Parents who say "now you know how we felt"

[SleepyAndHangry]

I get it. There must be some kind of sense of 'now she understands' for my parents when I tell them about the difficulties and challenges of parenting my 6mo (and yes, i KNOW it'll get harder). That being said, the laughing and the constant "now you know how we felt" comments rather than any constructive advice or words of support is really starting to piss me off. Its as though they're gleeful that I'm finding it hard and they've finally got some kind of "revenge" for when I was admittedly a difficult child (so I've been told, many times).

For clarity, I have a good relationship with my parents and I knew having a baby would bring its challenges. I love my DC with all my heart and of course would sacrifice all the peace and sleep in the world to be a good mum to him. But I just don't see the point in asking how I'm getting on if all you're going to do is enjoy hearing that it's a struggle?!

AIBU to feel this way?

Pils do it. They are gleeful and full of Schadenfreude. My parents say “yes, we felt the same”

My mum was bad for this, I’d say DS is cluster feeding,I’m so tired I might vomit, she’d say, ‘oh we’ve all been there, believe me.’ It’s kind of sadistic, yes, like we struggled, now it’s your turn mwahahaha. Also now when my older kids do anything naughty/weird, she’ll say ‘YOU never did things like that!’

Can’t win!

I am positive they love you very much but don’t have anything useful to say and it’s extra-specially getting on your nerves cos you’re exhausted. Were they always a bit ‘matter of fact’ or were they previously big on empathy?

Reply "I think I'm handling it way better than you did though, as I never do (X annoying thing they did)" .

My parents do this too OP, I get it. Perhaps they mean it with empathy but it comes across as gleeful/schadenfreude.

I can understand it slightly more when talking about teens because teenagers have a degree of control over their behaviour. But I find it particularly unhelpful when talking about me as a baby. Apparently I was very colicky and challenging, and they love to remind me about how much they ‘suffered’, but clearly being colicky wasn’t a conscious decision on my part.

It's really hard OP - as a PP says, if you asked for advice, it would probably be 'wrong'.

Is it their first GC? Because I noted that with my mum, with DD1 (first grandchild in family) it was all 'well I never did that' or 'well I weaned you at 16w and it was fine' or implications that she found my children too boisterous.

Then DSis had her two, and 'boisterous' is not the word....... Mum has definitely readjusted her expectations of mine!!

I think just talk to them and appreciate that seeing you with a child may stir up memories or feelings for them. DD1 is a 'difficult' child and whilst I love her so much, I often feel a little grief for the relationship I thought I'd have with my child. It may be that feelings like that are coming up for them.

My parents kind of do the opposite so if I'm struggling with either of my daughters' sleep/feeding/behaviour they say "oh you were never like that/never did that" as if I was some little precious angel baby/child! I'm sure it was just so long ago they've blocked out any negatives but it's equally unhelpful when you're looking for advice/solutions!

I’ve had a lot of this from my parents, together with “well if you’d had a dog it would have been easier, we did warn you”.

for all of her lifetime the fact my sister didn’t sleep through til she was 5 was raised against her and used as an explanation of my parents, er, attitude.

My nearly seven year old isn’t a reliable sleeper through so they’ve finally lost that argument.

I mostly blank the comparisons out now though. We were definitely better behaved/better eaters/worst sleepers/messier/tidier/whatever (depending on the point being proven).

I had this. Not a chance to connect....more a chance to stick the boot in. Makes you feel like a burden.

You have to admit that it must be pretty satisfying telling friends whose childfree wedding you couldn't go to because of lack of childcare and they gave you a hard time over it, when they then get invited to a child free wedding and can't get childcare

I think it comes from the old-fashioned school of thought that small kids are deliberately naughty or manipulative. The implication being that you were responsible for their parenting difficulties by being a bad child.

Mine spent quite a lot of time telling me how exhausted and miserable they were when I was a baby, it made me feel guilty and responsible.

Yes it is frustrating ing. My mother was actually annoyed that my DC was a good sleeper from being a few months old when I apparently didn't sleep through for years

My mum did this countless times.

'Now you know how I felt' when I left my abusive ex, got zero support from him and had to go to court 3 times - compared to her divorce 35 years ago where she got £££

'Now you know how I felt' during lockdown with 2 teens unable to leave the house, nowhere to go if we did, job and MH in pieces, suddenly cut of from friends, colleagues, all human interaction - compared to her retiring and leaving a job she'd hated and was counding the days down for months.

It caused a really huge rift in our relationship as I just felt like she was laughing at me rather than if she really did know how I felt then why wasn't she supporting me more?

YANBU OP, and it's shitty behaviour from your mum.

Yanbu. My mum is thrilled when she had to say this. And she always makes sure she never backs me up and lets my kids continue being awful.
It's horrible actually.

YANBU but honestly you should just tell them that it's not a helpful comment and it's patronising.

At least your parents can remember having you as a baby, mine have blocked it all out 😂😀

It is a bit dismissive and dare I say a teeny bit martyrish to bring up an experience from your own life 30 odd years ago to not empathise with the small albeit normal struggles a person is experiencing today.

Not worth fighting over but maybe call it out and if they change to react to what you say great but if they don’t instead maybe use your friends in a similar situation to offload this stuff on instead.

Remember this thread in the future when you're doing exactly the same thing! Why do people on this site assume everything's happening for the first time, I would imagine it's been said since time immemorial.
My mother used to talk about having to leave the room when my brother was tearing a strip off his daughter after a Parents' Evening.
Love the modern 'faux sensitivity' about the slightest thing.

Oh, I'm really sorry you were so triggered by my shared experience.

I hope you manage to find some positivity in your day 💐

I was admittedly a difficult child (so I've been told, many times). That doesn't sound very nice.

What a stupid reply!!!! Another excess of faux-sensitivity. I've had a lovely day, as usual, some time spent laughing at comments on MN.

It's a shit comment for parents to make. From what else you've said, OP they're just not very nice.

100% this!!