paying. If I didn’t pay for my kids, I’d never hear the end of it from my Dad. 😂

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 21:32

HamBone · 08/02/2023 21:30

@Eyerollcentral They might embarrass him into paying. If I didn’t pay for my kids, I’d never hear the end of it from my Dad. 😂

It clearly hasn’t to date 🤷‍♀️

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 08/02/2023 21:35

You can't. The CMS are shit. Its a disgrace.

Changechangechanging · 08/02/2023 21:40

You can’t force him. If he’s working cash in hand then you can report both him and his employer to HMRC but that won’t get you any maintenance.

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