Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me and Partner to get married alone?

57 replies

Scoobydoobydoobydoo0987 · 07/02/2023 20:55

Me and DP been together 20 years, both 36. Have 2 kids and share a home. We have discussed getting married just the 2 of us without any family at a Registry office. Are we being unreasonable? We want to get married without the fuss of a wedding or wedding day. Who could we ask to be witnesses if we wanted it to be just us and no family?

OP posts:
SpecialK2023 · 07/02/2023 21:58

I did this. We both loved it and have no regrets.

I just didn’t want the fuss or family politics of a big day. It was special to me because it was all about us and not everyone else.

jacult · 07/02/2023 22:00

UsingChangeofName · 07/02/2023 21:44

After 20 years together, sharing a home and 2 dc, I doubt too many people will be bothered.
Some might thing it a shame you didn't want to involve them in what for many is a special time of your lives, but, if that is what you both want, then YANBU to do it that way.

It isn't 'the thing' to admit if on MN, but I know I would feel very sad if any of my dc decided that getting married wasn't an important enough day in their lives that they wanted to share it with siblings and parents, however. But maybe that is a reflection of how I think of marriage, and what I think about family and relationships.

Surely you realise your children think different things than you. It’s not that they don’t think it’s important, they think it’s the most important - to the couple themselves! There are many things I think are important that my parents also do but have gone about it in different ways. Please don’t let your children know you feel this way, wouldn’t you hate them to be guilt tripped into doing something just to please you and not them?

HeddaGarbled · 07/02/2023 22:06

I think this is absolutely fine if you then just carry on as normal afterwards. If you subsequently make a big announcement and expect people to take notice, it’s possible some may be upset about being excluded. How do you think the children will feel about it?

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/02/2023 22:16

God I think it’s a brilliant idea.

The thought of a huge wedding with all the shit that goes with it and loads of people telling you what to do and getting in on the drama brings on a panic attack: I can’t think of anything worse.

If I ever got married again (which I won’t) I would have this sort of wedding.

Grumpyunleashed · 07/02/2023 22:17

We had been together for 23 before we ran away to Gretna Green.
They find witnesses as it’s a tourist place. We were from London, witnesses were a couple from Anglesey.
Now married for 10 years.

For us it was perfect, no fuss, no complicated plans and no need to put on a show when we are both introverts.
We told the family at a family meal when we carried in a large cake from the car.

If you want to go locally try dropping in to your local registry office and chat through your options….They might even be able to help finding witnesses.

Good luck

Remember it’s your lives & your wedding, no one else has an opinion that matters.

OutFortheBirds · 07/02/2023 22:23

HeddaGarbled · 07/02/2023 22:06

I think this is absolutely fine if you then just carry on as normal afterwards. If you subsequently make a big announcement and expect people to take notice, it’s possible some may be upset about being excluded. How do you think the children will feel about it?

So how should you ‘carry on’ differently when having a bigger or smaller wedding?
You’re not more or less worthy of well wishes if you have a small/big wedding.

You don’t have to minimise yourself for getting married how you want. The people who count will be happy for you.

Ragwort · 07/02/2023 22:26

We had a very quiet wedding, just three guests and a lunch afterwards no regrets 35 years later - .. my DPs did the same when they got married ... they certainly didn't expect me to have a big, formal wedding. And I would honestly be delighted if my adult DS told me after the event that he had got married... I have no wish to be 'mother of the groom' ... although I would put on a brave face if he wanted a big do.

CherryPieface · 07/02/2023 22:31

We did this when I was 34. Did it abroad, hotel provided witnesses. Loved it and never regretted it. Have a wonderful day OP!

HeddaGarbled · 07/02/2023 22:38

So how should you ‘carry on’ differently when having a bigger or smaller wedding

Not doing this:

We told the family at a family meal when we carried in a large cake from the car

We don’t want any attention or fuss ……… except when we do.

HoboSexualOnslow · 07/02/2023 22:40

We entered into a civil partnership during one of the lockdowns, it was fantastic.
Two witnesses, some photos, no regrets.

