To be hurt (grandparents and childcare)

[LeglessinRotherham]

My parents used to look after my little boy and niece together 1 day a week while I worked- they volunteered to do this which we gratefully accepted. The rest of the time my DC was in paid nursery. This arrangement understandably stopped during the pandemic. We've since had another child, as have my brother and SIL. There was no mention of the offer of childcare for us this time around and I assumed this meant my parents no longer wanted to take on that role again- absolutely fair enough, they are a few years older and I am happy for them to enjoy their retirement. We put our younger DC in nursery full time. I've just found out through a mutual aquaintance that my parents are looking after my niece a day a week regularly. I was already aware that they do this a lot (this is something that has never been offered to us) but I didn't realise that this was a regular thing. This is while my SIL does keeping in touch days, and they are planning to carry on when she is back working I believe. I only managed to do one KIT day on my mat leave due to having no childcare (my other half had limited annual leave at the time to cover me). AIBU to be upset? Should I broach this with anybody? Or is it just fair enough that my parents are free to do what they want with their time? To be clear it's not the lack of help that's most upsetting (although to be fair I would absolutely love some more help as I feel like I'm drowning most if the time ) but rather the disparity and apparent secrecy. For full disclosure I would say that there is a history of my brother and his family being favoured by my parents over me and mine.

I can really understand how you feel. If they'd been upfront and let you know it would be fine. It may well be that they don't want to manage more than 1 small child at a time (it's harder when you're older), and once a week is enough for them. And your brother asked first.
But ideally they'd let you know and offer taking your kids for a Saturday now and then or school holidays or similar. Not that they're obligated to childcare as you've said, but it's building a close relationship with one grandchild and not (seemingly) showing an interest in balancing this with time/interest in yours.

I'd probably raise it with both brother and them separately as just "oh and I hear you have X on Mondays now, how's it going?" in a positive/interested in them way.
And at some point ask directly for something concrete like a Saturday afternoon and night off with them babysitting.
Maybe I'm a bit wet but I don't think you can or want to make demands for childcare as it's their choice. But if neither of the above results in an explanation/further offer of help or time with your kids then it's a pretty clear they are playing favourites and you probably just have to accept that, though I'd be pissed off.

Come on. Don't be a dick.

You didn't ask.

It’s awkward, if grandparents have one grandchild one day a week then they ought to have the other for one day too to make it fair. That’s if both sets of parents are working & in the same boat etc.

as someone who has never had any childcare help whatsoever from any family, we had to pay full childcare, I couldn’t go back to work after my second as it wasn’t affordable re childcare, anyway, as someone who has never had any help offered whatsoever, I want to be like the grandmas I see in the playground when/if I ever become a grandparent because I’ll always remember how bloody hard it is doing it all yourself.

By the same token, the grandparents don’t ‘owe’ free childcare. It’s just really lovely if they actively want to help and spend time with the kiddos.

Stop letting it fester and just ask them. Maybe she asked. Maybe they think you are sorted. To be fair you have said they are older - maybe they are thinking two is too many and since you have not asked they won't encourage you.
You are trying to paint the picture you accept they get to make their own decisions but you are not doing a good job sorry of making it believable you do!
Also, I have boy / girls twins so have had my fair share of boys on playdates and girls on playdates at those ages....the girls mostly played quietly with each other...the boys mostly were noisy and drove me crazy.....you might find your niece is easy to look after.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. To those who think my parents assumed we didn't want any help...is that a common thing that people wouldn't want help?!

Nursery is so expensive and in an ideal world I'd love my LO to be in a less institutionalised setting at least some of the time. My parents definitely know I'd rather not have DC in nursery if I could avoid it (but like most of us people I need to work).

@wp65

If you think that people don't have favourites, you're being incredibly naive. 🤷🏻‍♀️

First sentence: My parents used to look after my little boy and niece together 1 day a week while I worked- they volunteered to do this which we gratefully accepted.

Decent GPs might have a preference but would keep it to themselves.

