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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law and mothers day

50 replies

Unicornsparkle2 · 07/02/2023 12:15

I need some advice on Mother’s Day, I have 2 kids (11 & 13) and normally I get some lovely presents for mil saying worlds best Nan and I always get my children to make her something. Last year she saw my children 4 times, one of those she chose to see the kids the other times we were in the same place. She chooses not to be actively involved in their lives. With Mother’s Day coming up I am wondering what to get her, I don’t want to get the usual for her as I feel she doesn’t deserve it, I

OP posts:
CraneBoysMysteries · 07/02/2023 12:16

Sorry, I'm going to be the first to say this but not the last.

Your DH can deal with his own mother surely?

MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 07/02/2023 12:17

Why are you getting her anything? She's not your mum.

In nearly 20 years together DH has never once expected me to get presents for his mum, on Mother's Day or any other.

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/02/2023 12:18

She isnt your mother...
Where is your DH in all this?

Namechanger965 · 07/02/2023 12:25

I put YABU as I don’t understand why you’re bothering. She doesn’t have a close relationship to your kids. Just don’t bother or leave your husband to sort it.

TheTeenageYears · 07/02/2023 12:29

It's Mother's Day, not Nan's Day - she is neither your nor your DC's mother so nothing is required from you. DH can organise card/gift/lunch as appropriate to HIS relationship with HIS mother.

MaggieFS · 07/02/2023 12:32

Errrrr - what does your DH do for his mother?

Topseyt123 · 07/02/2023 12:35

Could DH not be organising the Mothers' Day gift for his mother?

BettyBoo123456 · 07/02/2023 12:43

TheTeenageYears · 07/02/2023 12:29

It's Mother's Day, not Nan's Day - she is neither your nor your DC's mother so nothing is required from you. DH can organise card/gift/lunch as appropriate to HIS relationship with HIS mother.

This don’t bother.

Maray1967 · 07/02/2023 13:30

I get mine a card from dC as I do for my step
mum but I don’t get a Mum card for her from DH - he does that. But you don’t have to get one that says best Nan - just get a neutral one.

UnattendedPotato · 07/02/2023 13:32

Yabu to make this work gor yourself.
1 she's very obviously not the "world's best nan"

  1. She's your dh mum not yours.
Best I would do is remind my DH two weeks out that mothers day is x date, he's an adult who can figure it out. However also remind my teen when grandparents' day & grandparents* birthdays are because I'm trying to bring up a polite child. I also warn them of the social consequences of not building these connections longterm. *they're his family, my DParents are dead Give yourself a break and drop that rope.
WarrickDavisAsPlates · 07/02/2023 13:38

Is your husband getting your mum something? Just get the same thing for his mum.

(I'm assuming that will be absolutely nothing)

CrazyCorgi · 07/02/2023 14:01

Agree with others, it’s not nan’s day so you can drop it based on that alone. Tbh, your kids are old enough that if they choose to send something then they will. If they don’t ask to then that tells you all you need to know.

Original poster
Unicornsparkle2 · 07/02/2023 15:34

Thank you for the replies, since we have been together I have always been the one who has got his mum something. He has never once bothered as he knows I will do it. It's the same with all gifts throughout the year. I no if I don't get her something he won't get her anything but she will see it as me not bothering to do it, she can do no wrong in her eyes.

OP posts:
Headabovetheparakeet · 07/02/2023 15:59

Well just tell him you're not doing it this year so he should think about what he wants to get her. If you're feeling very generous, remind him a week before.

I'll never understand why women seem to take the gift giver role in most relationships.

catandcoffee · 07/02/2023 16:45

Stop it all you Women that do this.

If my adult sons didn't get me anything for Mothers day.....I would NEVER blame their partner,ever.

Stop being responsible for things that aren't your responsibility.

PortiasBiscuit · 07/02/2023 16:50

I will be doing my MIL’s card because this is how labour is split in our house. My DH changed a flat tyre on my car this week.
I struggle with wording on cards too, look for one that says “Happy Mother’s Day” and send her a smelly candle. Job done!

DestinysGrandchild · 07/02/2023 16:51

Just tell him he gets her something or she gets nothing.

WFHbore2023 · 07/02/2023 16:52

You don't need to get her anything from your children - she isn't their mother.

My partner doesn't put mine or my children's names in Mother's Day cards, they are from him.

Chupney · 07/02/2023 16:54

Stop bothering with her because she can't be bothered with you! He needs to deal with it. And any consequences from him not doing it.

whatevenissleepanymore · 07/02/2023 17:48

I wouldn't feel oblidged to buy her bugger all after not making any sort of substantial effort to maintain a relationship with my children for such a lengthy period of time. But to save the animosity and the family drama, maybe just a simple card and a small cheap bunch of flowers.

amiold · 07/02/2023 17:59

I get why you do it. I do the same. Teaches your kids good values, to be thoughtful and give without the expectation of receiving (as in they get nothing from her in return in form of gifts or love) but it's nice to be nice etc.

I'd get a plain card and some chocs. But because of how she is you could also stop. Kids are of an age to understand values and can't decide if enquiry want to continue going forward.

Tinkerbyebye · 07/02/2023 18:08

Just tell your dh that from this year you are not doing the presents for his side of the family for anything. I really don’t see why grandkids get grandmothers anything
clues in the name, mothers day

Hoppinggreen · 07/02/2023 18:09

The person who’s mother she is gets her a present etc

cptartapp · 07/02/2023 18:27

I love my MIL but don't get her anything. She's not my mum so DH sees to it. I don't even put my name in the card.

Cherrysoup · 07/02/2023 18:33

Unicornsparkle2 · 07/02/2023 15:34

Thank you for the replies, since we have been together I have always been the one who has got his mum something. He has never once bothered as he knows I will do it. It's the same with all gifts throughout the year. I no if I don't get her something he won't get her anything but she will see it as me not bothering to do it, she can do no wrong in her eyes.

Why on earth do you do the wife work? That’s just ridiculous. Tell him you’re handing over the reins to him.