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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Exhausted after overnight visitors

49 replies

Sohappyrun · 08/02/2023 13:06

Just wondering if anyone else feels the same…we have a 6 and a 1 year old and both work full time, our weekends are quite regimented to keep everyone busy and we all have a little routine. I’m finding increasingly (maybe since Covid) that weekend (or weekday) visitors exhaust me! These visitors are mainly the in laws who live 3 hours away, but I’d feel like this with anyone..they’ll normally just announce they are coming - weekend or weekday and do this every couple of months. I feel awful as they do live far away so have to stay and like seeing grandkids, but they are quite loud, messy, opinionated people who always want to be talking and doing stuff a bit like having extra children in the house ..even with the help they give entertaining the DC and doing the cooking I just feel physically exhausted and anxious to be out of my routine and not able to ‘be myself’ when they are here. They came in the middle of the week the other month and had to stay longer than expected due to an emergency - I could have cried. Think it’s to do with me being a massive introvert probs…anyone else like this?!? Any tips?! I’m beginning to dread visits and at the moment they seem to descend on us every couple of months!

OP posts:
BarrelOfOtters · 08/02/2023 13:11

I find time for myself when we have visitors for any length of time. DH's family is loud - very loud. And I find it hard work at times - so I slope off. Coffee with a friend, the garden, the allotment, a walk with the dog or without the dog, shopping.

They don't seem to mind or notice any more.

I'd be tempted to say, oh great you can babysit for the night - we are off out.

Make some time for yourself if you can. And don't worry it'll feel weird the first time you say - 'right I'm off to bed/have a bath/out' but they'll get used to it as long as you are judicious and don't just decamp for the entire weekend.

Cherrysoup · 08/02/2023 13:44

Tell them you can't have visitors if it's too often-people telling you they're coming to your house is just bloody rude, frankly.

Lkydfju · 08/02/2023 13:49

I find mid week visitors tiring as I need a bit of time to relax in the evening as the rest of the day is so hectic

Original poster
Sohappyrun · 08/02/2023 13:52

@Lkydfju yes that’s part of the reason I find it tiring, after kids/work all day I find time to decompress and can’t with people sitting in the lounge. It’s hard as they don’t exactly say ‘we are coming to stay’ but it’s ‘is it ok if we stay x date to x date’ and we (my DH) has never set a precedent for saying no. I feel like I’d have to have a good reason to say no, and just it all being too exhausting wouldn’t be?! Although next time they propose a mid week visit I was thinking about saying no and citing it’s busy at work so just not a good time. I WFH as well and the crashing around the house was a lot! Ha

OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 08/02/2023 13:53

Mid week isn't fair if you both work full time. Once a month visits doesn't seem a lot, but if you have to host for a few days it's too much.
You need firm boundaries. DH perhaps needs to take them up to visit more and you need to limit visits to you to weekends and one night only.

Original poster
Sohappyrun · 08/02/2023 13:56

@Alexandernevermind yea, that’s part of the issue, DH never takes the children to see them, he should really, and on his own, but he’s very reluctant to visit and doesn’t seem like he particularly enjoys spending time with them…that’s another thread!

OP posts:
greenacrylicpaint · 08/02/2023 13:59

there are visitors and there are visitors.

my own parent are hard work. they need to be waited on and entertained or they start re-arranging furniture and kitchen cupboards. plus they go to bed late and are up very early.

other visitors are less (mentally) challenging and I don't mind to host for a few days or even weeks.

with my parents I have a 1 night per month limit.

yousexybugger · 08/02/2023 14:00

What about next time (and some subsequent times) they invite themselves, you say 'great! It'll be nice to see you but just a heads up that DH and I are going out on the Saturday evening until late. You're more than welcome to come, then mind the kids while we're out. I'm sure they'll love some time to hang out with you!'.

If they suggest the next or previous weekend to that, you're busy.

They might be up for spending some time with the DC and you get an evening's babysitting instead of hosting. Win/win.

Definitely scale back mid weeks though unless you see it as freeing up a weekend. More generally practice saying no and spacing out visits too. Could DH take the kids up to theirs every so often? A weekend every month is a lot. This is not just you.

Original poster
Sohappyrun · 08/02/2023 14:03

@greenacrylicpaint so right about visitors and visitors. My DF is a visitor, goes there and back in a day, sits quietly with a cuppa, doesn’t outstay his welcome. In laws are VISITORS…come crashing in brining half their house with them- noise noise noise mess mess mess 😂. I’ve tried hinting that I will be out, busy but they have a house key so have no issue turning up even if I’m out.

OP posts:
Thesharkradar · 08/02/2023 14:11

I remember this from when I had young children... they announced they were visiting and I had no say in the matter
I used to hate it 🤬

If I was in that situation now I would say 'thanks for offering to visit but I'm too stressed right now and I don't want to be visited'

Thesharkradar · 08/02/2023 14:13

They have a key??
That's why they behave as if it's their house, if you give someone a key the implication is they have freedom to let themselves in whenever they please.... Of course that isn't what you intended but that is how they will take it.
I'm sorry to say you have brought this upon yourself.

