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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit left out at work

37 replies

Painauchocolats · 07/02/2023 13:41

In the past 5 years or so I've just really struggled making friends, I don't know why. I made some in school, uni and postgraduate study and in my early jobs but it's just gotten harder.
I'm 32, and work full time in a team of predominantly women, along with 3 men.
I actually worked at this place around 3 years ago for a few months but left due to the hours, and I started back just over a month ago.
I don't know if I'm expecting a lot after a month but I've got absolutely nothing social in the pipeline, and I haven't got the courage to ask anyone.
I know a lot of them are going on a big night out next month as they've been discussing it. I've tried adding a few of them on social media and I try to chat to them on shift.
I think I'm good at my job (hopefully) and I work hard, I pick up a lot of overtime too.
There are a small number of staff there who, even though they're always nice to me, they prefer working with other people for whatever reason. There are some tasks where 2 people are required and some in which one person is sufficient. Some of these staff will always work together and ask if I want to do the individual work. I don't mind either, I just don't know why they don't want to work with me. They also won't make much conversation on shift with me. Some staff always do though and are happy to work with me alone.

My partner said that he and his colleagues started going out for drinks a few days after he started working there . He wasn't rubbing it in, I just asked him how long it had taken and he told me.
I don't have many friends in general, fortunately I have my partner and family.
I don't have any poor hygiene that I know of, I'm always smiling, I'm polite and show an interest. I'm trying hard to think of what might put them off.
I'm a little quiet at times but once I get to know the person well I'm ok. A lot of my colleagues are from the local area and all know the same people, and I seem to have had a different sort of background. I don't know if they see me as a bit of an outlier.

Maybe people think I'm a little weird. I've done agency work for a while before this and I thought finally now I'm in one place, I'll hopefully make friends.
Not sure what the solution is really, sorry for the rant. Just seems so much easier for everyone else I know.

OP posts:

Original poster

Painauchocolats · 07/02/2023 13:41

Also many of the staff from 3 years ago are still there

OP posts:

HolidayHun2020 · 07/02/2023 13:47

Hmmm this is a tricky one OP. In all honesty I’m sure there is nothing wrong with you. They are probably all so close after three years that it might just be hard to break in to the group. I’ve made all my close friends through work and it has honestly taken a good 6 months to really solidify friendships and bed in to existing groups in all scenarios. Were there any instances where they invited you out early on and you said no? I used to work with a girl who swerved a work Christmas party and a few other social things to hang out with her boyfriend who she lived with (the majority of stuff was things that could’ve been rearranged) we didn’t bother after a couple of invites and she didn’t make any pals! I also have a good friend who says she only invites the newbie for lunch on their first day and after that her jobs done and she doesn’t try again

LanaCara · 07/02/2023 13:55

What did you mean by a different sort of background?

Also, you've only been there a very short time so this might be it

latetothefisting · 07/02/2023 14:03

To be honest some times it just takes a while! I was similar, there was a big group of women roughly the same age as me in my old job -i was friendly etc (and so were they) but it took at least a year to sort of make the jump from friendly colleagues to friends.

With the paired work I'm sure you'd prefer if given the choice to do something with a nice person you don't know that well or a close friend you'd go with the close friend too. Bear in mind if they are all really good mates who have worked together for years they might want to chat about stuff they are not comfortable sharing with someone who, as much as they might like you, they don't know that well yet (relationship issues, mental health, family illness, whatever).

Particulalry if it's the type of job where there's a lot of agency stsff/people coming and going it would be natural to not be incredibly friendly immediately with someone if they might not be around next month.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 07/02/2023 14:16

I think you need to concentrate on finding friends outside work. Work friendships are possible but they evolve slowly, and it is not really what the workplace is for.

plebclass · 07/02/2023 14:27

Maybe just focus on making individual bonds instead of trying to get in with the whole group. I find you just need to really organically click with 1 person – whether in the existing in-group or a fellow newbie – and (if you're sociable, pleasant, etc) you will find your place within the wider group over time, and be automatically included in things.

KarmaStar · 07/02/2023 14:35

Hi op,
Try not to take any of this personally it's just people who know each other wanting to work together.
If you can,why not invite them all for a drink after work one day?I know it will take courage,but by doing something that says you're making an effort to get to know everyone rather than sitting quietly and anxiously on the side lines waiting for an ' in '.
If that would be too much for you ,you could make a cake,take it in then be social with it,not just leaving it out for sharing and hoping it will make you some friends,it won't,but cut it and physically and light heartedly offer a slice to each,chatting,asking questions,saying bits about yourself.
As the outsider you'll need to make a bigger effort.see if anyone has anything in common with you,kids or sports,hobbies etc.
You can do this!go get involved.
Good luck.🌈

Original poster

Painauchocolats · 07/02/2023 14:44

I mean i seem to be the only one who's come from an area further away, whereas they're pretty much all from a neighborhood where people all know each other, it shouldn't matter but it might play a role.
Sorry I meant I was agency staff in the past, but I'm here permanently.
Yeah, maybe I expect too much only after a month. Workplaces can certainly be a way to make friends, in the same way uni or school can. Not everyone can meet people in other ways.

