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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt (grandparents and childcare)

60 replies

LeglessinRotherham · 07/02/2023 20:14

My parents used to look after my little boy and niece together 1 day a week while I worked- they volunteered to do this which we gratefully accepted. The rest of the time my DC was in paid nursery. This arrangement understandably stopped during the pandemic. We've since had another child, as have my brother and SIL. There was no mention of the offer of childcare for us this time around and I assumed this meant my parents no longer wanted to take on that role again- absolutely fair enough, they are a few years older and I am happy for them to enjoy their retirement. We put our younger DC in nursery full time. I've just found out through a mutual aquaintance that my parents are looking after my niece a day a week regularly. I was already aware that they do this a lot (this is something that has never been offered to us) but I didn't realise that this was a regular thing. This is while my SIL does keeping in touch days, and they are planning to carry on when she is back working I believe. I only managed to do one KIT day on my mat leave due to having no childcare (my other half had limited annual leave at the time to cover me). AIBU to be upset? Should I broach this with anybody? Or is it just fair enough that my parents are free to do what they want with their time? To be clear it's not the lack of help that's most upsetting (although to be fair I would absolutely love some more help as I feel like I'm drowning most if the time ) but rather the disparity and apparent secrecy. For full disclosure I would say that there is a history of my brother and his family being favoured by my parents over me and mine.

OP posts:
MrsBunnyEars · 07/02/2023 20:17

Its odd if it’s a secret (rather than them just not realising that you need the details), but I can’t see a discrepancy.

They’ve cared for one of your children, now they’re doing the same for your brother’s child.

It would be a massive undertaking for them to look after two small children at once, and really, really unfair if they looked after both of yours but did nothing for your brother.

JauntySpider8 · 07/02/2023 20:19

You're not unreasonable to be upset, but it's their decision to make really. It does seem unfair though. Is there perhaps a reason why they don't want to look after your DC, such as more challenging behaviours? Or are SIL/DB having some personal/financial issues which mean they need the help more perhaps?

FourAndTwentyBlackbirdsBakedInAPie · 07/02/2023 20:19

It doesn't sound like you asked them.

Maybe they assumed you didn't want them to look after this one.

corcaithecat · 07/02/2023 20:21

Maybe they just prefer the company of your niece?

NEmama · 07/02/2023 20:21

Ask them if they'll help you again?

Flamingogirl08 · 07/02/2023 20:21

Did you ask them?

Original poster
LeglessinRotherham · 07/02/2023 20:21

Thanks @MrsBunnyEars just to be clear they looked after both my Ds and my niece in the past. Now both sets of parents have had another child- my younger child and my younger DNiece. We've had no offer of help this time (fair enough!) but my brother and SIL have been offered a day a week of childcare for my DNiece.

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 07/02/2023 20:22

YANBU.

They can do what they like, of course, but it’s the lies that hurt the worse. I’ve been in a similar situation and I can’t forgive the lying and secrecy. They always come out in the end and cause the most hurt.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 07/02/2023 20:23

Is your niece easier? I have a girl and a boy. The boy is just harder work for people - he’s physical and runs around while DD will sit and colour and helpfully join in anything they need to go, such as go shopping etc

Eastereggsboxedupready · 07/02/2023 20:23

My ils provided free childcare for sil's 6 dc.
Our 3 never even got an invite for tea..
We all lived within 3 streets.
Suck it up but bear that grudge op.

jacult · 07/02/2023 20:25

Did you ask? Can you ask now? I wouldn’t be upset about it if I hadn’t asked, I would if I’d spoken to them and they said they could only take one.

MrsBunnyEars · 07/02/2023 20:25

Ah sorry, assumed DB’s child was their first. Then there is a discrepancy….

Tinkerbyebye · 07/02/2023 20:25

MrsBunnyEars · 07/02/2023 20:17

Its odd if it’s a secret (rather than them just not realising that you need the details), but I can’t see a discrepancy.

They’ve cared for one of your children, now they’re doing the same for your brother’s child.

It would be a massive undertaking for them to look after two small children at once, and really, really unfair if they looked after both of yours but did nothing for your brother.

@MrsBunnyEars

read the post. Clues in the first sentence

now they continue to look after sil child without offering op help

gogohmm · 07/02/2023 20:27

But did they ask them? Did you ask?

