To look again at this friendship

[Startingtofeelratherstretched]

I met up with a couple of friends today for lunch in a small independent cafe. Brief history, met a few years ago as work, got on well together and have children a similar age. I have found her to be abrupt in some situations but put that down to her being very passionate about her beliefs and a sort of no nonsense kind of person. I invited her into my "outside of work" social group.

The cafe was very busy, its a small place and every table was full. My friend chose what she wanted and ordered her food first. I was distracted by my baby and maybe 5 minutes later ordered mine. When my food arrived she made a very big fuss about having ordered first. Then when her food came she complained further that it was wrong (for example think brown bread instead of white). She acted like a stroppy teenager picking up her food and dropping it back on the table, saying she had waited too long and was feeling ill having not eaten yet.

The way she spoke to the woman serving was horrendous. I was shocked. I felt so embarrassed and am kicking myself that I did nothing. I think I was just so gobsmacked by the whole thing that I just sat there like a houseplant. I did try and catch the woman as we left but didn't manage so instead left a tip on the table.

I'm really reconsidering my friendship after this. I saw a side to her that was very unpleasant and not something I'd like to be around again. AIBU ? I messaged the other friend who was with us, mentioning Xs problem with her meal and she straight away said she was also very surprised by what had gone on but that perhaps there is something going on at home or work we are not aware of. I don't really think that's an excuse to talk to another human like they are something you have stood in! I'm asking because she had now messaged me tonight asking about tea at the weekend and frankly I'm hesitant to accept.

Nope! I judge people tremendously by how they treat others and her attitude was gross. There’s a polite and decent way to express you aren’t happy to someone. I would be mortified to be seen with her again, there’s just no excuse for it! Sorry you had such a rubbish time, sounds as if it should have been so pleasant and she ruined it!

I don’t like people who are arsed to people who can’t respond in kind, so I’d back off.

No no no! That is an enormous red flag. ENORMOUS. Run.

It sounds stressful and I don't have friends that stress me out, at least not like that. It wouldn't be for me either, OP.

Yes it should have been a pleasant lunch but I felt on edge the whole time in case something else upset her. It's made me look back at a lot of things and see them differently!

Having worked in retail / hospitality when I was younger, people who treat people in those sectors badly have automatically nope'd themselves out of my friendship book.

I can't abide people talking down to or abusing people providing a service.

I would politely refuse any further attempts to meet up (really, REALLY politely, just to hammer the point home).

Maya Angelou had a useful phrase
‘When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time’

Your friend may be having difficulties at home / work but her behave was unacceptable

You don't need that in your life x

If no-one ever points out how rude she is being, she will carry on being shitty to servers wherever she goes, so you could consider it a public service to put her straight.

"No thanks. I didn't like the way you were so rude to the server at lunch today. I'm not up for a repeat performance."

We all have moments of losing our cool and behaving rudely - but it doesn’t sound like this was an isolated incident? It’s just that in the past you’ve seen her as “no-nonsense” and now you’re seeing it differently.

If you value the friendship, then I’d try to have an actual conversation about it- along the lines of “is everything ok? You were very rude at the cafe, I wondered if anything is stressing you out?”. Makes clear you didn’t like/agree with the behaviour while giving her a face saving way to recognise it wasn’t ok.

If I was on a date with a bloke and he was rude to staff like this, I definitely wouldn't see him again. 100% not. I wouldn't be any different with a female friend.

If you’ve known her a while, been out to eat with her a reasonable amount and she normally treats people respectfully (even if her style is more abrupt than most people’s) then I’d give her a pass as a one off.

If this is just the worst in a line of disrespectful treatment I’d reconsider the friendship.

Yes, you learn a lot about a person based on how they treat someone serving them..

Hard swerve.

That would be it for me. I had an idiot friend like this, and where ever we went she behaved like this - rude and entitled, and I was that person always apologising for her behaviour where ever we went. Awful woman

I find this sort of Jekyll and Hyde behaviour so baffling. When someone is rude to someone else right in front of you, then turns to you and is perfectly pleasant. The ethics is one thing, but do they not see they are socially sabotaging themselves?

I've thought of a few possibilities:

• They truly believe everyone else shares their belief that some categories of people (eg waitstaff) are inferior to others and deserve poor treatment

• They have the emotional intelligence/awareness of a child and don't realise others are clocking their behaviour as well? This seems very unlikely to me

• They were brought up in a very biased and emotionally dysfunctional world, where people are just treated arbitrarily and randomly on different days... For example my older generation relatives would treat each other / the same person really differently (eg stonewall, or be chummy) on different days depending on what mood they were in and what the latest relationship developments were like...

but put that down to her being very passionate about her beliefs and a sort of no nonsense kind of person
**
ive rarely met anyone with the traits you describe here OP who isn't a self important twat. It's easy to hide rudeness and passive/active aggression behind being an 'i tell it how it is' person. This is a codephrase for bellend.

Your friend has shown you who she is, it's entirely your call if it's something you're comfortable with or not but her attitude to the server is the real her.

I'd definitely reconsider, ugh would not want to be friends with a person like this!

Hi Op

Even if your friend has got a lot of stress issues going on in her life you.
You are not aware,there is no excuse whatever for taking it out verbally lashing the waitress like that,
You knew yourself it's totally unacceptable behaviour on her part,

I agree with other Posters who said her brusque no nonsense behaviour is who she really is,
You have just seen her in a different light, instead of excusing her attitude, manner,

Have you noticed with these types of people how Ultra /hyper Sensitive they are when it comes to themselves?
when it comes to themselves, the imaginary perceived slightest thing,
misunderstanding, almost any random thing,

How brusque tell it is types like her seem to have possess random selective Amnesia tendencies?
in there interactions with other people in general, when it requires just basic human decency ,
Interesting isn't it

Hi Op
Your friend could have easily expressed her dissatisfaction with cafe service in a way that didn't humiliate belittle the waitress serving her.

I call bullshit out on your friend soon to be ex one and other individuals who are like minded like this one

I've voted YABU because as your other friend said she could have something going on but wouldn't know as you messaged the other friend to bitch about her, instead of messaging her to see if everything is ok.

You can tell a lot about people by how they treat serving staff

🚩

I had a strong feeling my now-husband was 'the one' when I saw how he treated the serving staff on our first date. It's an important test of character. Your 'friend' sounds horrible.

Red flag.

You can tell a lot about people by how they deal with staff in places likes cafes, restaurants and shops.

This person was rude, demanding and immature.

I would not want a friend like that.

I remember going on a second date with a man who had so far been very pleasant only for him to have a meltdown because the taxi driver was late as he could not find the spot where we were waiting. He literally had a tantrum rather than trying to calmly explain where we were and direct the poor guy and was rude and inconsiderate. Complete turn off and that was the end of the evening for me and the last date with this man.

Another not a chance would I meet up with her again here.

I would be so polite though in turning her down for any future gatherings. Something like this but with the shaking of the head, heavy sighs and a tone of voice where you are apologetic but driving the point home
"Oh, X, I really don't think I could cope with repeat of what happened earlier today. It was so embarrassing for you I wanted the ground to open up and swallow us whole. I mean, you were terribly rude to the server earlier and I didn't know where to look when you were speaking to them. My goodness. Do you kiss your husband/partner with that mouth??? I know you want good service but being polite and kind doesn't cost anything. "