Page 2 | Mother in law and mothers day

Unicornsparkle2 · 2023-02-07T12:15:07+00:00

I need some advice on Mother’s Day, I have 2 kids (11 & 13) and normally I get some lovely presents for mil saying worlds best Nan and I always get my children to make her something. Last year she saw my children 4 times, one of those she chose to see the kids the other times we were in the same place. She chooses not to be actively involved in their lives. With Mother’s Day coming up I am wondering what to get her, I don’t want to get the usual for her as I feel she doesn’t deserve it, I

IWonderWhyIBother · 07/02/2023 18:36

Christmas and even birthdays I was more than happy to buy gifts from the family for my MIL & FIL but mother’s and Father’s Day were DH’s responsibility. And neither my mum or MIL had a gift from the DC for Mother’s Day. What did they do for their mother before you were so generously given the responsibility?

Dacadactyl · 07/02/2023 18:39

I always get the presents in this house too, so I don't see that as being an issue. I'm PT, he's FT, as part of the general division of labour, I do the present stuff.

I would just get the kids to make her a card or a drawing, get a generic "happy mothers day nanny" card, but nothing too flowery or OTT words wise. And maybe a box of chocolates.

NoDairyNoProblem · 07/02/2023 18:44

I get MIL’s but more because DH would grab a £££ bunch of flowers from the florist and a voucher for the spa etc and it was too much when we had a mortgage/DC and so as we have joint finances I suggested cutting back. Both mums get a manicure voucher from us and a bunch of daffodils from the DC!

I would grab a bunch of daffodils and if the DC want to make a card that’s up to them.

DuplicateUserName · 07/02/2023 18:49

Unicornsparkle2 · 07/02/2023 15:34

Thank you for the replies, since we have been together I have always been the one who has got his mum something. He has never once bothered as he knows I will do it. It's the same with all gifts throughout the year. I no if I don't get her something he won't get her anything but she will see it as me not bothering to do it, she can do no wrong in her eyes.

What a piss poor example to set your kids.

"It's women's work".

You need to try and turn this around OP before it's ingrained and they really start to believe that (if it's not too late).

ApocalypseNowt · 07/02/2023 19:03

I started down this path once. When I realised I informed DH his family was now his job. On the one occasion he forgot MIL sniped at me that I'd missed getting her card I calmly replied that no, it was her son that had forgotten.

Headabovetheparakeet · 08/02/2023 15:26

amiold · 07/02/2023 17:59

I get why you do it. I do the same. Teaches your kids good values, to be thoughtful and give without the expectation of receiving (as in they get nothing from her in return in form of gifts or love) but it's nice to be nice etc.

I'd get a plain card and some chocs. But because of how she is you could also stop. Kids are of an age to understand values and can't decide if enquiry want to continue going forward.

It teaches your kids that thoughtfulness and gift giving is women's work.

amiold · 08/02/2023 15:27

@Headabovetheparakeet nonsense. Typical mumsnet on the oh poor women view. I'm sure lots of men do things that teach their kids thoughtfulness too

AnnaMagnani · 08/02/2023 15:34

My MIL tried passing me the gift and card giving when I got married.

I did it for a year and Found it time-consuming and thankless. Thanks to mumsnet telling me about wifework i told her i was giving up andDH would be doing it.

She was annoyed and clearly thought I was a bad DIL but ultimately no-one died and years later our relationship recovered.

Sceptre86 · 08/02/2023 15:38

If you don't want to get her anything with world's best nan on it then don't! Flowers and a box of chocolates from the kids is more than enough, her actual son should be getting her a decent present. The issue is that your partner is lazy and should be sorting it out himself.

SalviaOfficinalis · 08/02/2023 15:42

amiold · 07/02/2023 17:59

I get why you do it. I do the same. Teaches your kids good values, to be thoughtful and give without the expectation of receiving (as in they get nothing from her in return in form of gifts or love) but it's nice to be nice etc.

I'd get a plain card and some chocs. But because of how she is you could also stop. Kids are of an age to understand values and can't decide if enquiry want to continue going forward.

The values being “mum buys all the presents because dad’s time is far too important for all this women’s work”.

amiold · 08/02/2023 15:43

Maybe dad does other things. I doubt mum does everything she just does this because it works for her and her husband. She does it for her husband because that's how relationships work. Would you have an issue with him changing her tyre or should he do things like that because he's a man??

DappledThings · 08/02/2023 15:46

It's never crossed my mind to get my mum or MIL anything from my DC. I get something for my Mum, DH does for his. It's nothing to do with grandchildren and grandparents.

AmandaHoldensLips · 08/02/2023 15:53

Why are you enabling your DH to be a thoughtless lazy git?

Make a change. Tell him that from now on all gifting/cards for birthdays christmas and any other occasion for his family members are his responsibility.

If you're worried about the reflection on you, then you can tell all his family members that this is the new arrangement.

THIS IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. In fact it just helps to perpetuate the patriarchy and the ridiculous notion that all this kind of stuff is woman-work.