Tinkerbyebye · 07/02/2023 20:28

I would just quietly contact your mother and say that this is what you have heard and you are upset as you would like some help as well, as before

if they say they can’t do it, for whatever reason then fair enough

but I am afraid I wouldn’t go out of my way to help them in the future and simply refer them to your brother

minidancer · 07/02/2023 20:29

My In laws look after my Bils 3 children for 3 days every school holidays but never offer to have our kids. I assume Bil will return the favour and look after the in laws when they need it. He owes them. I don't 😂

VouloirCestPouvoir · 07/02/2023 20:29

I know how it feels.
I try to accept it nothing I do will change it can only change my reaction to it. Stings yes but have to get on with it. My sibling is favoured. Nothing much else to it. I will make sure I don't do the same to my children.

saraclara · 07/02/2023 20:33

How do you know they offered? Maybe your brother asked, while you just sat and waited for your parents to offer.

Lots of people have questioned whether you actually asked, but so far you've not answered.

Original poster
LeglessinRotherham · 07/02/2023 20:37

To those asking if I have asked for help with childcare...fair point, and no I haven't. I guess I had the impression they didn't want to do it this time around and I didn't want to put them on the spot and have them say yes out of obligation.

My dad has also had some health issues (these are ongoing).

So perhaps I will just chalk it up to me not asking (which I still think was the right thing to do given the above). Thanks for this perspective, it has helped!

OP posts:
Helpyou · 07/02/2023 20:48

It sounds like they were asked? If you haven't asked then can't really complain!

JudgeRudy · 07/02/2023 20:51

LeglessinRotherham · 07/02/2023 20:14

My parents used to look after my little boy and niece together 1 day a week while I worked- they volunteered to do this which we gratefully accepted. The rest of the time my DC was in paid nursery. This arrangement understandably stopped during the pandemic. We've since had another child, as have my brother and SIL. There was no mention of the offer of childcare for us this time around and I assumed this meant my parents no longer wanted to take on that role again- absolutely fair enough, they are a few years older and I am happy for them to enjoy their retirement. We put our younger DC in nursery full time. I've just found out through a mutual aquaintance that my parents are looking after my niece a day a week regularly. I was already aware that they do this a lot (this is something that has never been offered to us) but I didn't realise that this was a regular thing. This is while my SIL does keeping in touch days, and they are planning to carry on when she is back working I believe. I only managed to do one KIT day on my mat leave due to having no childcare (my other half had limited annual leave at the time to cover me). AIBU to be upset? Should I broach this with anybody? Or is it just fair enough that my parents are free to do what they want with their time? To be clear it's not the lack of help that's most upsetting (although to be fair I would absolutely love some more help as I feel like I'm drowning most if the time ) but rather the disparity and apparent secrecy. For full disclosure I would say that there is a history of my brother and his family being favoured by my parents over me and mine.

I think you're unreasonable to make presumptions. How do you know ow your parents 'offered'? Maybe they were asked. Maybe they assumed you would carry on where you left off post covid but didn't. Perhaps they're telling others you seemed to have everything sorted and didn't want them involved anymore. Maybe your sister (and family) and your parents were in a bubble together and she's grown closer to those grandchildren. Maybe theyre in a finacial mess. Maybe your sons a handful....so many maybes and perhapses.
I'd just concentrate on ensuring you maintain a good relationship with them and your sister.

lifeinthehills · 07/02/2023 20:54

Since you didn't ask them if they were still willing to look after your son and just assumed, you need to consider that your not asking might have been assumed by them to mean you didn't want childcare. They might think that if you wanted it, you'd have asked. Maybe they are hurt that you didn't ask? This is what happens when people don't communicate. Yes, I think you're unreasonable to be hurt on the basis of assumption and lack of communication.

DragonHouse · 07/02/2023 20:55

YABU. They asked, and received. You didn’t ask, so of course you didn’t receive.

Genevie82 · 07/02/2023 20:59

.. I wonder if perhaps there are some issues going on with your brother and SIL needing some extra family support - that’s why they are having their grand children more and don’t feel you need it as much, keeping it low key to be descreet xx

EmmaDilemma5 · 07/02/2023 21:02

I would just ask your parents. It's not a taboo subject. If you don't ask, you don't get. It's possible they aren't doing it because you haven't asked, maybe they feel you don't want/need them to.