Exhausted after overnight visitors

[Sohappyrun]

Just wondering if anyone else feels the same…we have a 6 and a 1 year old and both work full time, our weekends are quite regimented to keep everyone busy and we all have a little routine. I’m finding increasingly (maybe since Covid) that weekend (or weekday) visitors exhaust me! These visitors are mainly the in laws who live 3 hours away, but I’d feel like this with anyone..they’ll normally just announce they are coming - weekend or weekday and do this every couple of months. I feel awful as they do live far away so have to stay and like seeing grandkids, but they are quite loud, messy, opinionated people who always want to be talking and doing stuff a bit like having extra children in the house ..even with the help they give entertaining the DC and doing the cooking I just feel physically exhausted and anxious to be out of my routine and not able to ‘be myself’ when they are here. They came in the middle of the week the other month and had to stay longer than expected due to an emergency - I could have cried. Think it’s to do with me being a massive introvert probs…anyone else like this?!? Any tips?! I’m beginning to dread visits and at the moment they seem to descend on us every couple of months!

Make a point of visiting them instead, that way you're not making them travel everything (hardly fair) and the bonus is you get to leave when you've had enough

Just a breezy ‘No, that doesn’t work for us’ from DH next time they invite themselves to stay. Suggest a weekend a couple of weeks after their preferred date and you can then start to lengthen the times between visits.

Also, get the locks changed so that you don’t have to ask for their key back, lend them a key when they stay if they need one and make sure they hand it back when they leave.

Good luck! It’s not easy establishing boundaries but you need to to preserve your sanity.

Sorry I wouldn't put up with this. Set boundaries and be firm. Also change the locks.

@greenacrylicpaint - loved this:

"my own parent are hard work. they need to be waited on and entertained or they start re-arranging furniture and kitchen cupboards."

Re-arranging cupboards 🤣

We had MIL and FIL for Xmas day and Boxing Day, didn't like it at all. Both myself and DH didn't relax and felt like waiters.

@Sohappyrun I wonder if covid has caused you to become a little stuck in your ways? this happened to me but becoming overwhelmed at any visitors made me realise i’d made my world too small which wasn’t healthy for me or my kids. I don’t think routines are healthy or needed at weekends (personally).
How much notice are they giving you? surely someone who loves three hours away isn’t calling you as they’re getting in the car to tell you they are coming?
With your desire for routine and you focus on noise and talking could you have a neurodiversity?

I've just said no to overnight visitors. It's way too stressful and hard work. My own parents are only an hour away but they literally arrive, plonk themselves at the kitchen table and consume. After a few hours I'm drained as just feel like I work in a café/restaurant.

I did experience a bit of kick back from sister when I said no more sleepovers but I've stayed firm. Kids are both teenagers, both H and I work full time, I'm doing an MSc and we all need our own space. Having guests or being guests just doesn't work. If we go to see friends in a different part of the country we book an air B&B/hotel.

@macaronicheese123 i actually like socialising, and by ‘routine’ I just sort of meant doing activities to keep the children occupied - swimming lessons etc - I dread having a weekend in the house with a 1 and 6 year old with nothing planned at all 😳. I think anyone with kids that age would appreciate where I’m coming from. Admittedly though I do like a routine! It’s just the overnight stays, the having no control over when they are coming and their loudness, messiness and the extra work, plus no downtime in the evening. I’m not sure what type of neurodiversity you mean but I would definitely say I’m an introvert (although can out on an extrovert’front’ in social situations- I have no problem WFH all the time and don’t really crave company! I read somewhere that introverts need time to ‘recharge’ after socialising…overnight guests mean I have no time to recharge, hence the exhaustion..

@Sohappyrun I do have children that age and have a busy job and all the things you do.
If you look back through your posts on this thread you focus a lot on noise and finding it hard to have your routine disrupted. I wondered if you might have autism. No doubt you will be angry at this suggestion but I was just trying to help maybe you could find some answers there. Putting on an extrovert front could be also be what is known as masking. A lot of us are introverts but it sounded more than that. I don’t believe relatives visiting every couple/few months staying is a big deal in the way you feel it is. As I say was just trying to help, it might have been something you’d never considered.

I can easily relate to this! I feel like I’m doing a long day shift in hospitality a lot of the time

Last time my mum came to stay then she just sat there constantly. She then complains about being cold. It was on the tip of my tongue to say, if you didn’t just sit there all the time expecting to be waited on and moved around you wouldn’t be cold. I was sick of running round like my arse was on fire. I did a 10 hour day at work, got home and straightaway started making dinner -didn’t even get a sit down. I was pregnant and tired so really wasn’t in the mood

@macaronicheese123 you may be right! Definitely something to consider 😊

They only come every couple of months so that's not that often. If they suggest midweek again or a weekend that you're busy just tell them it's not convenient with work. Definitely use them as babysitters. And get dh to step up as they are his parents. My in laws were complete nightmares but that's another thread!

