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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your dc was described as 'spacey' 'away with the fairies' 'daydreamer' and it wasn't ASD then what was it?

144 replies

PaulHeymanHairline · 08/02/2023 09:08

Basically I'm looking at the most recent criteria for ASD diagnosis and I'm not sure my dd fits anymore. I'm not too bothered as she seems to have caught up in school more or less but I'm still concerned as her teachers say she's very much 'not present' during the majority of her lessons.
ASD was first raised when she was 2 and I suppose I've always thought of her in this context, she didn't have a diagnosis but her nursery made special care plans around her sensory needs and anxiety. I didn't mention to them that the health visitors had mentioned it but they independently raised it with me.
The school have been great but even they disagree amongst themselves whether it is ASD or ADD or some other sensory processing thing.
I just wondered if it could be personality. Has anyone else had a similar type of child who hasn't received a diagnosis? And if so then did they grow out of it and become more present or do they continue to live in a sort of half day dreamy state of semi reality.
I have a lot of empathy for my DD as I also spend my time with a sort of internal story playing in my head. I am very creative and think sort of visual images and narratives for things rather than rational plans. I genuinely thought everyone's mind was like this until recently. I am not ASD and I can focus if I need to, it takes a lot of concentration. If I have to do something with numbers or dates I have to work up to it and break it up and I will get 50% of the numbers wrong. Luckily I don't have to di this in my job!

OP posts:
LavenderHillMob · 08/02/2023 09:46

This is how a lot of adults diagnosed later in life describe their childhood. Mostly doing OK in primary, struggling in secondary and not achieving the grades they thought they should have done.

No one on the internet can make a diagnosis, but if the suspicion is there, surely it's worth having an assessment?

Shortpoet · 08/02/2023 09:47

I can as described like this as a child. As an adult I fit the description of inattentive ADHD including the hyper focus when I find something interesting. Not diagnosed though.

Signs of inattentive ADHD include:

Difficulty following instructions and finishing tasks
Trouble concentrating; forgetfulness
Gets distracted easily
Chronic boredom
Occasional extreme focus ("hyperfocus") on a stimulating task
Difficulty following a conversation
Frequently losing items

Children with inattentive ADHD often fly under the diagnostic radar since they don't usually disrupt the classroom.

Everydayitsgettingcloser · 08/02/2023 09:47

Puppalicious · 08/02/2023 09:14

I was like this as a child, still am to a certain extent but have a responsible job so expend a lot of energy overcoming it. I have no diagnosis, although have wondered recently whether I have mild ADHD (inattentive). So really don’t know if it’s personality or not!

Ditto

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/02/2023 09:49

I was a teacher for 27 years. ADHD in girls often presents with daydreaming and ‘away with the fairies’

Geneticsbunny · 08/02/2023 09:49

Absence epilepsy?

RocketPanda · 08/02/2023 09:50

Also a diagnosis is not a label. Does anyone huff about labels when someone is diagnosed with diabetes? Or is that reserved for ND people only?

StClare101 · 08/02/2023 09:50

I was a daydreamer. And very imaginative. Still am. I could/can however concentrate when I need to.

Scalottia · 08/02/2023 09:52

Being a daydreamer or spacey doesn't mean that someone has ADHD. I was like this as a child, always daydreaming. I don't have ADHD. @FourTeaFallOut I am like you. Never bored thanks to the ability to daydream the hours away!

heatdeath · 08/02/2023 09:52

ADHD (x2, girl & boy both mixed type as is dh).

MadEyeWheezy · 08/02/2023 09:52

Scalottia · 08/02/2023 09:40

Why does everything need a diagnosis, a label, etc? Maybe this is just how she is.

As long as she is coping well she doesn't need a diagnosis but as you get older the cracks will show and then a diagnosis, a label, is invaluable for several reasons:

  1. Medication (if it is ADHD. For most people this is the first line of treatment and probably the only really effective one)
  2. Accommodations in school
  3. Knowing that your issues are not a moral failing and Understanding yourself: I thought my whole life I was lazy, stupid and crazy (as did everyone else too). I was diagnosed in my thirties with ADHD but it has led to a lifetime of low self esteem. I still can't shake the feeling that I'm just lazy, crazy and stupid.
  4. Once you know what you are dealing with you can find tricks and strategies to help you out in daily life. People with ADHD do better under certain circumstances. Once you know it's ADHD you are more likely to accept that you need to create these circumstances rather than just trying harder and failing.
  5. If I had known I had ADHD as a child and that the symptoms are something I can't will myself out or overcome by trying harder I would have picked a different job, something that doesn't rely solely on self motivation.

I realise this is a very ADHD centric reply but that is what I have experience of. I don't know if it is different for other disorders but yes, a label can be invaluable!!

Sunriseinwonderland · 08/02/2023 09:54

I fitted this description exactly as a child and an adult and was eventually diagnosed with complex PTSD. I think thsts unlikely if she hasn't been through any trauma but it can be disassociative/escapist behaviour. You need a proper diagnosis.