Maybe they actually asked and grandparents said yes? Maybe your politeness has just gone against you in this instance but the relatives have been slightly cheekier. Maybe grandparents didn't feel like they could say no and they prob would have said yes if you asked too? But since you didn't they're not gonna go out of their way as they don't really want to? Hope that makes sense

I'd have to ask them why.

They can do what they like, I suppose, but it seems hurtful.

Would your parents have been able to say no if asked by you brother? Maybe they didn’t want to do childcare but werent able to say no when he asked (I know some people struggle with saying no).

when you say it’s a secret. Has it just not been mentioned or have they actually lied. Like do you seem them regularly and they have made a concerted effort to hide it? If so that would annoy me more tha anything else. I hate lying.

Your DB is the golden child, step away and remember your DB & SIL can return the favour and help care for your parents whilst you stay stepped back.

I'd assume they asked and you didn't. When I had my ds ils never offered but then went on to have sils dd twice a week. I think sometimes parents do favour one over another.

You didn’t ask. Your brother presumably did. I expect it’s that simple and for all you know if you asked them now they would be more than happy to have your youngest for you. YABU.

Maybe you need to ask, my in-laws don’t do anything unless we ask, they never normally say no but they never offer either. I do find it awkward though, to keep asking, so we would only ask if desperate. SIL was always asking, and got more help .

Oh come on. GPs don't get to be punished for not doing childcare that they haven't been asked to do. And a day a week of childcare doesn't translate to DB doing all the GP care when they need it.

OP has said that she didn't ask.
She's already said that the GPs are older now than when they looked after the two children before. Maybe they weren't intending doing the same because of that, but then DB asked them and they felt they couldn't say no.

I finnd it really tiring having my gorgeous toddler DGD for the day. Having two would be even harder. And year on year I'm losing energy for this kind of thing. I love having her, but I'd not want to commit for a day a week for two children at my age. Three or four years ago, maybe I could have.

Presumably they can't offer unlimited childcare and they're grandparents not childminders so I think you abu.

If your brother seems to be the favourite in regards to the kids - can you think of a reason this might be?

I'm only asking. But ask yourself whether you were dropping your kids off with a list of does and don'ts? Special diets, only eating homecooked or grilling them about minor details, texting for updates, specifying naps, baby can't do xyz etc? Or do you have too much of a laid back approach vs your parents in terms of - we don't say 'no', we talk about gentle hands which your parents might be eye-rolling at etc etc
Were you frequently late when picking up? Did you show appreciation with meals out, or invites round, vouchers, the odd bottle of wine given or other financial contributions?

When my Mum has had this between my two brothers and their kids/families - there's been a reason her side (even if she didnt disclose it except to me). It was a, 'I don't want to offer to X because last time they did Y and I feel so unappreciated.'

It was never about the kids - always about how my brothers and wives treated her that led to periods of time when she was more for helping one than the other and to be honest, alot of the time, I could see her point.

My brothers though never recognised it in themselves. I suppose you wouldn't unless pointed at.

The other point could be your brother needs the help more than you - maybe for financial reasons, or possibly because a full time spot n nursery wasn't available for them. Could be they don't want to be doing it, but are because your brothers in a pinch.

So true, there also seem to be new health issues experienced by the parents.
Any childcare received from grandparents is a plus and not to be expected.

The op has said their is history of her brother and his family being favoured over her and her family, that's why I suggested stepping back.

It's really simple. You assumed. M
Shy bairns get nowt.

Maybe your brother asked, they aren’t keen on the idea so didn’t offer, but didn’t feel like they could say no? Perhaps if you asked, they’d look after your little one too. Maybe it’d be too much, but your brother asked first?

Maybe they feel offended you’ve put your baby in FT childcare and haven’t asked them this time around, hence then not mentioning having your niece?

i think I’d be a bit hurt too OP.

the secrecy is odd. Do you see them often enough that it would/should have come up in conversation?

If they haven't offered then the probably do feel it is getting a bit much, you have been thoughtful by not putting them on the spit. Brother has probably asked and they felt unable to say no. You are doing the right thing.