OP posts:

Original poster

Painauchocolats · 07/02/2023 14:45

But thanks and I'll try not to take it personally

OP posts:

maddy68 · 07/02/2023 14:47

Why don't you sat. Anyone fancy a quick drink after work Friday ?

You have to be proactive.

Bring some cake in one day, maje yourself more "visible"

GoodChat · 07/02/2023 14:48

What kind of work do you do?

New colleagues adding me on social media wouldn't be appealing to me to be honest.

Original poster

Painauchocolats · 07/02/2023 14:48

The cake is a good idea.
I can just imagine asking and people will say yeah sure, but then it won't happen. That's often the case :/

OP posts:

Original poster

Painauchocolats · 07/02/2023 14:49

Everyone there has each other on social media, and they could've declined my request I guess if it bothered them..

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Original poster

Painauchocolats · 07/02/2023 14:50

How long should someone work there before it's deemed acceptable to send a social media request?

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GoodChat · 07/02/2023 14:55

Painauchocolats · 07/02/2023 14:50

How long should someone work there before it's deemed acceptable to send a social media request?

I'd only accept a colleagues social media request if I was really good friends with them outside of work. I don't want people I hardly know seeing all my social media activity, but I guess it depends on individuals feelings towards it.

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 07/02/2023 15:03

I think its just to soon I think it takes around 6 months to properly fit into a job

Aprilx · 07/02/2023 15:08

Painauchocolats · 07/02/2023 14:50

How long should someone work there before it's deemed acceptable to send a social media request?

I would never send a social media request to a colleague and certainly not as a way of making friends. I might do once we were already good friends. I have a lot of ex colleagues on my Facebook account now, but they were people I added after I left.

NumberTheory · 07/02/2023 15:23

Painauchocolats · 07/02/2023 14:44

I think that could make a fairly big difference. They don’t just have 3 plus years of working together at this company, they have shared knowledge of schools and nightclubs. Probably shared friends outside of work, even relatives. Have been to the same places, shopped in the same shops, used the same slang, etc. growing up.

That doesn’t make it impossible to becomes friends, but I think it means you have to be aware your not going to slip into friendships in the way they have. And they probably haven’t thought about how they all gelled together on the basis of this shared background and they need to make more effort with you.

Again, this is one more thing that isn’t personal but means you’re going to have to be more forthright and try and make space for friendships to develop.

Maybe ask them explicitly about places they talk about together, ask for advice on where is good for something you’re interested in, etc. Try and click with one or two of them. And if there’s a non awkward way to ask to do one of the partnered jobs (seeing how more experienced people do it/mentoring?) then try and do that from time to time.

OriginalUsername2 · 07/02/2023 15:27

A month isn’t long at all so don’t worry.

Are you casually revealing things about yourself so they can get to know you and feel more comfortable?

I think it takes maybe a few months to a year. Time and shared work experiences you can bond a bit over. Hang in there!

Backtoreality1 · 07/02/2023 15:39

Probably not helpful, but I would never class my work colleagues as my social group. Yes, we have the odd meal our or drink, but I see this more as team building. Don't get me wrong, I am friendly with most, and have better relationships with some than others. However, this is work....not my life.

Floogal · 07/02/2023 16:31

You said you overhear them organising a night out, just take the plunge and ask outright if you can join them. Obviously don't gatecrash!

Not nice working somewhere where everyone is so nice to eachother but leave you out. Also the other thing is being isolated and unpopular can mean being overlooked for promotion or more vulnerable to dismissal

Nevermind31 · 07/02/2023 16:43

Just give it some time. A month isn’t very long at all.
but also… could you be too desperate?
i am friends with very few people at work, and that has taken years. I would find it very odd if a newbie would try to add me on social media (other than linked in) and I wouldn’t accept it.
stay friendly… eventually you are not the newbie anymore

Goldandpurplezebra · 07/02/2023 16:50

I think you could risk searching for something wrong with you to explain why you've not made friends when really it could just be that there's no connection. You can't hit it off with everybody and that should be your aim. Why not increase you chances of making friends elsewhere. Join some classes, start a hobby.

Ridingfree · 07/02/2023 16:54

I used to socialise a lot with colleagues before I had kids. Now it's so far down my list of priorities I never do. I would like to I just don't have the capacity to. Maybe they have other priorities than socialising with work colleagues?

Original poster

Painauchocolats · 07/02/2023 17:17

As I wrote, they socialise with each other..

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