CaffiSaliMali · 08/02/2023 09:57

I was like this. Diagnosed with dyspraxia as an adult. They wouldn't assess for dyscalculia but I'm very confident I also have that.

I also suspect ASD but haven't been able to access an NHS adult assessment - a former GP referred me but that NHS trust don't diagnose adults. GP in current area wouldn't refer me as I was engaged at the time and apparently it's unlikely someone with ASD could sustain a LTR long enough to get engaged! 🙄

Diagnosis of dyspraxia has helped me a lot, mainly because I now understand why I struggle with certain things.

Isis1981uk · 08/02/2023 09:57

Could it not just be her personality? Crazy idea on here, I know! My brother always got pulled up for day dreaming in class, to the point he'd fall off his chair sometimes. He was just a daydreamer.....that doesn't mean anything is neurologically wrong!

MadEyeWheezy · 08/02/2023 09:57

LavenderHillMob · 08/02/2023 09:46

This is how a lot of adults diagnosed later in life describe their childhood. Mostly doing OK in primary, struggling in secondary and not achieving the grades they thought they should have done.

No one on the internet can make a diagnosis, but if the suspicion is there, surely it's worth having an assessment?

That was me as a child. Breezed through primary with extremely high grades as I loved learning and loved my subjects so it was.easy.to.focus.

Everyone (parents, teachers, myself) thought I'd ace secondary. But in secondary I couldn't get by anymore without studying. The subjects were boring and I just couldn't focus or do the required work. Everyone thought I was just lazy and arrogant.

I have winged most of my life and all of my education post primary by doing the minimum the night before exams or now deadlines at work. It's not a good way to.live. I am constantly stressed and constantly feel like a failure.

There is a reason why the two most common comorbidities of ADHD are depression and anxiety.

Dogsandchocolaterule · 08/02/2023 09:58

How old is your DD now?

maddy68 · 08/02/2023 10:03

Many reasons

  1. simply a day dreamer
  2. bored with the lessons
  3. ADD
  4. wants to be elsewhere
TattiePants · 08/02/2023 10:04

My DS was described by his year 1 teacher (also the SENCO) as a day dreamer and recommended we went to the GP. He was tested for absence epilepsy (it wasn't) and we were then referred to CAMHS. After reading up I was convinced he had Inattentive ADHD but his eventual diagnosis was Dyspraxia (amongst other things). To the posters asking why everyone needs a label? They don't but it helped us as parents and the school to ensure he had appropriate support. As he got older, it also helped him understand why his brain works the way it does.

CrispThief · 08/02/2023 10:04

For me it's ADHD. I've not found the ADHD assessment process especially thorough or helpful but that's partly because I don't want meds. I have had therapy, which has helped a fair bit.

For my child it's dyslexia. The dyslexia assessment was extremely broad, detailed and thorough. I now know so much about how my child's brain processes information and I can make sure they get the correct support in school.

What we both have in common is a difficulty in aural processing. We can only follow one or two step spoken instructions. If lessons aren't multi sensory, we check out. I only discovered this about myself as an adult. I'm still battling the sense of inadequacy instilled in me by my school.

Mariposista · 08/02/2023 10:07

This reply has been deleted

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BoredOfThisMansWorld · 08/02/2023 10:10

It's definitely not about the label!

It's all about showing the school what your child needs in order to access the education they are entitled to.

Some teachers still adhere to a fairly old fashioned teaching style which only works for some learners. Dyslexia friendly teaching has been shown to benefit all children.

It is also about encouraging parents and teachers to understand the behaviour the child exhibits and to be curious about why they are doing it. Being told you are "lazy" or "stupid" or similar can become a shame-filled burden which follows you into adult life, affecting relationships and employment.

Dogsgottabone · 08/02/2023 10:12

DS has always been away with the fairies. Like from age 2 he would stare into space and kept doing it in lessons all through primary school.

And then went to secondary school where within 6 months, his teachers brought us in and told us he was missing social cues and had we considered autism.

He is now diagnosed and much much happier for it. And his teachers can make appropriate allowances.

StuntNun · 08/02/2023 10:13

One of my DS is a dreamer like that and he definitely doesn't have autism or ADHD. He has dyslexia accompanied by visual and auditory processing difficulties and poor short-term memory. I do wonder whether he has dyspraxia because he has poor manual dexterity, drops and spills things, can't tie his shoelaces etc. BUT he could ride a bike without stabilisers at age 2 which seems like it should be impossible for a child with motor dyspraxia.

Justmeandthedog1 · 08/02/2023 10:15

I was like this and more so in secondary school. Boredom. I found school lessons slow and tedious so just switched off.

purplepencilcase · 08/02/2023 10:17

Scalottia · 08/02/2023 09:40

Why does everything need a diagnosis, a label, etc? Maybe this is just how she is.

This!
Leave her be and stop medicalising our children with these labels. Embrace their individuality and work with it.

Mojoyoyo · 08/02/2023 10:19

ADHD
diagnosed aged 20