To look again at this friendship

[Startingtofeelratherstretched]

I met up with a couple of friends today for lunch in a small independent cafe. Brief history, met a few years ago as work, got on well together and have children a similar age. I have found her to be abrupt in some situations but put that down to her being very passionate about her beliefs and a sort of no nonsense kind of person. I invited her into my "outside of work" social group.

The cafe was very busy, its a small place and every table was full. My friend chose what she wanted and ordered her food first. I was distracted by my baby and maybe 5 minutes later ordered mine. When my food arrived she made a very big fuss about having ordered first. Then when her food came she complained further that it was wrong (for example think brown bread instead of white). She acted like a stroppy teenager picking up her food and dropping it back on the table, saying she had waited too long and was feeling ill having not eaten yet.

The way she spoke to the woman serving was horrendous. I was shocked. I felt so embarrassed and am kicking myself that I did nothing. I think I was just so gobsmacked by the whole thing that I just sat there like a houseplant. I did try and catch the woman as we left but didn't manage so instead left a tip on the table.

I'm really reconsidering my friendship after this. I saw a side to her that was very unpleasant and not something I'd like to be around again. AIBU ? I messaged the other friend who was with us, mentioning Xs problem with her meal and she straight away said she was also very surprised by what had gone on but that perhaps there is something going on at home or work we are not aware of. I don't really think that's an excuse to talk to another human like they are something you have stood in! I'm asking because she had now messaged me tonight asking about tea at the weekend and frankly I'm hesitant to accept.

I am leaning towards just slowly backing away from the friendship, feels a bit sad as although we aren't best friends there were some good times there.

Yes, this was one of the first times we have gone out for a meal together, we made friends during the pandemic so have been mainly meeting in parks etc and then I had a baby so we haven't met up again until recently. The pp who mentioned her being a bit self righteous hit the nail on the head, she is very strongly opinionated on some topics and I always avoid certain conversations with her. I thought this was just us having a difference of opinions but maybe I've been subconsciously aware she can be a bit like this.

The waitress thing I can't get past, I'd be so nervous to go out again and have her speak to someone like that. I wish I'd been brave enough to say something at the time.

And I accept maybe it was bitchy to message our other friend but I did it because I was so taken aback by the whole situation. It was one of those did that just happen kind of moments !

It’s a power thing and how someone chooses to behave towards someone serving no/ working for them, tells you a lot about them . Just reading about how the ex MP Djanogly and his wife treated someone they employed as a housekeeper on 20k a year. His family estimated to be worth 300 million.

What an awful person. There’s just no need at all, perhaps you dropping them will be a lesson they’ll remember

It's a pity that you don't feel that you could tell her that her behaviour was disgusting and that consequently you won't be meeting up with her again.

If she is told her behaviour is not acceptable and loses a friend as a result she may change her ways and save others from suffering.

She would be no friend of mine. How people treat waiting staff is very telling of their character.

Another way of dealing with this would be to meet her for lunch as suggested, but say something at lunch like, mind you, I’m leaving if your order is wrong again, seriously you were over the top last time. I felt so sorry for the waitress. Then see what she says. Most people would realise this is feedback about their behaviour. I wouldn’t end a friendship over one incident, but I might over repeated behaviour.

I'd want to say something before I dropped her. How old is she? I was horrendous at times during the peri menopause, it was other people pulling me up that made me go to my GP. Also my sister is having neurological issues and she's becoming very rude at times. It could just be that this is who she is, though. So If I was going to cut the friendship, I'd want to tell her how out of order she was and her attitude has lost her a friend.

I have never met a person who is rude to staff/employees etc. And a nice person normally

I'd decline this weekend, and ask how's she's doing generally as she seemed off on XDay. If she says what do you mean etc, then say "because you were exceptionally rude/short/whatever with the waitress, it didn't seem like you but I didn't want to broach it then and upset you further".

Her answer would make me make a long term decision.

My initial response was to agree that she has shown her true colours and doesn’t sound very nice. I worked in a shop when I was a student and it’s amazing how rude and disrespectful people can be. But on the other hand maybe she was just having a really bad day? It’s obviously not a very good excuse but everyone has moments when they are not at their best. I’m embarrassed to say I once had a total stop at my vet. I was extremely stressed about my cat, about being late for work again and about the fact they had messed me about a bit with appointments. I was mortified afterwards and did go back and apologise. Maybe give her another chance before deciding if she made a mistake or is actually an arsehole?

If I had known her for three years and she hadn't been an arsehole during that time (because clearly I wouldn't have maintained a friendship if she had) then I would have said something at the time. Eg "What's up X? Are you ok? You were very rude to that woman and you seem to be in a mood of some kind, which isn't like you are all."

She sounds hangry, it’s a simple this is this normal behaviour? Or unusual? Yeah it’s not nice but if this isn’t something she’s normally like there’s probably bigger and deeper issues.

Had she been normal and polite before that?

Some people get foul when their blood sugar drops. Her mentioning feeling ill makes me wonder if it was something like that.