OutFortheBirds · 07/02/2023 22:50

HeddaGarbled · 07/02/2023 22:38

So how should you ‘carry on’ differently when having a bigger or smaller wedding

Not doing this:

We told the family at a family meal when we carried in a large cake from the car

We don’t want any attention or fuss ……… except when we do.

😂 I think that’s was a lovely thing to do!

I don’t see that as seeking attention and wanting a fuss. It’s having a slice of cake and having something to be happy about.
They are just as deserving as good wishes as anyone else.

DrJump · 07/02/2023 22:53

This is my preference but I know my mother in law would be hurt. So we live in sin :)

trevthecat · 07/02/2023 22:55

Do it! We eloped and it was amazing. We don't regret anything

GoldilockMom · 07/02/2023 22:58

How old are the children?

I think they would feel hurt to miss the wedding. We eloped bit with the children.

Judijudi · 07/02/2023 23:08

A close relative of mine did this just the 2 of them and asked a random couple they met outside registry office to be witnesses and they don’t regret it at all. Majority of family were delighted for them including parent.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2023 23:10

We have discussed getting married just the 2 of us without any family at a Registry office. Are we being unreasonable?

This is exactly what my husband and I did. It's 25+ years later and never a single regret. Stop overthinking and just do it.

Danikm151 · 07/02/2023 23:22

I know a couple that eloped then had their wedding reception for their first anniversary. That way family didn’t feel left out and they got to enjoy their wedding day

Original poster
Scoobydoobydoobydoo0987 · 08/02/2023 00:15

GoldilockMom · 07/02/2023 22:58

How old are the children?

I think they would feel hurt to miss the wedding. We eloped bit with the children.

DD is 4 and a half and DS is 1, we was planning on including them Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Scoobydoobydoobydoo0987 · 08/02/2023 00:17

Both my parents have passed away and DP has his father and I don't think he would mind BUT DP has lots of family that would probably be upset hence why I'd thought I'd ask MN to see....

OP posts:
Original poster
Scoobydoobydoobydoo0987 · 08/02/2023 00:18

Thanks for everyone's advice, it is really appreciated

OP posts:
Stressybetty · 08/02/2023 00:31

We did this in jeans and two mumsnet witnesses! Told everyone afterwards. Really didn't want the stress and expense of a wedding. Went home to our dogs and bacon sandwiches. It did all feel a bit flat though, a non event and both are hopeless at remembering the date!

Blossomtoes · 08/02/2023 00:35

I worked with a guy who nipped out and got married in his lunch hour then went back to work. I thought it was the ultimate in cool 😎

Ragwort · 08/02/2023 04:45

It's your wedding, you don't have to do what other people want/expect just to avoid hurting their feelings. You don't even have to make a big announcement or even tell them afterwards .... only one of our siblings came to our wedding ... no one said anything, they respected our wishes.

losingit31 · 08/02/2023 04:50

Got married in Gibraltar, our witnesses were the photographer and the wedding planner (who had helped to sort out bookings and paperwork). It was like a wedding except for the lack of guests! No regrets at all.

SuperSange · 08/02/2023 05:38

UsingChangeofName · 07/02/2023 21:44

After 20 years together, sharing a home and 2 dc, I doubt too many people will be bothered.
Some might thing it a shame you didn't want to involve them in what for many is a special time of your lives, but, if that is what you both want, then YANBU to do it that way.

It isn't 'the thing' to admit if on MN, but I know I would feel very sad if any of my dc decided that getting married wasn't an important enough day in their lives that they wanted to share it with siblings and parents, however. But maybe that is a reflection of how I think of marriage, and what I think about family and relationships.

You sound like a peach!! That kind of manipulation is why people elope. It's certainly why we did. There is no way MIL and I would still have a relationship if we'd had a regular wedding as she's very manipulative, so we eloped. No she didn't like it, but she caused it.
I was vindicated five years later when my husband's sister got married and she had little say in her own wedding, even though her and new husband were paying for it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread