Parents who say "now you know how we felt"

[SleepyAndHangry]

I get it. There must be some kind of sense of 'now she understands' for my parents when I tell them about the difficulties and challenges of parenting my 6mo (and yes, i KNOW it'll get harder). That being said, the laughing and the constant "now you know how we felt" comments rather than any constructive advice or words of support is really starting to piss me off. Its as though they're gleeful that I'm finding it hard and they've finally got some kind of "revenge" for when I was admittedly a difficult child (so I've been told, many times).

For clarity, I have a good relationship with my parents and I knew having a baby would bring its challenges. I love my DC with all my heart and of course would sacrifice all the peace and sleep in the world to be a good mum to him. But I just don't see the point in asking how I'm getting on if all you're going to do is enjoy hearing that it's a struggle?!

AIBU to feel this way?

I would guess they are saying it as they have nothing more constructive to say. They struggled with you and they still don't have the answers. I would be honest and tell them that the comment is really unhelpful and ask if they have any advice.

My mum does this. When I had DC2 and was struggling all she could say was “I had 2 under 2 and managed easily alongside a full time job”

Not helpful at all and she acts like she was supermum (she definitely was not!)

If they offered advice it would probably be poo-pooed as being old fashioned.
Youre best not getting into that conversation if it causes upset.

I could only imagine saying it if my child was acting like they were the first person in the world to have a baby

Possibly reaching here, but do they mean it in a validating way "Yup, it's shit, we struggled too, don't worry it gets better"?

Oh, and the first six months are really hard, it won't necessarily get harder

I think it's just an odd, (usually) unintentionally unsupportive way of saying "I know how you feel." rather than a vindictive 'hah' kind of thing.

IE 'I know just how you feel because I had the same experience.' but phrased badly!

@evtheria I guess you're probably right. They're not mean, never intentionally anyway. I think my crankiness is making me a bit sensitive 😂

I don’t think it’s appropriate to say to a new mum.

However, when a particularly difficult teenager finally gets past being a self centred nightmare that almost ruins your relationship - grows up - apologises for their behavious- and then years later has same isssues with their teen - that has a special place and is entirely appropriate, but worded very quietly to yourself and your partner out of earshot.

Yes, I have the same. I asked my parents if they had any advice to stop my 18 month old throwing food across the room/sleeping through the night and it turns into a reminiscing about how I was exactly the same and basically a nightmare. The best they could come up with is that in 30 years time they will probably turn out alright. Cheers mum and dad 😅

I think whether YABU or not depends on whether this is literally all they have to say when you tell them you're struggling.

It might be their way of saying its normal, but if you're looking for constructive advice then tell them.

Mine do it too sometimes and it can be annoying, but in my more generous moments, I choose to interpret it as them being excited to have something in common with me on this level - we've always been parent and child, now we're parent and parent so it's not so much that they get it, it's that finally I get it now and we have a new connection.
In my less generous moments I just find it really irritating, OP, you're not alone!

I think it is meant in a 'ha ha, this is payback for how much trouble you were as a baby' kind of way.

It's clearly not particularly helpful as it minimises the struggles new parents might be facing, which can have very serious consequences. It's sort of the same as people men laughing about how women giving birth behave in childbirth - 'ha ha, you screamed so much they could hear you in the street and you almost broke my hand. It was so funny, right?' Not. Especially now we're more clued up about the long-term consequences of birth trauma for women and babies. But I remember several relatives joking in this way when I was growing up and it was considered funny/acceptable. If my husband ever dreamed of doing this, he wouldn't live to tell the tale.

I stopped bothering to tell mine / ask their advice because I used to get the same response. I was a nightmare, etc. My mum said several times that “what goes around comes around hahaha”. YANBU to feel that way, it’s not helpful to hear that especially when you’re tired, struggling and trying your best. It’s not like we did it on purpose! But as other posters have said, it’s definitely better not to dwell especially if your relationship is good on the whole.

I get it too, but same as @SnackyOnassis I choose to interpret it as trying to connect. My parents aren’t the most emotionally eloquent people so I think that’s their way of bonding.

I apologised to my parents for so many things I did as a child 😂 The "but whyyyyyy" the "are we nearly there yet?" The hell of shoe shopping with a teenage girl....

I don't think it's kind of them to have repeatedly told you you were a difficult child. It's luck of the draw whether you have an easygoing child or one more <cough> headstrong. While I might tell my DS of some of the struggles we had with him, I wouldn't phrase it as being deliberate or his fault - little kids just are what they are, it's our job to steer them into being gradually more reasonable.

I would look to other people for sympathy and support rather than your parents, they don't sound like this comes naturally to them. Have you joined or thought of joining a baby group locally, as these kind of things are better for finding like-minded souls who will commiserate and maybe have helpful suggestions.

I don't say this, however, I may say it'll get better, and you're lucky to have a supportive partner (maybe that's not right either)..

My DC dad was (still is) a loser, little help/zero support, so I find it difficult to hear how hard things are when I've done it practically alone. I don't ever ram this down my DD throat either, because she knows her Dad.

Having DC IS incredibly hard, one of THE (if not THE) most challenging 'jobs' you'll ever do in your life. And whatever 'inappropriate' statement I (may) make, I think I am a supportive Mum.

My mum did this too. DD wouldn't sleep long stretches for 2 years - up 12 times in the night sometimes. She was also v ill with asthma and couldn't settle. I also worked 3 nights a week so it was a slog for Ex-H and I.

All I got was "it's kismet, you were the same"

Had this with my mum - the whole 'well trying doing that with 3 kids and working full time' thing if I mentioned I was struggling until I finally just told her it's not a competition and I just wanted to have a bit of a moan. She doesn't really do it now which I class as progress and a win!

My sister's child is much younger than mine and when she says something is hard my response is to ask if there is anything I can do to help. She also only has one child, I had 2. That was our Mum's stance too, my Mum had 3 under 5 but she never used that line if we were talking about our own children, it was just something we knew when we were older. We knew her life had been hard but she never rubbed that in our face.

If you have a good relationship with your parents then tell them that when they respond that way it isn't helpful.

It can be irritating, but I try to think of it the same way as @SnackyOnassis - they’re finding something in common and sharing their memories with you.

Oh god OP, are you me?

My mum was almost overjoyed when I struggled with DD, because I’d been a difficult baby who didn’t sleep through until age 4 apparently (I was ill). Funnily enough I recently accessed my historical medical records that stated when I was 9mo I was sleeping 12 hours at night and 2 in the day. My kids have NEVER slept that well.

I almost wonder if my mum wants an apology or something. But yes I’ve had the gleeful “She’s just like you were!” which is spectacularly unhelpful when I just wanted her to say “tell you what I’ll have her for the morning you go back to bed”

Ask. Tell them what you want.
Baby not sleeping your tired, as if you can come visit and your mum can granny sit.
We most of the time NEED you to ask and accept either yes or no with good grace.

My mum used to do this, I hated it. I make sure I reframe those thoughts with my dd and dgd and say things like "I feel for you, the terrible twos are awful" because I know how much it used to upset me from my mum.

Yes, it sounds very mean-spirited. Once as a joke is fine but all the time and I'd just reply 'well tell me what the hell to do then'.