Original poster
Sohappyrun · 08/02/2023 14:17

@Thesharkradar im not sure why they have a key. They came to stay years ago to look after my DD while I was in hospital so had one then - think they’ve just kept it

OP posts:
Movingsoon21 · 08/02/2023 14:17

We love visitors but would never have anyone to stay mid-week unless we were doing a close family member a big favour (like they needed to stay to visit someone in hospital nearby or something). It just doesn’t work if you both work full time and have DC.

next time they ask for mid-week just say “oh we’d love to see you, afraid that week is very busy with work so won’t be able to host you then but how about the following weekend?” Then you’ve set a precedent that midweek can be too busy and from then on you can drop all midweek visits

ThreeblackCats · 08/02/2023 14:20

Either tell them, or get DH to tell them “no….Wednesday, Thursday, Friday really doesn’t work for us. Come Friday night leave after Sunday lunch” or shut up.
You’re an adult, you do not need anyone’s permission to say no.

Thesharkradar · 08/02/2023 14:21

Sohappyrun · 08/02/2023 14:17

@Thesharkradar im not sure why they have a key. They came to stay years ago to look after my DD while I was in hospital so had one then - think they’ve just kept it

It was an oversight and not intentional? Not your fault then😁
I would change the barrel of the lock 👀
If they say anything ask them what they were doing letting themselves into your house without permission....👀

Whattheladybird · 08/02/2023 14:26

We changed our front door and our keys are not the sort that can be cut without a special code.

Once upon a time they had their own key cut “just to be helpful”. They can borrow the spare key when they stay, as every other visitor does.

We’ve also pushed back on visiting dates now. My non working day is Monday, DH’s is Wednesday. They always used to come at the weekend and leave on a Wednesday; now I say they have to not be here on a Monday and DH sorts it. the first time you push back its hard; but it gets better.

Alexandernevermind · 08/02/2023 14:26

I’ve tried hinting that I will be out, busy but they have a house key so have no issue turning up even if I’m out. no, they can't have a key. You need to firm up your boundaries op. Don't hint they you will be out, tell them it won't be convenient. This isn't just their son's home where they can come and go as they please, it's yours too.

Daddydog · 08/02/2023 14:27

Partner draws her energy from others where as I draw my energy from myself. When always informs me that XYZ are all coming to stay (and it's often) my heart sinks every time. Doesn't matter who it is, it always sinks. I wish I wasn't wired this way but I am. I'm so worried they'll pick up that I don't really want them there, I overcompensate and it's draining! So I smile, play chef, barman, play the lead in the kids ad-shows and be my 'unnatrual' charming self - but inside I'm dying all the while!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 08/02/2023 14:28

"Hi Visitors,
It's always lovely to see you but I just wanted to let you know that with both of us working full time and the DC getting older and needing homework help and afterschool hobby help, it just doesn't work for us to have overnight visitors on a school night. It's exhausting. Especially when its a last minute arrangement and I have to re arrange other commitments.
We'd love to see you but would like to book further in advance and on non school nights, at times that fit in around our increasing work/school commitments. Lets have a chat about diaries and work out something that suits us both."

Original poster
Sohappyrun · 08/02/2023 14:30

@Daddydog yes, I can relate to overcompensating in case they guess that I really don’t want them there!

OP posts:
Pythonesque · 08/02/2023 14:42

Definitely time to change that key ... someone's keys got stolen and you've had to change the locks. Oh sorry no we can't have any more spares. (or depending on how bad they are "oh sorry we forgot to tell you" if they turn up and can't get in...)

Hope you can start firming up the boundaries. Maybe later in the year when the weather is better you can have a whole lot of activities planned that mean you disappear every time they turn up without appropriate notice ...

Daffodilsandtuplips · 08/02/2023 14:48

You seem very passive in this, they have a key but you can’t remember when or why they have it still. You can’t seem able to say no to mid week visits.
You can say no, it’s easy. The first time may feel awkward but it’s easier after that.
Them “ Is it ok if we come Tuesday to Thursday next week/month?”
You “ We’re going to have to put midweek visits on hold for the foreseeable future. As you know I WFH and I’m really busy with work. Weekends will be better, we’ll let you know when we’re next free.”

soberfabulous · 08/02/2023 15:56

Oh I feel your pain OP!!

We live overseas and my parents visit for A MONTH at a time, twice a year.

We both work full time and having to entertain and hold conversations etc in the evenings when I've worked a 12 hour days is really not my cup of tea.

We've recently cut their latest visit to 3 weeks and they aren't happy about it. I've pretended we have someone else coming to stay just after them!!!

neverbeenskiing · 08/02/2023 16:12

I loathe having overnight guests. I like socialising, I'm very happy to have people over for dinner or drinks, but then I want them to leave. I was secretly delighted when our spare bedroom had to be turned into an office in lockdown so DH could work from home. No more overnight guests! "Oh you're going to be in the area next week? How lovely. Unfortunately we can't offer to put you as we've no spare bed but we'd love to see you for dinner!" Technically, we could make the kids share a room or put a blow up mattress downstairs but I just don't mention that and no one has ever questioned it.
I don't do mid-week visitors either. With work and kids it's too much.

If I were you I'd be getting the key back (or changing the bloody locks) and telling them midweek visits are off the table due to your work commitments.

PhillySub · 08/02/2023 16:16

Tell DH to sort this out for you.

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