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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to sleep with my friend

55 replies

topherman · 06/02/2023 22:39

I share a 9 year old with my ex, we split when our daughter was only a few months old, however, were on and off for two years after the split.

During our on and off period, it came to light that a very good friend hit on my ex when she was very, very drunk. He rebuffed her advances but me and my friend didn't speak for two years.

After a while we began contact again and since I was over my ex by this time and so much alcohol was involved, I decided to forget about it and move on. We have had a great friendship since then, she really is a good friend, I trust her but not when she's had a drink, I would be weary of leaving her with my partner again drunk.

Anyway, me and my ex have a pretty good relationship now and tonight he was over having dinner with me and our daughter. Once daughter went to bed, he hung around and we were chatting. The conversation went like this -

Him - do you remember when Sarah (name change) came onto me?

Me - yeah?

Him - god I missed out on so many sexual opportunities because of you.

Me - okay, what are you saying? Do you wish you'd taken Sarah up on the offer?

Him - yeah of course, she's fit!

I was actually surprised of my reaction, I told him I found that such a disrespectful thing to say, had no idea why he would think I would want to know this information and I asked him to leave.

As he was leaving he was saying that he can't understand why I'm upset, she is attractive etc. and then started joking saying he could calm her down and don't I think he would make a good boyfriend for her?

I am disgusted to be honest and feeling angry at my friend all over again, which I know is irrational but I just feel like all the old emotions from when i first found out came back. He's basically said he regrets not cheating on me.

AIBU to be upset?

OP posts:
CassieMc · 06/02/2023 22:48

You're not being unreasonable IMO. He sounds like a douche. Why discuss that with you at this stage? And to say he missed out on sexual opportunties because of you is just wrong. I'd be really pissed off as well. Just ignore him for now and don't be drawn into drama. What a bell end.
What your friend did was wrong but she was very drunk. Not an excuse but we all act out of character after a few drinks. I'd personally let that go and would be more annoyed with him. That's just me though.

Springis · 06/02/2023 22:50

Yuk. Thank goodness he’s your ex!!

He was upsetting you on purpose / trying to make you jealous, that’s a really weird conversation to have.

YANBU.

Merryoldgoat · 06/02/2023 22:50

He’s a prick.

And your friend is no friend if you can’t trust her drunk.

Gulpy · 06/02/2023 22:50

He missed out on sexual opportunities because he was in a relationship with the mother of his child?

That's his thinking??

SavoirFlair · 06/02/2023 22:52

Anyway, me and my ex have a pretty good relationship now

Define “pretty good” please ..

Do you guys still hook up? Does he still want you in some way, or do you want him?

It feels like he thinks there are buttons he can push , and the phrasing of his language makes me feel like it’s as much about seeing your reaction, as actually fulfilling this absurd fantasy of his.

YANBU, but I would try and find ways of being less open to his chat somehow - it feels like he’s fishing for reaction.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2023 22:52

He's a real tit, isn't he?

GhostsJulianforPrimeMinister · 06/02/2023 22:57

Well his morals are pretty low, I'm glad for you he's an ex! Sigh a sigh of relief!

Bluebellysmell · 06/02/2023 23:15

Any chance he's started talking to your friend recently and this is him testing the water as to how you'd react?

Thelnebriati · 06/02/2023 23:17

Or have things been going well for you lately and he wants to take you down a peg or two?

JudgeRudy · 06/02/2023 23:26

I think your exs communication skills are the real issue here ie he's a bit insensitive. I'm taking what he said as at the time of 'the incident' he was physically attracted to her/the offer but thought better of it because he was trying to make a go of things and was committed yo the relationship he had with you. A few months (?) later you both split up anyway so it was a waste of time (as was all the effort you both made as you weren't right for each other.
Now you might be offended hurt or enraged by this but he's admitting he was tempted and did I'd for you/your family.
Not sure why you're mad at her again though. Maybe you hadn't forgiven her after all.
He doesn't want her (tho he might be up for a shag) and she probably wouldn't be bothered about him either and you don't want him so just be glad you don't have to endure this anymore.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 06/02/2023 23:28

'missed out on sexual opportunities'?😖Just that puts me off. Yuck. He's a prince, isn't he?

YouWithoutEnd · 06/02/2023 23:42

Hang on a sec, are you sure it’s just a light hearted remark and that he and Sarah aren’t actually in touch again?

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 00:05

He has said it to annoy you. You don’t have a good relationship with him, he is a Pratt who is trying to undermine you by saying he could have been shagging the world. Was he trying to guilt you in to sex with him? Don’t sit around having cosy chats with a man who disrespects you. Communicate openly with him about your child. If he makes any other comments like this again laugh and say well you can do whatever you like now can’t you and change the subject. He is an arse.

Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 00:08

Also, a friend is not a friend if you don’t trust them. How did you come to know that your friend hit on him? Did he tell you? Very manipulative. You weren’t together and he turned her down so he had absolutely no need to tell you. On - off relationships are bad news in general. Seems like this man doesn’t like you moving on with your life. No more dinners, no more hanging out.

StellaGibson2022 · 07/02/2023 00:42

He’s testing the water… pound to a penny he is already in touch with Sarah.

StClare101 · 07/02/2023 00:54

But is it actually any of your business? He’s been your ex for nine years!

He sounds like a knob but whatever he’s not your problem is he?

UdoU · 07/02/2023 05:37

Why take it out on her?

Jimboscott0115 · 07/02/2023 06:02

Two things. Sarah can't be trusted and if what she did was a red line for you then I'm not sure why you forgave her. She showed her true colours when she came onto your ex and drink isn't an excuse.

Second, your ex was sounding you out about Sarah, either as a precursor for getting back in touch, or more likely - given it's out of the blue, because they're already talking. Yes, he shouldn't have said anything but I think he was trying to make it jokey in the hope you'd tell him it's a free country and he can do what he wants.

DoomedForLoneliness · 07/02/2023 06:08

He’s revolting!
What did you ever see in him?

Be angry, but be angry at him.

Talking about woman’s looks and also ’calm her down’!?
Misogynystic prick, eugh!

AmIThatMam · 07/02/2023 06:17

I found out that a friend had slept with my ex (who was an ex at the time) and I had fallen out with my friend not long after the break up, so we weren’t speaking. Even so, it still hurt when I found out. If all the men available, why him? Where they attracted to each other while we were friends/ in a relationship etc.
you aren’t being unreasonable to be hurt. Don’t let him
stay for dinner again just keep it civil.

EthicalNonMahogany · 07/02/2023 06:24

I think it's quite nice when you've split up and can be more honest about how you felt and feel. Maybe he'd be a great partner for Sarah.

JobSeekingMissile · 07/02/2023 06:31

I think he's sleeping with her and was testing the water to tell you outright that they are together

ThinWomansBrain · 07/02/2023 06:35

the opportunity of shagging someone completely innebriated.
he sets his sights high.

DoomedForLoneliness · 07/02/2023 06:47

Maybe he'd be a great partner for Sarah.

The way he talks, he’d only be a ’good’ partner to a sewer rat.

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 07/02/2023 06:58

Tbh I would think he is probably shagging her already op and he's bought it up in the hopes you'd green light it.

My exh started to say things like ' I really like your friend and I hope you won't mind if I'm still friends with her when we get divorced' (whilst we were in the splitting up 'amicably' phase). It turned out he and friend had been having an affair for at least 18 months before that.