Lkydfju · 08/02/2023 15:53

I think if you don’t get her anything that will be quite a pointed dig so instead maybe just a standard box of chocolates or something equally generic
I don’t really think it should be your job but I get why you’ve fallen into doing it. I do this for my mil as she’s like a second mum to me and DH is rubbish

Haffdonga · 08/02/2023 15:59

Perfect time of year to be up front and let everybody know in a friendly and positive way that you're handing over this particular mental load to your dh. It doesn't need to be a big deal, you could just mention in a jokey way to MIL that dh is going to oversee the dcs' card making/shopping efforts from this year so not to be surprised if things are a little quirky (or something). Then explain in very straightforward terms to Dh that he is in charge of his own mother's gifts.
Then you could message her yourself on MD just to send love and your own wishes and show there's no bad feeling whether he does anything or not. (Poor MIL having such a lazy selfish ds)

Headabovetheparakeet · 08/02/2023 16:01

@amiold

Do you have a son? At what point in their life do you expect them to stop doing it and let their partner take over?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/02/2023 16:02

You tell dh it's his time to do this.

If MIL comments, "dh and I now split the gift shopping for our own sides of the families"

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/02/2023 16:04

amiold · 07/02/2023 17:59

I get why you do it. I do the same. Teaches your kids good values, to be thoughtful and give without the expectation of receiving (as in they get nothing from her in return in form of gifts or love) but it's nice to be nice etc.

I'd get a plain card and some chocs. But because of how she is you could also stop. Kids are of an age to understand values and can't decide if enquiry want to continue going forward.

Teaches your kids there's mum jobs (regardless of whose family).

Not a lesson I'd be wanting my kids (especially daughters) to think is the case.

AbsoluteYawns · 08/02/2023 16:04

catandcoffee · 07/02/2023 16:45

Stop it all you Women that do this.

If my adult sons didn't get me anything for Mothers day.....I would NEVER blame their partner,ever.

Stop being responsible for things that aren't your responsibility.

This in spades. STOP carrying the mental load your husband should!

CleaningOutMyCloset · 08/02/2023 16:06

Just tell your dh that's it's about time he took responsibility for his Mum at Mother's Day, and that you'll be stepping back and not getting involved

SwishSwipe · 08/02/2023 16:27

I've been here OP. It takes a lot of mental effort to drop this rope.

I was more than happy to do the 'wife's work' at the start of our relationship - more than happy to cook a meal/take MIL (and FIL) out on mother's day, make sure she had a nice present from DH and a little something from the DC...then the reality of the situation hit (similar scenario to you). It also felt wrong to give her cards from the DC when she made very little effort with them for more than one reason.

I would just stop this year. Your DC are now old enough for you not to have to facilitate this. It isn't grandparents day but even so she hasn't been a good grandparent to them so sending cards/gifts seems like a hollow gesture, and not one I would encourage the DC to do.

I would remind your DH though (the day before if local or a few days before it posting was required - simply because this is a change and he has the expectation you would do it) about it being mother's day on Sunday let him know you hadn't bought anything for his mum, so it is down to him. It is up to him what he does with that information. Don't nag him to send a card/gift - if he doesn't that is his choice. She may well place all the blame at your door, but that doesn't mean you have to open the door and let it in. If her son doesn't give her something on mother's day that is his choice and nothing to do with you.

amiold · 08/02/2023 16:38

SwishSwipe · 08/02/2023 16:27

I've been here OP. It takes a lot of mental effort to drop this rope.

I was more than happy to do the 'wife's work' at the start of our relationship - more than happy to cook a meal/take MIL (and FIL) out on mother's day, make sure she had a nice present from DH and a little something from the DC...then the reality of the situation hit (similar scenario to you). It also felt wrong to give her cards from the DC when she made very little effort with them for more than one reason.

I would just stop this year. Your DC are now old enough for you not to have to facilitate this. It isn't grandparents day but even so she hasn't been a good grandparent to them so sending cards/gifts seems like a hollow gesture, and not one I would encourage the DC to do.

I would remind your DH though (the day before if local or a few days before it posting was required - simply because this is a change and he has the expectation you would do it) about it being mother's day on Sunday let him know you hadn't bought anything for his mum, so it is down to him. It is up to him what he does with that information. Don't nag him to send a card/gift - if he doesn't that is his choice. She may well place all the blame at your door, but that doesn't mean you have to open the door and let it in. If her son doesn't give her something on mother's day that is his choice and nothing to do with you.

This is good advice.

Like you say you were happy and then you weren't (for valid reasons) and informing DH so he can decide himself .. not just stopping in a bid to make a point but because it's warranted

NerrSnerr · 08/02/2023 17:54

catandcoffee · 07/02/2023 16:45

Stop it all you Women that do this.

If my adult sons didn't get me anything for Mothers day.....I would NEVER blame their partner,ever.

Stop being responsible for things that aren't your responsibility.

100% agree with this.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/02/2023 18:51

Unicornsparkle2 · 07/02/2023 15:34

Thank you for the replies, since we have been together I have always been the one who has got his mum something. He has never once bothered as he knows I will do it. It's the same with all gifts throughout the year. I no if I don't get her something he won't get her anything but she will see it as me not bothering to do it, she can do no wrong in her eyes.

'She will see it as me not bothering'

'Can you let me know,Sue, why this is my responsibility, not your son's?'

And agree with the post above, if you want to be your husbands door mat, you go girl, but stop showing your kids that this is wife work.

OldandTired66 · 09/02/2023 10:14

'She will see it as me not bothering'
Let her see. She doesn't bother with you or her grandchildren so 🤷🏼‍♀️. My mum told us as children that Mother's day was just a commercial rip off so not to bother. I never gave my MIL anything, though sometimes signed the card her son bought her. If he remembered.