Can you set up some boundaries. Eg you invite them. Say it’s very hard midweek and better over weekend. Set dates ages in advance, a whole year at a time so you can plan for it.

Bloody hell!

I think it's to do with the culture you grew up in. Regimented and routine and everything has to be so routine.

I grew up in an "open" house as my parents did the same. When my kids parents ask what time Chuck out is I say there is no time as we have an open house

@chopc definitely to do with the culture you grew up in, and maybe personality as well - n contrast I have a friend whose sister lives in a co-operative house (I’d never heard of it before) and loads of families live together in the same house on top of each other - we were discussing we couldn’t think of anything worse 🙈. In a way I wish I was the kind of person who thrives in an atmosphere like that, but I’m not

I hear you op.

My kids are similar ages and I also work full time. I find it really stressful having guests and even more stressful being an overnight guest. I'm chronically exhausted and I find it very stressful dealing with being around other people for long periods. I need to switch off.

Since dd2 was born, we've said to all family that we can't accommodate anyone overnight as we're in a 2 bed house. Having visitors staying in a hotel is a little easier, but still full on.

Just as there's nothing wrong with preferring less routine in your life (weekend or not), I don't think it's unhealthy (or a sign of ND) to like routines. Also, don't most people find noise and mess frustrating and distracting? I don't think that's unusual at all. And personally, once I pick up on something vaguely annoying (like noise), it steadily becomes more and more annoying! Added to that, if someone's already frustrating me by their very presence, any noise they make seems worse than it might normally.

Having family to visit once a month isn't out of the ordinary, perhaps, but having them stay overnight so often isn't the norm. It's understandable why they'd want to do so, with the long drive, but also understandable that OP (and her husband, too, by the sound of it) find it less than ideal!

Your in laws arrive, uninvited for mid week, overnight stays. That they even do this, speaks volumes about the kind of visitors they are. Omg. No wonder you're frazzled.

Start saying no.
Change the locks.
Send your dh to visit with the children.

I wrote sthg long and then lost it before I posted🙄
Basically I am going through the same, got boundaries issues an my OH is not stepping in as " we have a big enough house". I am working on setting some boundaries and this is the way I see it now.
If they stay so often they pull their weight.
Looking after children, food shopping, cooking or whatever you felt needs doing. If they have the gob the stay so often I have the gob to ask them whatever needs doing.
This is not a hotel.
I don't make their bed anymore, my OH does or stays unmade.
I asked for my key back , I wanted it because I "lost " mine. No thank you, I don't want a copy of your ( my) key. I want my key. I can lend you "my" key when needs be.
If they decide on a date to come over to stay, I decide the date is not convenient till two weeks or whenever later, they don't get to choose dates.
I have ask them for us to go over to her house for a long wknd, funnily we still waiting for an answer to that...

I dont think its fair that they just announce theyre coming without even the courtesy of a nominal enquiry whether its ok. I think youd feel so much better and more empowered and at the mercy of these random disruptive visits if you broke the cycle. Next time you get the message, you have to line it up with your partner to agree to say - what a pity you didnt speak to us earlier - we hav plans this weekend and cant host you. And keep defending that position. Oh we wont be any trouble, we'll just fit in .... unfortunately we cant host. Please check in next time so you dont waste time plannign a trip when we cant have you. Oh but we miss the children so ! .... I understand, and they miss you too, next time please give us a ring in good time so we can clear the schedule to be sure we can have you. Dont you want us? We're offended! ..... we do want to see you, but we're a busy family and it takes a bit of organisation to make the rhythm of family life flow smoothly. And so on and on . Theyll get the knock and may sulk and tantrum, too bad. Stick to your script and dont budge. They have to be corrected and stop riding roughshod over your lives.

@DulcetTones there are lots of armchair psychologists on this site it seems 😂.

It's possible to have routines and still be relaxed and flexible. When it suits you! But this clearly isn't working for you.

I was just aghast about them "crashing around the house" and being generally loud and messy. That's just not acceptable and you need to learn to put your foot down. And why is your husband allowing this? They are his parents after all!

You need to speak up though. "Please can you be a little quiet - I'm trying g to do XYZ but I can't concentrate". "Please can you put your cup and plate in the dishwasher". "Hey, you forgot to tidy the bathroom". Just don't put up with this shit.

If they give you attitude, view it as collateral damage. Maybe they'll end up visiting less often... There's a fine line between being welcoming and being a pushover, but you need to look after yourself, otherwise you will burn out.

Coming to this late but I really should show this post to DH …. He thinks that no one should ever say no to family, irrespective of how inconvenient it might be for us ☹️

Change the locks.
Don't offer any spare key as you haven't got one... repeat saying.
Say no to them... it's not a good time as you're not up to vsitors and need a quiet weekend to recover. Keep saying no.
Arrange a visit when it will suit you.
DH really must take on some of this burden and fucking take the kids to visit them.