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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH making me late

61 replies

Latewait · 08/02/2023 07:44

DH is needier than a bunch of toddlers in the morning. Two days a week, he leaves before us. That’s always fine.

Wednesdays are a nightmare. He always decides that when I’m brushing my teeth that’s an ideal moment to start a conversation about what needs to be done ready for the cleaner, when do I expect to be back today, has the cat been fed. Today I ended up abandoning my teeth brushing and started again as I just had to say look DH will you please wait until I have finished brushing my teeth? So that took twice as long. In the shower and he’s following me in and hit asking about this and that. He also feels the need to tell me what he’s done, even things he normally does so things like ‘I’ve emptied the cat litter. I’ve taken the bins out.’ Argghh yes you always do!

Then after he left he came back three times as he’d forgotten something but came in every time to tell me this meaning DS burst h to tears as daddy left again and I had to pause from drying my hair.

Meanwhile DS is getting difficult as everything’s taking forever and is bringing me books and toys.

He’s a lovely man really so I do not want to LTB. But AIBU to put him on mute until 9am?

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 08/02/2023 08:12

The OP has been back @Whatislove82

Butwhytho · 08/02/2023 08:12

Whatislove82 · 08/02/2023 08:03

You: sorry I’m late boss but my dh was talking at me whilst I was brushing my teeth and I “had to abandon” brushing my teeth and restart.

Your boss: 🤔

You see how daft this sounds op. YOU are making yourself late

Sums it up really, don’t be silly OP! The coming and going over and over would be bloody annoying and it’s unfair on your son, that being said if he’s forgotten something, there’s not much that can be done about it unless he reverts to primary school mode and gets his stuff together the night before!

Autumnnewname · 08/02/2023 08:12

Whatislove82 · 08/02/2023 08:11

The OP won’t be back! 😂

Eh?

Merlott · 08/02/2023 08:13

How dramatic! Lock the door and do what you need to do. DH can intercept DS.

I often have quite significant convos with my DH early in the morning whole the DC are watching tv and we hide in the kitchen and sort boring but necessary things like banking or shopping lists. Sometimes talk about our dreams or ideas or work dilemmas.

I feel sorry for DH, he's trying to connect with you and you're pushing him away. I would guess you don't spend much quality time together due to DS? Might be worth trying to schedule in a couple of date lunches if you have a willing GP at the weekends for a few hours. Or do a half day at work and meet for lunch while DS at nursery.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/02/2023 08:13

Switch it up. Give him the job or sorting him and ds and dropping ds at childcare. You get up before them both, leave early and go grab a nice coffee somewhere close to work for some peace and quiet.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 08/02/2023 08:14

My Dad is like this and it used to drive my Mum up the wall (and any guests that stayed over) his incessant need to talk to everyone about anything in the morning wasn't just limited to family.

In the end we just ended up ignoring him and carrying on. We'd even walk past him mid flow to go back to the bedroom, then pick up a hair dryer and start drying our hair, even when he carried on talking.

It actually became a source of entertainment and I've heard my Mum, on many occasions, just say 'Dave for Christ sake shut up' and then they laugh about it.

Try taking the micky out of him in the evening and then when he starts on a Wednesday make a joke of it, but don't stop and don't respond if you can't/don't want to.

If the kids come upstairs tell him. 'Dave you've not stopped talking to me even when I'm drying my hair, and now the kids are upset, get your arse downstairs and annoy them, let me dry my hair in peace

Maray1967 · 08/02/2023 08:16

Whatislove82 · 08/02/2023 07:55

So? He’s not actually forcing you to respond or getting angry.

So just point to toothbrush. Look in mirror and crack on.

essentially… don’t be a martyr

Show quote history

This - just ignore him! He will get the message. You need to train him that he will not get the response he’s hoping for. Carry on teeth brushing, walk past him , continue getting ready - basically just tune him out. If he protests tell him you haven’t got time for this, he’s making you late, but do not look at him while you’re speaking, just carry on. It might appear rude, but what he’s doing is also rude.

Sceptre86 · 08/02/2023 08:17

Does he have a health issue? Any particular reason he does this? Can someone really lack this much awareness? I'd be blunt and tell him he's annoying in the morning and makes you late. That conversation about mundane stuff can wait till you get home, he might well get annoyed or upset but quite frankly so what? He's an adult and I'd start telling him to bugger off and leave you alone to get ready.

Maray1967 · 08/02/2023 08:19

What he’s doing is attention seeking behaviour worthy of a preschooler. He wants your attention. You need to teach him that he’s not going to get it then. So either tune him out and try to train him that way, or as pp just suggested, sit him down at a different time and give it to him straight.

WandaWonder · 08/02/2023 08:21

He is not making you late

OoooohMatron · 08/02/2023 08:30

bonzaitree · 08/02/2023 08:11

Tell him to bugger off.

In a nice way “Love, you can see I’m busy. Let’s speak about this later. I’m going to be late for work.”

This! Or a massive fake yawn when he starts going on 😁

OnaBegonia · 08/02/2023 08:34

Lock the bathroom door, you're pandering to two toddlers here, train your son now that he doesn't need to be like daddy and trail at your back 24/7.

PacificState · 08/02/2023 08:35

He's trying to communicate with you (does he feel like he's not getting enough of your focused attention?) and you're feeling overwhelmed by people needing your attention (DH and DS). DS will stop needing so much attention from you as time goes by, but this stage can be exhausting on a cellular level!

Maybe say that to dh (if it's true) - that you feel like every time you turn around somebody needs your attention? And say that the days you go out to work you need to focus on preparation and ask him if he can give you some space on those mornings?

Whatislove82 · 08/02/2023 08:37

Latewait · 08/02/2023 08:09

I’m at work now - have to be here at a particular time but don’t actually have to start doing anything until a bit later Smile

It’s true I should be firmer but a lifetime of polite acknowledging people when they speak to me is hard to break! Perhaps my middle finger raised will get the message across …

Why do that and not just ignore and crack on.

Your response either seems to be a martyr and “abandon” your teeth brushing OR give him the middle finger.

and your job… you need to be there at a specific time but then you can chill out and mumsnet for a bit. Nice!

Glitteratitar · 08/02/2023 08:47

I’m genuinely baffled why you had to stop and restart? Also, how long does it take for you to brush your teeth?!

FictionalCharacter · 08/02/2023 08:49

You’re getting a hard time here a bit unfairly, and your DH sounds very annoying with his incessant tedious running commentary. I bet he isn’t that needy at work!
But for heaven’s sake lock the bathroom door! You deserve a few minutes respite from the small child AND the big one while you shower and brush your teeth. DH can deal with DS if he gets upset when he can’t be with you in the bathroom. DS will soon learn that the world doesn’t end if he can’t be in the bathroom with mum for a few minutes. Children can learn at an early age that they can’t be with mum every second of the day or have everything they want. He’ll get used to it and you will feel so much better in the mornings if you have that little bit of peace while you get ready. It’s not much to expect!

MsMarch · 08/02/2023 12:09

I get it. But really, you need to just ignore him or grunt or keep moving. You don't have to give him your full attention!

I could have been on here posting about how DH made me late for bed because he'd start some hardcore conversation at 11pm. But really, I was the one who had to start saying, "I really want to have this conversation but I can't have it now, I'm going to bed" and mean it!

Sleepless1096 · 08/02/2023 12:22

How old is your DS?

If your DH has all the time in the world in the morning, then he can be in charge of getting your DS reading for school and doing the school-run, which should both save you time and remove the problem of your DH wanting to set the world to rights before 9am.

Figmentof · 08/02/2023 12:25

Mountain out of molehill. My husband speaking doesn’t stop me from doing anything, I can even clean my teeth whilst he speaks.

Badger1970 · 08/02/2023 12:31

He's making you late because you're letting him.

DH is a horrible faffer (and getting much worse as he ages) but I have learned to completely ignore his attempts to draw me into his faffing. I do the hand up signal quite often and refuse to be drawn into conversation.

LavenderHillMob · 08/02/2023 12:32

DH is "always on" first thing too. Grin I mostly ignore him. When he is really determined to discuss something in depth whilst I'm multitasking and trying to get out of the door on time though I have found that being blunt is the only way.

SpookyBlackCat · 08/02/2023 12:38

I think maybe you need to treat him a bit like a toddler interrupting you. Just ignore him if you are busy brushing your teeth and continue the rest of your routine as usual.

ChateauMargaux · 08/02/2023 12:43

Reminds me of DH - 'Do you want me to do X?'.... like - do you want me to email school to tell them that DS will not be in today... drives me nuts!! JUST **Ing do it.. or leave it to me.. but don't expect me to say that yes, I want you to do it... I cannot articulate to him why this drives me crackers...

I prefer that he would say, I have emailed school.. though that comes close to also annoying me too... but I accept that some communication around tasks that could be done by either parent is important.

redskydelight · 08/02/2023 12:45

My DH learnt about 25 years ago, that I only interact with essential conversation only in the morning.

He can talk to me as much as he likes, I won't pay any attention to him.

The phrase "can we discuss this later" is your friend, if your DH persists.

Turkeyneck101 · 08/02/2023 13:05

I would make up a white board with a list of potential questions he has ....Only produce it on a Wednesday.

Is the cat fed...DH to do it or see Monday Tuesday Thursday and Friday
Where are my socks ....where do you think, look for them or.....see M,T,T and F
What time will DW be home...no bloody idea or 6 pm or see MT T and F
etc etc etc

He will get the message. He manages on all the other days.